Sunday, July 29, 2007

Just add Paris

The front page of the NYtimes Magazine features a picture of a sympathetic robot. The caption says "next-gen robots are being designed to keep you company." Here was my ensuing line of thinking...

Who can afford their own robot friend? The same people who will take the first moon tours. Paris Hilton. Thats when I realized that Paris Hilton and her pet robot would be the absolute one and only way for her to redeem herself in my eyes.

What if she walked around with a robot all the time? And not just to carry her stuff and small dog, but if she turned around and whispered secrets to the robot during fashion shows, etc..

Let me get this straight. I don't want this to be a TV show. I want it to be REAL LIFE.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Subtle takers of the cake

Some days every table you serve is crazy. And some days you wait on a woman who takes the old cake. But its always the subtle ones. Not the yelling ones. But the ones who really seem like they don't know how restaurants work. Food comes out. You pay for food.

This one lady finished her damn flan (after telling me all about how nobody has just "good custard" any more) and, while clearing her plate I asked "are you folks ready for your bill?" Her reply was a solemn and slow shake of the head, her eyes locked on my face. I just said "what?" like I didn't understand. She said "We don't need it."

I said "Oh ok, just wondering," and walked away. In about 2 minutes I noticed that her sad husband (who must be a big churchgoer and must ask the lord everyday why he's still married) had his wallet out. I decided to ignore it until she called me over to ask me specifically for the check.

The next thing happened when I was near their table taking an order from a different table. She said "Do you have the bill?" with a tone that said "why didn't you bring the bill?" I said "Do I have it on me? No, but I can go print it for you!" with a great degree of pep.
Pop Lock And Drop It is totally the new Drop It Like Its Hot.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

city ducks

Today I saw ducklings crossing Chicago Avenue. All the cars stopped for them and it was so cute. Where were those duckies going? The hardware store? I'm worried about their little webbed feet on the hot pavement! I guess thats just what its like to be a city duck. I wanted to pull over and usher them wherever they were going, guarding them all the way, but I had to tell myself that those ducks are just part of the natural course of the universe. And those ducks are probably tougher than me anyways! They were born and raised in the CITY.

In other animal news, there is a genius cartoon in the New Yorker which features two kids walking along, and one says to the other "there's just so much pressure to like monkeys." Its true! That kid just doesn't like monkeys! Everybody else thinks they're so silly and fun, but he just doesn't like them, ok!?

That cartoon is paid for by the people who just don't like monkeys that much, for cryin' out loud!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

The New Cool 108

My car's cassette (yeah cassette) player don't work, so its radio for me. One of my favorite things about Minneapolis right now is the battle between Love 105 and the New Cool 108. When Love 105 came out and started playing mostly love related songs, they cut into the Cool 108 oldies market. This caused Cool 108 to play mostly oldies that were not related to love for awhile (i think there's only two and one starts with "jeremiah was a bullfrog.") Finally Cool 108 realized what we've all known for a long time, which is that the eighties and nineties now constitute the oldies, so they can play journey, madonna,disco greats. Even patsy cline! you name it. And then they added the "new" and have only been playing good stuff. which makes Love 105 look like saps.

So I basically switch back and forth between the two of them, giving them points that disappear immediately b/c the points don't mean anything.

Except occasionally I turn to the Current, but I don't like how much they talk about music on there. Like "oh aren't we all cool people who hang out and know so much about music, and don't we all want to go to this or that concert. We just can't wait until so-and-so comes to town." You see, I like music just as much as the next person, but I hate when people act like music is their life. Its not food. Its not entertainment or friendship. Sometimes, its memories, but mostly its atmosphere or for dancing/expression. Sometimes it communicates with the soul, I know I know. I get it. But I hate hearing people talk about it. Like when musicians tell the audience in a live setting about the song they're about to sing. They just ALWAYS sound like assholes. And I'm sorry, this is very different than telling the dixie chicks to shut up and sing. I think its great if musicians have political beliefs. I just don't want to hear about how "we wrote this one on the road on the way to Decatur. We had just stopped at a gas station where, like, the closest town was Wannamaker or some shit. So the guy at the station must have had TWO teeth. but he just had this beautiful soul, ya know? This songs for that guy."