hilarityinsooz

2009-02-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

This was my valentine's present! It looks like we have a Milliner on our hands.

new stuff

2009-02-16T14:37:00.000-08:00

I am posting because Kat started this blog and listed me in her blogroll. Also, since she listed the Fug Girls, I figured I'd better start being clever so if they ever get to my blog, we'll become friends and hang out laughing at each other all the time.
Something funny that happened today at work? Sure. This old guy told me he likes to sit with his back against the wall so no-one shoots him. The funny thing is that is the same reason I like to sit that way too. Really. Or so I can see it coming and dodge it real quick.
What else? If I was rich, what would I do? Buy this t-shirt for all my New York buddies.

Monday's Child

2008-06-19T08:37:00.000-07:00

Found out about this poem last night:

Monday's child is fair of face.
Tuesday's child is full of grace.
Wednesday's child is loving and giving.
Thursday's child works hard for a living,
Friday's child is full of woe.
Saturday's child has far to go.
But the child that is born on Sabbath-day
Is bonny and happy and wise and gay.

So you're way better off being born earlier in the week. Generally before Thursday. I can't help but imagine that the weekend was a busy time for midwives and they wanted to discourage mothers from going into labor when they'd rather be kicking back for happy hour and barbeques.

There are two versions of this poem, and either way I am born on Thursday, which means either that I have far to go, or I work hard for a living. Awesome. It reminds me of the tragic movie "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants," which may or may not have made me cry three times. After America Ferrera confronts her father for abandoning her, the camera pans to the children's leukemia ward and I just wept "Oh NO!"
My point is, that meanwhile, Rory is falling in love with a hottie in Greece! Her summer is so much better than the others, I just don't get it. When she leaves, the entire town comes out to say goodbye, and they send her down the mountainside on a donkey procession, with the glimmering blue sea behind her. Clearly a Sabbath-day's child.

Check back later when I rewrite this poem. I think I'll include something like "She works hard for the money," so I can at least be pictured with a sweatshirt off my shoulders.

This is an office

2008-06-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

And I say that with pride and tons of awe, as I report that...

Today our new intern arrived. With her DOG. She is not blind. Nor is this dog the kind you put in your purse and feed sweetmeats to. Its the kind that sniffs your butt for drugs at the airport.

The Intraweb

2008-06-04T07:37:00.000-07:00

When I forward something to my boss, she doesn't reply to the person who sent the original. She replies to me as if I were them.

My dad recently signed up to get back in touch with all his old high school classmates.

Last night we had a certain television star at a certain Cuban breakfast joint where I work. He asked the owner if she speaks Cuban. That doesn't have to do with the intraweb. Or does it?

And that is our lesson for today, folks. The internet is for everyone.

Busy Month at the Casa

2008-01-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

Well the holidays are over, here are the things I learned:

1. My aunt falls asleep anytime she's in a seat in a dark theater. She even fell asleep in Stomp!
2. Windshield wipers are very fragile. And necessary. In blizzards.
3. If you see a newyear's party through the window outside and it looks like five people standing swaying gently in the middle of an empty room, cut and RUN. (even if the doorbell has already been rung.)
4. It is now called "Carson's countdown." Oh and I don't know any popular "bands."
5. Being 27 is like being 26, except WAY OLDER.
6. Babies like mirrors.
7. If you get too much chocolate, put it all in a wooden trunk so you forget about it for awhile. Then pull it out after dinner when you have guests over.
8. How to make napkin ears
9. The Holidaze are actually like three weeks long.
10. Spill the wine waitresses have heard the joke.
11. Michigan has some very racist names for cookies.
12. Detroit is the rape capital of the world.
13. Michigan is known for its scrapbooking conventions.
14. The suburbs of Chicago are worse than the suburbs of other places for the following reasons: The people, the restaurants, and the highway webs of torture. Oh and the tolls.
15. If you are playing a masked character and your mask falls off, it is acceptable to use the tongue to push it back on.
16. There is at least one person out there who will lie to get a discount, and would like a refund of $6 on December 26, smack dab in the middle of the season of giving.
17. Doggie poops stay here. The frozen drifts keep them cold. Snow will melt away. A haiku!

Cute Canine with a Costume

2007-11-30T07:51:00.000-08:00

JuneBug...

Plus new red union suit...

Equals:

A three-way Cuteness contest between that laughing baby with the paper, Baby Pandas, and Miss JB. She looks like this but ADURABLE.

Yeah I'm posting on the internets again. Perhaps its because I'm back in an office. Also some people who know me may think its funny that this year I will be playing the role of "Maria" in "La Natividad." Ironic jokes about virginity, religiosity and whiteness could easily follow, but I LOVE IT. My favorite part is when I sit and cute children dressed as animals, stars, and angels bow down to worship me. (I guess they're worshipping the baby, but WHO CARES?) I'm starting to feel sort of Christian or something.

(fyi for those people who have either stumbled upon this blog or flocked here by the thousands when I started writing again, the "voice" I adopted in the above paragraph is more of a ditsy character than my true self.)

My true self spent last night playing with beads. My mom cleaned house and found my FIVE boxes of seed beads from junior high. I used to trade them with other beaders. Sort of like gamers but...aesthetically pleasing...sometimes. Beads can also end up being sort of crafty looking, so I got teased a bit when I was discovered last night with my spread.

In other worlds, I discovered Sudoku about 8 years late. To my joy one of my coworkers doesn't sudoku yet (its a verb for me) so I got to explain the rules to her. I'm convinced that explaining it is one of the most fun parts because you sound smart and impressive and timely. Except for me, not timely.

Finally, you may not think you know Holiday Mathis but you DO. She writes the horoscopes for most newspapers. We're pretty sure thats not her given name or eye color.

On the internets

2007-11-27T14:32:00.000-08:00

Apparently a popular genre on youtube is laughing babies. Here are a few of my favorites...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=x3Rw_3ky-uo&feature=related

From viewing these I have surmised there are some things that are especially cute about babies laughing...

1. Its all about the suspense.
2. They almost always fall over if not propped up.
3. The more babies the better. This causes a chain reaction.

In other news...

I saw this truck that has a picture of itself airbrushed on it. The truck is obsessed with itself. It also imagines itself out in the canyons and valleys, and not covered in sooty snow. What if I had my own face airbrushed on the ass of my jeans?

2007-10-11T16:10:00.000-07:00

The Cringe Festival

2007-08-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

Well, fringe festival of Minnesota. Its over. I know you still have like 5 days left, but for me, those are the last 5 days and then its over. Seriously, I want you out.

Yeah. We got a bad audience member review on the fringe website. A really bad one. Like the name of our show is "HowDo" and the title of the review is "HowDon't." I know, its funny. I wish the rest of the review was as witty though. It just says how bad the show is: Bad dancing...boring. At one point she describes my rampage as "sleepy." Seriously. So yeah, it hurts a little. But mostly I want to cap back on the fringe festival as a whole for a few various affronts to my own personal tastes.

(If you want to know, yes, I lost a little sleep over our "half star out of a possible five stars." But just to let you know, I drive my grandpa's 1987 Honda Accord, so its not like I've got a gigantic ego that needs constant stroking.)

First offending piece of evidence:
Sequin Cloche Hat in Black

Seen on the head of a pushy, middle-aged woman at a show this weekend. I mean the show was sold out and she somehow convinced the house staff (with shouting) to kick someone out of a seat for her. Cringe inDEED.

And now I would like to present a list of fictional titles of shows. These are not real shows, but I think they are adequate renditions of most of the cringe offerings.

A Very Merry Christmas Show
Two Guys Rasslin' Around On Stage and Makin' A Ruckus...Loudly
The Postman is Dead!
My Imaginary Elephant
I Like You/I Love You
And All I Got Was this T-shirt!
Men 'o' Pause
Stories from Guam
My Adventures in Filefaxing
J.T. Rambach Tells All

In short, if you're going to post a review, let it be thoughtful, specific and constructive. Everyone needs something constructive, because nothing is perfect. If you care to engage the world in your general hatred, do it face to face.

UP5

2007-08-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

Unicorn Planet has proven itself GENIUS again with Episode 5.

Just add Paris

2007-07-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

The front page of the NYtimes Magazine features a picture of a sympathetic robot. The caption says "next-gen robots are being designed to keep you company." Here was my ensuing line of thinking...

Who can afford their own robot friend? The same people who will take the first moon tours. Paris Hilton. Thats when I realized that Paris Hilton and her pet robot would be the absolute one and only way for her to redeem herself in my eyes.

What if she walked around with a robot all the time? And not just to carry her stuff and small dog, but if she turned around and whispered secrets to the robot during fashion shows, etc..

Let me get this straight. I don't want this to be a TV show. I want it to be REAL LIFE.

Subtle takers of the cake

2007-07-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

Some days every table you serve is crazy. And some days you wait on a woman who takes the old cake. But its always the subtle ones. Not the yelling ones. But the ones who really seem like they don't know how restaurants work. Food comes out. You pay for food.

This one lady finished her damn flan (after telling me all about how nobody has just "good custard" any more) and, while clearing her plate I asked "are you folks ready for your bill?" Her reply was a solemn and slow shake of the head, her eyes locked on my face. I just said "what?" like I didn't understand. She said "We don't need it."

I said "Oh ok, just wondering," and walked away. In about 2 minutes I noticed that her sad husband (who must be a big churchgoer and must ask the lord everyday why he's still married) had his wallet out. I decided to ignore it until she called me over to ask me specifically for the check.

The next thing happened when I was near their table taking an order from a different table. She said "Do you have the bill?" with a tone that said "why didn't you bring the bill?" I said "Do I have it on me? No, but I can go print it for you!" with a great degree of pep.

2007-07-23T16:47:00.000-07:00

Pop Lock And Drop It is totally the new Drop It Like Its Hot.

city ducks

2007-07-11T14:22:00.000-07:00

Today I saw ducklings crossing Chicago Avenue. All the cars stopped for them and it was so cute. Where were those duckies going? The hardware store? I'm worried about their little webbed feet on the hot pavement! I guess thats just what its like to be a city duck. I wanted to pull over and usher them wherever they were going, guarding them all the way, but I had to tell myself that those ducks are just part of the natural course of the universe. And those ducks are probably tougher than me anyways! They were born and raised in the CITY.

In other animal news, there is a genius cartoon in the New Yorker which features two kids walking along, and one says to the other "there's just so much pressure to like monkeys." Its true! That kid just doesn't like monkeys! Everybody else thinks they're so silly and fun, but he just doesn't like them, ok!?

That cartoon is paid for by the people who just don't like monkeys that much, for cryin' out loud!

The New Cool 108

2007-07-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

My car's cassette (yeah cassette) player don't work, so its radio for me. One of my favorite things about Minneapolis right now is the battle between Love 105 and the New Cool 108. When Love 105 came out and started playing mostly love related songs, they cut into the Cool 108 oldies market. This caused Cool 108 to play mostly oldies that were not related to love for awhile (i think there's only two and one starts with "jeremiah was a bullfrog.") Finally Cool 108 realized what we've all known for a long time, which is that the eighties and nineties now constitute the oldies, so they can play journey, madonna,disco greats. Even patsy cline! you name it. And then they added the "new" and have only been playing good stuff. which makes Love 105 look like saps.

So I basically switch back and forth between the two of them, giving them points that disappear immediately b/c the points don't mean anything.

Except occasionally I turn to the Current, but I don't like how much they talk about music on there. Like "oh aren't we all cool people who hang out and know so much about music, and don't we all want to go to this or that concert. We just can't wait until so-and-so comes to town." You see, I like music just as much as the next person, but I hate when people act like music is their life. Its not food. Its not entertainment or friendship. Sometimes, its memories, but mostly its atmosphere or for dancing/expression. Sometimes it communicates with the soul, I know I know. I get it. But I hate hearing people talk about it. Like when musicians tell the audience in a live setting about the song they're about to sing. They just ALWAYS sound like assholes. And I'm sorry, this is very different than telling the dixie chicks to shut up and sing. I think its great if musicians have political beliefs. I just don't want to hear about how "we wrote this one on the road on the way to Decatur. We had just stopped at a gas station where, like, the closest town was Wannamaker or some shit. So the guy at the station must have had TWO teeth. but he just had this beautiful soul, ya know? This songs for that guy."

Classy Red Corset Dresses and the Year of The Wedding

2007-06-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

My good friend received the following (long) email from her Aunt, which kept me laughing in about 6 directions. It is women like these who I have been essentially surrounded with in this, the Year of The Wedding (YOTW). (to clarify: not my wedding, just everybody else's)

Its worth reading all the way to the end where we wrote a few possible questions for her aunt. (she did leave the door open for questions!)

Dear Relatives,

We have thought about you so much all weekend as we attended the wedding of Marc and Becky Johnson's daughter, Holly, and Andrew, at First Lutheran Church in Algona, Iowa. I know that many of you were not invited, but thought you might be interested in hearing about your relative's wedding. Weddings are always so much fun!

I know you might get lots of "takes" on the wedding, and everyone you hear from will have a different perspective and things that stood out in their mind. So, here goes "my" version of the wedding.

We got to Algona, Iowa, on Friday afternoon late, delivered the wedding gifts from us, Cindy and Blake, and Kirk and family, to Marc and Becky's home, and then checked into the motel, ate supper, and then visited a short while with Grace, Norbert, Linda and Gary.

Saturday morning we had breakfast with Grace, Norbert, Linda, Gary. Linda and Grace went to West Bend to see "The Grotto." Paul and I stayed and talked a long time with Gary and looked at pictures he had taken on his recent trip to China. We had a delightful time. Lois arrived, and Cindy and Blake and Ruth and Red arrived just in time to go to the wedding.

The wedding was absolutely gorgeous. Holly was beautiful. She is such a pretty woman. Her dress was white, strapless, and the back had a small train. The dress was satin. The front was perfectly plain, but the back was kind of "laced up" like a corset would be laced, and it was out of this world! The gals had all had their hair done, naturally, and they looked absolutely gorgeous as well.

The five women attendants (two were Holly's sisters, Amy and Jill) and were all dressed in bright, cherry red, satin dresses, strapless like Holly's, only they were short, right below the knee. Their shoes were high-heeled flip flops. The flowers were red and white. The color scheme was indeed striking.

The guys were all in black tuxedos with red vests and bow ties.

Holly and Andy had a "Sand Ceremony" instead of a unity candle. Holly and Andy each poured a different colored sand into a vase. It was very unique, different, and memorable. We loved it! The pastor did a superb job on the sermon and the whole service, with input for Scriptures and music by Holly and Andy. The music was outstanding. The soloist was the church's choir director. The organist was one of the best I've ever heard. She was the wife of the pastor.

Becky Johnson (MOTHER OF THE BRIDE) had on a beautiful beige lacy pant suit. Grace had a gorgeous pink suit which looked so nice with the red of the attendants.

Unfortunately, I can't find our wedding bulletin, so can't tell you the Scriptures or the songs that were sung. Hopefully someone else can fill you in on that. But, they were marvelous!

The bridge and groom had a receiving line of just them as people left the church. We were all given little bottles of bubbles to blow at the bride and groom when they left the church. After the ceremony, the bridal party rode around town in a wagon pulled by two Belgium horses. They all had a great time. Of course, we all blew bubbles galore! It was fun! There were over 200 people at the wedding ceremony.

The whole reception area at the KC Hall a few blocks away, was decorated with candles, red flowers, netting, etc. It was absolutely elegant. There was punch, and an open bar before the dinner. Before we ate, they had all kinds of crackers, cheese, etc. They had candy cups for everyone at the tables. The tables were all round, covered with white tablecloths, and the bright red napkins were folded like fans and placed in the water goblets. Very, very elegant. At our table was Cindy, Blake, Paul, myself, Lois, Ruth and Red. We had a very good visit. Cindy and Blake left early to go back to the motel as Blake wanted to swim. Ruth and Red left early as well.

The reception was so much fun. The DJ, at the request of the bride and groom, did all kinds of fun things with the couple and with all the kids in attendance. It was truly a family affair. The bride and groom threw out candy for the kids, and of course there was the traditional throwing of the garter and the bouquet.

The DJ had Holly and Andy take off their shoes and then each of them had two shoes in their hands...one of Holly and one of Andy's shoes in each of their hands. They stood back to back and answered questions by holding up the shoe that they thought was the correct answer. It was a hoot. There were questions like, "Who is the best cook?" Some answers were the same, and some were not. It was lots of fun. There were probably 25 questions....Who has the most clothes? Who is the best kisser? Etc. Etc.

To get the garter off of Holly....this will maybe sound "not so good" but it was really cute. The people at the reception had to "vote" as to whether or not Andy took the garter off of Holly with his hands, his feet, or his teeth. Of course, it was all pumped up. The people voted he had to get the garter off with his teeth. Andy had to do a "sexy" dance to some music and then he slid on his stomach to Holly, who was sitting on the back of the best man who was on all fours. Andy got it off with his teeth, and the garter was right below her knee. All of the young people had so much fun.

Of course, there were the traditional dances of bride/groom; bride/father, etc. They did the "Hokey Pokey", the "Chicken Dance" and lots of other ones to get the people involved.

They had all "older couples" dance, and then had them sit down as the DJ called off "everyone sit down who has been married less than 10 years, 20, 25, etc., until there were only two couples on the floor, and the oldest married couple (except for Grace and Norbert) was someone married 52 years, and they had to give advice to the bride and groom for living a long and wonderful married life. The guy said, "Always say 'Yes' to what your wife wants."

There was a slide show of Holly growing up, Andy growing up, and then their life together the last few years. Also, for the bride/father dance, there was a slide show of lots of slides of just Holly and Marc.

Of course, one of the hits during the dancing was when the DJ played, "Sweet Caroline." Of course, little Caroline, (daughter of Amy (Holly's sister) and Hunter's daughter was the flower girl. She was really wound up and had so much fun. By the way, she did an excellent job as the flower girl. She threw the petals just perfect. As we were ushered out of the church, our Blake picked all the petals up that she had dropped. He thought they should be picked up so the floor wasn't a mess.

We saw and visited with lots of the Johnson clan. Paul especially enjoyed seeing and visiting with Merrill and Muriel and Dean. They left early so we didn't get to visit a real long time with them.

We got back to the motel about 10 PM, went to bed, and were up bright and early "breakfasting" with the relatives. We went to church at the church where the wedding was held. Went back to the motel, watched Blake swim, and visited with more people around the pool area. Then the family served an early lunch in the motel's hospitality room and we visited until 1:30 PM before finally heading for home. Andy and Holly came and went around and visited with everyone making them feel so welcome. The immediate family was going to Marc and Becky's home around 2:00 P.M. to unwrap wedding gifts. Andy and Holly leave for their honeymoon on Tuesday and will be gone for a week.

I'm sure I left out lots of "stuff" that you might want to know....but ask away! I'll respond the best I can! It will be interesting, I'm sure, for you to get the perspective of the others who were there.

That's it for tonight. Hope you have had a great weekend.

Sandra

Hi Sandy! How fun! The wedding sounds so romantic and classy. You said we could write with any questions about the details. I would love to know if you could clarify whether the bridesmaids' dresses also had corsetlike backs, and whether they wore fishnet tights as well? I'm just trying to get the whole picture.

Or....

I do have a question about the inappropriate garter/teeth incident. Do you think it was really appropriate with all the children there? Although I know weddings are a time of playfulness for all, they're also about Jesus and colored sands, so....

restaurants vs. offices part 1

2007-06-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a lady called during the lunch hour at the restaurant. She said "Do you guys have lazy susans on your tables?" My coworker said "no, our tables aren't really big enough for lazy susans" (not to mention its latin fusion cuisine and not mediterranean potluck.) Then this caller said "Do you know where to get those?" So basically this lady was sitting at home and said to herself:

"I want to have a lazy susan at my party. Let's see...where do they serve food? Restaurants."

This leads me to believe she has no internet. And has never heard of google, a kitchen store, cooks of crocus hill, crate and barrel, bed bath and beyond, target, ikea.... the list goes on and on.

And now (drumroll) I would like to draw attention to the fact that this woman was, herself, in fact, a LAZY SUSAN.

hahahahaha.

(This post falls under the category of restaurants vs. offices because it reminds me very much of the "what region are we in" lady.)

Junebug

2007-05-23T14:44:00.000-07:00

This is why I like our dog Juniper Bug:

Right now there is a tornado warning and she's sitting on the porch with me watching the rain. She'll look out the window, look at me worried, whine, and then look up at the ceiling. Then she looks out the window again. She just figured out roofs!

This rainstorm is the most exciting thing in the world for her. She's sniffing the air, she's watching everything, all the noises are making her jump and look. This is what it would be like to be an animal. For one thing, people would be thinner if they were more like animals. They move around all the time.

I love this dog. Granted, she ate the first 18 pages of my copy of "Gone with the Wind." I don't know, maybe she found it offensive.

The Climate Chronicles

2007-05-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

Part One: Equator.

For anybody who still reads this who is in NYC, you should absolutely go to this. God I'm sad to miss this.

directed by Sebastián Calderón Bentin
conceived and performed by Hannah Heller, Paige Collette, Sean Donovan and Sebastián Calderón Bentin

One night performance only!

Brooklyn Arts Exchange
421 Fifth Avenue, 3rd Floor
Park Slope, Brooklyn, NY 11215
www.bax.org

Admission: $5

2007-05-09T13:26:00.001-07:00

Hippies Burn Cross in Honor of Pagan Holiday

2007-05-08T13:15:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to go to the May Day parade in Mpls this year because I had to work at the restaurant. But my roommates filled me in on some of the, well, bloopers.
For those of you who don't know about May Day, just picture huge "bread and puppet" style puppets, and hippies in masks adorned with colorful ribbons and scarves.

The parade culminates at the park with a performance about the earth. Now, the "tree of life" is a repeat puppet every year. They always show the ravages of humankind's wastefulness on the tree of life. This year they decided to burn the puppet to show global warming or something. But the puppet's sketetal support was made with a simple vertical wooden stick, crossed with a horizontal one. You know, like the kind Jesus was hung on. Oh and the kind the Ku Klux Klan used.

Burning. So once all the paper mache and ribbons and fabric burned off, the audience was faced with a near empty stage featuring a burning cross.

The next awkward little moment was not so heavy with irony, but still made me laugh. The man who played the turtle was supposed to walk into the lake, retrieve his shell, and crawl slowly out of the water wearing this big turtle shell. But when he walked into the lake, waves of murmurs could be heard throughout the audience: "ew, i wouldn't go in there.." and "ooooh, that lake is so dirty."

The next part is best told with a reenactment, but I'll try to use my words. As the tortoise was crawling out of the water, everybody's attention was on him. It was the climactic moment. (although I doubt more climactic than a burning cross.) Suddenly a big queen (man) who had just purchased some kind of fruity shish kabob and a little gift bag of something, came barreling across the stage. At first audience and performers thought maybe this guy was part of the performance. Then they realized he was some pissed off gay guy who just wanted to cut across the performance. So in this momentous tortoise scene, this guy walks across with a vengeance, saying something like "WELL IF THE PATH WASN'T BLOCKED, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PATH, RIGHT HERE, I'M NOT GONNA WALK AROUND THE WHOLE LAKE."

listening to...

2007-04-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

flakradio!

Why i still read the fug

2007-04-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

LOL

Chelsea Clinton

2007-04-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

Malls can be amazing sometimes. Like last week when I found a photo booth that photoshops different hairstyles onto you. The results were, I think, priceless.

pedro jensen

2007-04-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

I recently found out that this scandinavian guy who we went to high school with, has been walking around identifying as a latino man. Apparently he traveled through South America and this experience made him decide he was going as a Latino from here on out.

You have to understand that this guy was a totally average track runner all through high school. He wasn't even into theater. He now has a moustache and wears a Zorro style hat. And TALKS WITH A FAKE SPANISH ACCENT.

And the kicker? He now works for a theater company that does diversity training at companies. He plays the Latino.

That is one of the more absurd things I've ever heard of.

Shallow dreams and the disappointing midwest H&M

2007-03-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

So I have had some pretty crazy dreams before. But never in my life have I experienced such a series of boring, shallow, and somewhat pop-culture induced dreams as the last few nights.

I had one where I was picking out healthy snacks for Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson. I was walking around a deli putting cottage cheese and immaculately selected berries into two little plastic cartons. See that is so disappointing to me. Usually MK and Ashley would only appear as grandmothers, telling me my cousin's head is in the toilet. Instead I'm just going "no this strawberry is not as big as the other," and tenderly nestling it further down into the curds.

Things got a little better last night when I had a dream that Oprah Winfrey tied a hook to my ankle and chased me around in a swimming pool with her entire audience swimming after her. She was the one to catch me (with her mouth) and she held on as I tried to swim away. I turned to my friend in the dream and said "of course Oprah would be the one to catch me. She would never orchestrate this whole thing and then let some audience member do the catching."

Although I would like to think I am not so shallow in my unconscious psyche, I have no problem admitting there are some very stupid things that I care very much about in my waking life. In this case: H&M. I went to the one at the Mall of America today and was so alienated I wanted to leave. You see someone at H&M thought that midwestern girls would not be interested in the fun styles that the NYC girls like, so they've filled the MOA store with the fashion sense of Contempo Casuals. I was actually confused. I wanted to make a big show of walking back out of the store, looking at the sign, walking back in and asking someone who works there: "Excuse me, but is this H&M?" and then using sign language and volume to express that they probably didn't understand. H&M? Because I know H&M isn't quality or anything, but it at least could provide an alternative to everything else that is offered here. Someone made a bad business choice. They could have had something here, and intead they've got nothing. They made a safe, sad choice and I am mad. I will have to buy all my clothes from Anthro and Urban and various vintage stores. But there is no longer a cheap boutique to buy cool striped t-shirts in the summer. BOOOOOO.

Sinking in

2007-03-09T14:38:00.000-08:00

Two things happened at the exact same time today.

1. It sunk in that astronauts wear diapers.
2. I realized there was no way I will ever be an astronaut.

Some people think one day we'll take Moon Tours, or even set up civilizations on other planets, etc.. They clearly forgot about riding in a closed space for days with the overwhelming aroma of human feces.

Hexendrucken

2007-03-02T14:50:00.000-08:00

I'm doing some "research" right now on wikipedia. I call anything on the internet research. I'm reading about sleep paralysis. The scientific explanation made a lot of sense. Basically some neuron inhibitors get involved to prevent the body from enacting the dream activity. But things got really interesting when I got to the cultural references. Almost every single "folk" (does folk just mean "olde"?) culture in the world believes sleep paralysis has something to do with evil spirits pressing on you.

Chinese: Ghost press bed; Mexico: dead climbing on top; Laotian: Ghost silencing you;

But my favorite one? German. Hexendrucken (with an umlaut over the u). And it means "witch pressing." Those germans, they just get right to the point. They're saying basically "sleep paralysis" means "be very afraid."

When science has an answer that every single culture in the world eschews in the name of a ghost explanation, what is going on there?

Next topic...
I'm getting ready to move from New York, and trying to get some very important things done. Number one on my list is afternoon tea at the Plaza. The website says "jeans are tolerated." so I won't be wearing jeans. I know what "tolerated" means to the richy riches. It means "seriously frowned upon." I'm very excited to act fancy.

Also...
There is one elderly friend of mine who I have been helping for several years. Every Saturday I go and buy her groceries and do her laundry. Basically, she is very unhappy about me "abandoning" her. But somehow, her guilt trips have become much less painful as they have become the end of her every sentence. "Did you check the date on the milk? Oh what am i gonna do without you." and then two seconds later: "I told Pete at the Diner that you're leaving (oh what am I gonna do without you, my whole life is changing, everybody leaves me) and he said to wish you good luck." Its sad, but now its just like breathing for her. It softens the blow to both of us I think.

2007-02-28T11:13:00.001-08:00

Powerpoint Animation has opened up a whole new chapter in my life.

2007-02-27T09:30:00.000-08:00

I love the fug girls as much as the next girl. I mean every single woman who sits at a desk all day and may or may not have a blog, just about lives for the fug. At least at certain hours of the day its like a big treat. Like at 2:30. You're not even close to the home stretch yet, and lunch was over an hour ago. Its the witching hour. I just have one addition to the critique of anne hathaway's oscar "dress."

My main issue with Anne Hathaway's dress is that everybody is actually calling it a big black bow. It may technically be a bow because it has two loops and two strands, and a knot in the middle. But the real problem is that it looks like a tuxedo vest slash S&M corset. It looks like she's getting married and singing "Cabaret" at the same. I hate it so much. All she needs is a top hat, a whip, a veil and a man acting like a pony to ride on and laugh maniacally at the wind.

Okay, I thought I was done, but I'm not. Did Anne keep saying to all her friends and family, "Is this bow too big?" "Does it even look like a bow anymore?" and they kept saying "no no Annie! You have to take fashion risks to stand out! Especially since you have no personality and your eyes are like that of an adult Precious Moments doll."

2007-02-21T00:38:00.000-08:00

The only thing I can hope for is that young ladies all over the world will start shaving their heads in solidarity with her.

Solidarity for no cause whatsoever.

Only then will reality have truly surpassed fiction in its absurdism, irony, etc. We will truly be living in a dystopian novel.

I would like to say one more thing. When i first saw the headline, next to that picture, it was obscured by someone's arm. I thought it said "Britney Sheds." Which would have been amazing.

15

2007-02-13T14:50:00.000-08:00

(Well, it turns out I am able to blog anyways. I thought I would get a firewall b/c my firm firewalls gmail.)

So today the mail room guy came up to me and said, "Fifteen."
I said "Fifteen?"
And he said "Fifteen for Bob Lastname" (name protected).
I said "Fifteen what?"
to which he replied "fifteen."
I looked around for some clues. I saw a box of flowers. Oh!
"Fifteen Roses? Fifteen flowers?"
"No," he said. "Fifteen pieces."
And I said "Pieces of mail?"
And he said, "yeah, fifteen for Bob"
And I said "ok, so you're telling me there are fifteen pieces of mail today for Bob Lastname?" and he said "yeah, they're on his desk."

???????????????

This reminds me of the "what region are we in" lady. For those of you haven't heard this story yet:

A consultant approached my desk with a piece of paper in her hand. She said "What region are we in?" and I said "region?" and she said "yeah." I said "I...I don't understand what you're asking me." She said "Is it New York?" I was flabbergasted. Did she mean "state" when she said "region?" Or was she referring to where her head was at? I tried to take a peek at the paper in her hand. She hid it from my eyes. Then she said "Its New York" and walked away.

Now back to the mail guy b/c I just remembered he's done this kind of thing before. One day (Friday before a holiday) at 12:00 Noon, when picking up the mail, he said "Is this it?" and I said "Is what it?" He said "Is this it for today?" and I said "for mail? Are you asking me if that is the only mail we will send today?" And he said "yeah." I said "No. We will definitely have more mail today." And he said "we close at 3:00" and I said "OH. Ok, I'll let people know."

One more thing about being an admin. Sometimes people call me and ask where "the meeting" is. Or what time "the meeting" is. This would be ok if we were on a tv sitcom about "an office" or if we were children playing "office" and there was only one "meeting" and we all knew where "the files" were, and "the report" was due before 5.

Topics for discussion

2007-02-12T08:20:00.000-08:00

1. Will Sooz be able to blog from work still since blogger is now run through google accounts? Probably not. So thanks a lot blogger.

2. I'm going to give it a try, but if you don't hear from me until every other saturday, its b/c that is the only time i can really blog. Great. Really fucking great.

3. On to other topics of conversation, although my blogger bitterness might come through again. Ok, Orange Celebrities. I hate them.

4. Indoor waterparks. How great are they?

5. Memory foam mattresses. I want one. Say a girl wanted to get her hands on some memory foam and just make her own mattress out of it. Whats stopping this girl? Location? So, can somebody point me in the direction of the foam factory? b/c I can't believe they're selling these things for thousands of dollars. I want one! Can't we just figure out what the foam is made out of and make it ourselves?

6. Other things I've tried to make myself: A dress, a jewelry box, fettucine alfredo without any proper ingredients, headbands, jewelry, a book bound entirely in office supplies, a blog. Also my friend knitted me a thong and exercise wristbands out of yarn.

6. Counting.

7. The internet. I want it to go extinct, I'm tired of it now. The New Yorker had this article about how fame is just exposure, not talent or hard work, and I agree and I'm sad that people used to become famous for composing a SYMPHONY IN FOUR ACTS, and now they just show their CHA-CHAS. Boooooooo. OVER IT.

8. I thought the 80's radio station online was the best one, but then I found the 80's love songs one. Its even better, because thats what the 80's excelled at~ love songs. And also scientists, robots and "down under."

9. Two nights ago Pye was sleeping on my stomach and she reached out and gently placed her paw on my cheek. THAT IS VERY CUTE.

10. Seriously, can we go backwards with technology? I don't want to be a part of the world community! I want to live in a small town and work the mill with 20 awesome people and then come home and cook food and talk about the harvest, and never leave the town. I'm just really worried that if we can accomplish EVERYTHING at our desks, we will end up as like juicy pods with wires stuck in us, having virtual experiences and thinking we are alive. I'd rather be turned into a robot then a juicy fleshy pod. At least robots can attempt to climb stairs.

11. What if one morning you saw ASIMO walking out of a starbucks with a tray of four coffees, carrying a bookbag, on his way to class? And if you saw someone go "Hi ASIMO!" And then ASIMO stops in the middle of the crosswalk and goes "Hello Jason." (CRASH)

12. I've noticed that putting in 6 weeks notice at an office is like putting a pint of Ben and Jerry's in the freezer and telling yourself you can eat it in 6 weeks.

13. A great movie is "Some kind of wonderful" with Mary Stuart Masterson and Eric Stoltz. Mostly because she is a phenomenal actress. I'm going to list a few other actresses I like here. Rachel Griffiths, Samantha Morton, Rachel Weisz, Blanchett, Benning, S. Epetha. There's more, but I just think its important that we remember what they can do, as opposed to like ScarJo, Portman, and Sienna Miller. And of course I like, Winslet, Dench, etc. Those British actresses seem to have MILES on us. They just breed em different over there. All we have is Meryl.

Joke of the Year

2007-02-05T07:29:00.000-08:00

What did the bra say to the top hat?

"You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift."

(from the Prairie Home Companion)

2007-01-22T08:06:00.000-08:00

I didn't know they even made mini-backpacks anymore. Now I remember something to hate more than Uggs.

A Very Robot Wednesday

2007-01-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

Good Morning. I've done this before. Making fun of ASIMO. But I recently found this video of him falling.

See, he has to look right at the audience. He should have looked where he was going. Which engineer designed the part where he cranes his head toward the audience as if to say "watch this expert stair climbing." When they put the screen up in front of him is when the little man inside crawls out of him. This video makes me less afraid of robots. If they're ever chasing me, i'll just climb some stairs, duh.

And there's this one of Sony's QRIO doing a traditional fan dance. And make sure you watch it all the way through so you can see them break it down hip-hop style. See robots are just like us. They respect our cultures and traditions.

And finally, this excerpt from the constant discovery and conversation about robots going on between me and my friend, whom we'll call "Mae24."

10:14:53 Mae24> whoa - look at all the people in those bleachers!
10:14:58 Mae24> these robots are riveting
10:15:02 Mae24> they are amazing
10:15:09 Mae24> they're the new shirley temple
10:15:12 Sooz> ?
10:15:16 Mae24> it's like people's attitudes towards them are shifting
10:15:22 Mae24> people used to not be so into babies
10:15:38 Mae24> they weren't cute - they were a hassle and they were used as workers
10:15:38 Sooz> lol
10:15:46 Sooz> omg
10:15:49 Mae24> but shirley temple kind of changed all that

You should also check out all the videos of ASIMO running. It looks like he's trying to make it to the bathroom on time. Or like he stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

forget it

2007-01-12T15:44:00.000-08:00

THE BEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.

Ok, maybe i'm a little late on this, but WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS?

If anybody knows how I can totally copy those ladies and do exactly what they're doing without doing exactly what they're doing, call me.

I'm serious, btw. You know when you express too much vigor and people think you're being sarcastic? Thats not what I'm doing. God bless these women.

2007-01-11T14:17:00.000-08:00

When I eat a "salad" for lunch, it really means I'm eating Fritos, because I always get the Fritos "just in case" because I know the salad won't be enough. Then I end up hating the taste and consistency of the salad and just eating the Fritos.

heading for the state of zombie

2007-01-08T11:17:00.000-08:00

This gas leak stuff in nyc is really weird. How can they report that they're getting 911 calls about nausea and then say that its not harmful?

Our firm has been sending firmwide emails telling us that its not harmful but just to be safe they encourage us to drink plenty of water. Anything that requires drinking plenty of water sounds harmful to me. Also many buildings are closing off their air vents. I understand that they're trying to prevent an NYC stampede, because truly, that would be insane, but they should be careful about what kind of advice they drop.

That's like robbing a convenience store by holding a gun out and telling the clerk there's no bullets in it, but "no I will not pull the trigger just to prove it."

Its like boiling up some hassenpfeffer and telling your vegetarian guest that the rabbit skeleton in the wastecan has nothing to do with the menu.

In any case, its times like these that I realize how easy it is to imagine a zombie scenario. If all of NYC turned into zombies b/c of some mysterious "smell" and the national guard got brought in. There's just so much we don't know about science. Is there a team of scientists that have been hired to prove zombification is not possible at all?

thumbs in

2007-01-03T16:56:00.000-08:00

I recently learned that if you're going to punch someone, for real, its important not to tuck your thumbs in to your fists. You can break your thumbs that way.

This isn't one of those posts where I'm being hinty about having gotten in a fistfight. Why? Because I don't have fists, I have....

pacifists.

AHAHAHAHAHA!

:-{)

2007-01-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

Here are two blogs I would start if I wasn't so lazy and could spend all my time surfing the internets:

1. Mens in Moustaches. I don't know why, I just like men in moustaches. Usually. And, no, its not because of Borat. God, shut UP about Borat already. Borat is more over than Uggs. Which reminds me. I still have to design that t-shirt inspired by "start seeing motorcycles" that says "stop seeing Uggs."

2. The amazing outfits of Susie Greene. She's Jeff's wife on the Larry Davids and I love her outfits. Not to wear for myself, but to marvel at. Here is just one example:

Soozical

2006-12-13T14:27:00.000-08:00

I have been amassing all these details in my head:

1. 2 nights ago I had one of those dreams about Brad Pitt. I feel so unoriginal.

2. My father has started taking yoga classes. He is the only man in the class and the teacher always simplifies poses for him: "Tom will just want to put his leg to the side for this one." On Sunday they were doing a stretch against the wall. And my dad broke the wall. He put a hole in the wall.

3. Ladies, have you ever worn a pair of nylons for more than one day without them getting a run in them? Ever? Those things should just be disposable.

4. The building next to my apartment in Harlem is full of live chickens in cages. I didn't know this until I walked by and the garage was up and I saw them all. I had to stop and stare for awhile.

5. Pye has discovered this ceramic bowl. She sits in the bowl all day and all night. She never gets out of the bowl. She still sleeps with me at night but in the morning she goes to the door and cries until I let her go sit in her bowl. She doesn't even like to eat any more. All she cares about is bowl bowl bowl.

6. Last night I saw this commercial for Campbells Cream of Mushroom soup. It shows that famous Green Bean Casserole of theirs being set by a window to cool. At that point, a fir tree outside comes to life, opens the window with one of its branches, and scoops, SCOOPS, a "handful" (branchful?) of green bean casserole for itself to presumably eat. I have never felt so uncomfortable watching a commercial in my life. First of all, what would you do if you made that casserole and one of your friends just reached in and scooped some of it to eat out of their hand? Second of all, a fir tree, or spruce branch, whatever, has all those holes, all those spaces for the gloppiness to seep through. Its like trying to pick up sand with a fork. So now I'm picturing this fir tree licking its barbs, trying to get all the slop from between its needles. And this is why its especially disturbing. That xmas tree is eating its own kind. I have a real "thing" about anthropomorphic cannibalism. I don't like pigs in chef hats, or cartoon chickens eating eggs, or even lightbulbs using lightbulbs to light their lightbulb houses. I'm not saying green beans and spruce trees are of the same family, but they are at least both plants! Whoever came up with this commercial is clearly creative (the food is so delicious that the surrounding flora must partake!) but their creativity resulted in YUCK in this case. And yuck is not good for food commercials.

7. And finally, today was our office fire drill. I'm on the fire team and my title is "searcher." This morning the Fire Warden told me where I was assigned to search. But I forgot. So when the alarm went off I went to the conference rooms and found Steve there searching. He was like "This is my search territory." So I looked in the copy room and found Joe. He was like "Go search the womens bathroom, this is my search territory." By that time it was getting pretty late and everybody was already waiting at the stairwell. So I started running. What the crowd of people saw was me running at full force past the door, to the pantry, then back out and into the women's room, where I said "Everybody out!" They all roared with laughter. Then I came out of the women's room and leaned against the wall to wait. The fire warden was like "Where's John (the deputy fire warden)?" and I was like "Oh! I forgot to make eye contact with him!" So I ran back into the office and told him the women's room was all clear so he could join us at the stairwell. They all laughed again.

This story is much more amusing for people who know what my last name is.

8. I had this wacky dream where my 2nd grade class was recalled. Like a faulty cellphone battery. So I was going to 2nd grade with all these other grown-ups. I was getting ready at my mom's house in the morning, and we kept discovering her badly behaved roommate (played by Jamie Lee Curtis) in various suggestive positions with her mancandy personal trainer. My mom tried to trick me that school started at 11:30 so I wouldn't leave her alone with them. Now that I think about it, I don't blame her. Jamie Lee Curtis and a half naked personal trainer does seem like the perfect recipe for a gunfight of some kind.

2006-11-29T07:06:00.000-08:00

I hardly slept last night because Pye insisted on being outside of my room, fighting and running around. And then she insisted on being inside my room. And then back out again. Also she was experimenting with the percussive qualities of litter and box.

But I did manage to have a dream where I worked at a radio station and the boss insisted on decorating the radio station excessively in Christmas decorations. Like our desks were buried in fake snow mountains that had trains running through them. She was big, blonde, and was having a noisy, giggly affair with a much smaller man from the station. She gave me tickets to a dance performance called "The Entrap Dancements."

Float like a butterfly, Sting like Pye

2006-11-22T12:16:00.000-08:00

My roommate has a cat named Tye. And I have a cat named Pye. Seriously. (These were their names before we even met each other.) Tye is very large and the whole apartment is his. Pye is tiny and has only my room to herself.

So my roommate just told me what she saw last night. She was watching the two cats pawing at each other from under the door. Then she saw Pye's paw come all the way under the door. Tye backed up, took a running start, and threw all his weight against the door, causing it to open! And without a second's hesitation, Pye came out swinging and clawing, and just walloped Tye right on the side of the face. He was completely shocked by it, and backed off. Then Kelly closed the door.

Now don't get me wrong. I still believe in non-violence when it comes to humans. But i'm so proud of her! Pye is scrappy! She came out swinging. She's like the Ali of catboxing!

Blogging about cats.

I may not have a science degree, but I know water doesn't expand

2006-11-22T10:22:00.000-08:00

Ice expands.

So explain my cubicle neighbor's "theory" to me:

"He said he needs it by 11:15, so I told him that means its 10:00 now, we've got an hour and 15 minutes. ITS THE WATER THEORY! You see, water expands, so its like that time is filled with water and water's got give. Its got room, see. Room to grow."

Seriously, this neighbor of mine has said some crazy things, but usually they have a trace of sanity. A trace.

Where's Sooz?

2006-11-21T10:51:00.000-08:00

Soozercising? No. Pressing the Sooz button on her alarm clock? I wish.

Have you all been wondering where Sooz is? All billion of you? Well, as a 50-year-old famewhore would say, I'm still here damnit. I've just been busy and when faced with the prospect of blogging about things, the things seemed either:

1. Boring
2. Stupid
3. Too revealing

I could talk about yoga! There are several teachers at my studio. One is the gentle one who focuses on alignment. She's my favorite. Then there's the athletic one who shouts the positions like a flight attendant: "aaaand downward facing dog!"
My least favorite one is the one who I'm pretty sure is a con-artist. This is the girl who probably went to one yoga class, realized she could teach it, and faked a resume. All so that her boyfriend could rifle through our stuff while we innocently stretched. Or at least thats what I was imagining the whole time; not very relaxing. Its just that I've never had an instructor tell us to jump straight from tabletop to downward facing dog. Also she kept forgetting what the poses were called! Ridiculous.
The other thing about this girl was that she was too needy. She greeted us each individually and made us sit closer to her b/c she "won't bite." Either she needed to gain our trust whilst her boyfriend rifled, or she was severely insecure. I just don't want to be worrying about my instructor's self esteem during Vinyasa.
And yesterday there was one who sang. She just broke into song. I guess this is common practice, but at the time I had to hold my breath to keep from laughing.

So thats yoga. Another thing I'd like to address is rice and sauce dishes. Why are they so good? I don't care which country's people are cooking it, when rice and sauce are combined, it tastes good.

I saw the second half of War of the Worlds last night. I was like a mother the whole time: "Oh my god, that poor little girl! She is going to be so traumatized after this- can you imagine? Oh this is very scary. Cover her eyes! Somebody get the girl, GET THE LITTLE GIRL!" Now I have this strange desire to find Dakota Phanning and wrap her in blankets and rock her and stroke her face. I mean really. Seeing robots suck humans in through their sphincters and coat the earth with bloody veins? That is so not good for a girl.

2006-11-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Everybody!

more about judo

2006-11-06T11:12:00.000-08:00

Since I've recently figured out the basics of judo, i've decided to apply them to many unlikely places. For the untrained, the basics of judo, as I understand them, are:

Turn the opponent's weapon on them.
Take advantage of the opponent's weakness.

Examples
-If a bear sits on you, sit on him!
-If several zombies try to trap you in a room, simply escape from the room and trap the zombies in the room.
-If a karate chop comes at your head, move to the side and karate chop the chopper.

So those are the standard examples. Here are some judo results i'd like to see:

1. If you know a millionaire, become the millionaire!
2. When the train is going slow, slow the rest of the world down so that the "crawler" is in fact an "express" as it was supposed to be.
3. When you buy a new jacket, have the store give you some money too.

Sweet Valley

2006-10-27T06:57:00.000-07:00

Today's show that I would like to reminisce on is "Sweet Valley High." This show, along with "Breaker High" which featured the young Noah Calhoun, satisfied some sort of hunger inside of me. Its a desire that a lot of ladies experience; the desire to indulge in something totally shallow and lame and as far away from "high art" as possible.
But my favorite thing? The opening song of the show:

"Look right down in a crowded hallway. You see there's a beauty standing. Is there really two of them or...a reflection? Sweeeet Valley, sweet valley, hiiiiiiiiiiigh!"

We used to practice walking through our high school hallways and doing this "turn and smile and wave" thing, that we felt was the essence of high schoool tv shows. Even with short brown hair, you can pretend to flip your long blonde locks in a devil-may-care attitude.

Don't go thinking you got away with reading this post without a little gosling claim. So yeah Gosling was on breaker high, so....I saw him first. Dibs.

3 randoms

2006-10-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

1. You know those commercials for careerbuilder that show the guy who works in an office with only monkeys? The thrust of their message is "this guy wants a new job." But guess what? That message doesn't work on me. Because I would LOVE to work in an office with only monkeys. Are you kidding me? Jumping on bubble wrap? Playing with our food? The possibilities fill me with a deep and powerful joy.

2. This morning on the subway, I was so rude as to unabashedly invade the private reading space of pure Royalty. You see, on the crowded L train, the center aisle is designated specifically for men to hold their books in. Once having found his seat, or "perch," it is a noble man's prerogative to lean forward and rest his cavalier arms upon his knees. And then to not move. No matter what. When the doors opened and masses of passengers pressed me unwillingly towards the gentlemen's giant bubble, I was unable to hold the levee. And, without my knowledge, the tip of my bag passed in front of (without touching) the top two sentences of his precious text. Without looking up, he took my bag in his hand and pressed it firmly away from his personal study lounge. I blushed at my own audacity. Oh yeah, and the precious text? I was able to glance at the chapter title and it was about witches. Witches. If you're going to be a crazy asshole, at least try not to be such a dorky one. Dorkface.

3. My friend is one of those spellers who uses the age old trick "when in doubt, add a letter." I love it.

Express Yourself

2006-10-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes on the internet you come across something so subtle in its beautiful hope and freedom. And yet totally awkward and adolescent. Hence:

Senior Portraits

This reminds me of that dear time when you actually believed that a picture could express your true nature so that everybody at school would see the real you.

Whether its feeling so naturally in touch with water that you'll crawl into it in your clothes, or so in love with track that you'll sprawl across it like a Broadway star, these pictures capture the essence of insecurity in its subtlest fashion. I love them.

Remember when you were not embarrassed to pose in arabesque in a grassy knoll just to express how joyfully you will take on the world, at the same time as you remind people that you've had 8 years of dance at Maria Escalante Studios?

Remember when you were proud of medals? Medals.

Remember when you saw yourself as a wandering spirit, having just read On the Road, so you chose the traintracks as a setting for your story? The start of a journey.

Remember your violin? Or your horse? Sigh.

Amish people don't like having their pictures taken

2006-10-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

Maybe one of the best things we could do for the Nickel Mines Amish people would be to stop taking pictures of them.

A story from my past regarding Bette Midler

2006-10-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

When I was in fifth grade we had to do a biographical project about our hero. Other people picked Malcolm X. I picked Bette Midler. Also, instead of the standard posterboard, I wrote a video interview between Barbara Walters and Bette Midler, casting myself as Bette. My costume was:

A gray wig
Neon green biker shorts
A purple sweater
High heels
A red purse

In the interview Barbara asked me about the death of my parents and I acted out "getting choked up" which involved no real tears. Which reads a little bit like "making fun of Bette Midler's parents' deaths."

At one point I wanted "The Wind Beneath My Wings" to fade in as we pretended to small talk after the interview. My solution? Place a tape player behind the couch and sneak my hand behind it and press play. Sneaky! In the video, you see me do this, and then I look at the camera with panic in my eyes. Its not plugged in! So I get up and plug it in and then just go sit on the couch and say "technical difficulties."

We didn't edit any of this out for the presentation to the class.

2006-09-27T11:30:00.000-07:00

I just ate a crumb from between my keyboard keys.

iGallop

2006-09-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

The horsequin's cousin

I know what this is really for. And its not practicing my equestrian skills.

fashion and politics

2006-09-20T14:30:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time in my day thinking about those two topics. Like today I had this thought: "Is fashion always an escape from politics, or do the two ever entertwain?" And then I realized I had made up a brilliant new word that I was very happy with.

Today I saw this:

Its really great for a lot of reasons, but the main one is that horsequin. I am picturing three things:
1. Clothes designed for that horsequin
2. Real models trying to ride that horsequin down the runway, perhaps on wheels?
3. Fashionistas buying bridles and saddles even if they don't own a horse or horsequin.

2006-09-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

Well put

New Mission

2006-09-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a really long time since I posted. I've been trying to figure out what funny is, and its sometimes fun but other times it sucks. Here are some things that have happened to me recently that I thought were funny...

1. Lily Dale. Lily Dale is a real town in upstate New York. In order to buy realty there you have to be a medium, psychic, or spiritual healer of some kind. We decided to take a road trip up there and found out that connecting with the spirit world is actually just like any other job. They were closed on Labor Day. The whole town except for two psychics who were booked all day. So we wandered around through their little village. The roads are so tiny there they have golf carts. And they all buy into that "Glinda the good witch" school of design. Angel dolls, crystals, etc. I was hoping we'd find the bad witch amongst all of them but apparently their main belief is that the world is good and the spirits wish to do us no harm. Then we found their BBQ. The whole town was having a picnic and we weren't invited. I started to really get mad at those psychics. I wanted some sweet grandmother to waddle over to me just because she could see so clearly that I needed some answers. But it didn't happen. It made me not want to believe. But I did buy a book about Lily Dale in the Crystal Cove shop and after reading about it, I think I want to go back. P.S. I'm also a fan of all the tricks the fake psychics used to do, like "spirit cabinets" where they just hid a person in the cabinet and the person made sounds and somehow that convinced a visitor that there were spirits in there.

2. I watched a Richard Pryor DVD. I think we're supposed to be inspired by people who were so awesome at what they did. But I'm just scared shitless. He was so good its insane.

3. Pye (the cat) likes sleeping under my bedcovers. Its cute when she does that because then its like having a little baby in my arms. It doesn't last long, however, and I finally figured out why she does it. Because she doesn't like the fan. And last night she decided "if you can't hide from it, play with it," which in this case meant "go over the bed, go under the bed, go over the bed, go under the bed" because that way she was tricking the moving air. I don't know. Since I have an imagination, and I happen to have just finished reading a book about spirits, I decided she was playing tag with a ghost, not the fan. Even though I knew it was the fan, I decided there was a chance it was a ghost. And if that was the case, it was only a matter of time before the ghost made itself known to me. And I really couldn't handle that, so I put Pye out of the room.

4. There are some things I hate about my neighborhood. Number one is the eurotrash fashion of the middle aged Polish women. Number two is the truck brigade. Number three is the barking dog, who I'm pretty sure has stopped barking now because his owner is abusing him, so now I sort of want him to start barking again just so I know he's alive. Number four is the hipsters. Number five is the bus that never runs.

5. My dad is a talker. So am I. Last night I told him we both can really talk. He said "I'm not as bad as my brother Dave!" I said thats true but Dave isn't as bad as grandpa was, and I'm not as bad as you are. The pattern is it gets worse with age.

6. My friend and I were at a show a few weeks ago. She turned her cell phone off. Like you do. In the middle of the play everybody heard somebody in the audience making a phone call on speakerphone. Not a phone RINGING, but a phone CALLING someone. Then an answering service picked up and it was her boyfriend's outgoing message. She jumped and turned it off. This means that her phone was sound asleep, woke up, grew arms, turned itself on, pressed speaker phone, dialed a number, and pressed send.

Old dead wives tales

2006-09-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago, my friend fixed my necklace, because the clasp was in front. She said "did you ever believe that thing that if the clasp is in front, it means someone is thinking about you?"
"Well," I said, "I always thought if your nose itched, it meant someone was thinking about you..."
We stopped and stared at each other, the sad truth dawning on us. In that look it became very clear how deeply we had been duped. Old wives tales are nothing but old, dead wives tales, totally invented for no reason except to make girls think boys somewhere have crushes on them. Because growing up, we always assumed "someone is thinking about me" meant they liked you, not that they hated you.
You could say anything meant anything. "Oh, I just threw up! I guess somebody, somewhere has a huge crush on me!"

A movie I'd like to see is

2006-08-30T13:43:00.000-07:00

"Leaky Jars of Acid on a Plane"

Dear Tommy Tutone

2006-08-29T16:09:00.000-07:00

Thanks a lot for giving the whole world my phone number.

Sincerely,
Jenny
(867-5309)

"tools"

2006-08-28T18:08:00.000-07:00

You know how new computer applications are sometimes called tools? hmmm.

Remember when cavemen invented tools? No? Neither do I. But it probably went exactly like this:

The caveman grunts at the carcass which he can't skin. He wants to make a pelt! Its going to get cold soon! He beats the carcass with his fists, he pulls on the carcass. He tears at the carcass with his teeth and it budges. His teeth can't cut through the skin, but they can make a dent! He tries to sharpen his tooth. OUCH! He finds a piece of wood and tries to sharpen that. He can now poke a hole in the hide! This is a start! Now we're talkin'!

That was the guy who INVENTED the tool. The other cavemen, the ones who came after him, were supposed to just be thankful that they had the tool, and feel that the tool MADE THEIR JOB EASIER.

So how do we explain this:

The Sooz grunts at the pile of receipts. She opens the new application and the online training session in unison. She starts pausing the training session b/c it moves too fast. She finds that she has to print out a barcode from the expense report, fax it to an imaging center with the receipts, and notify the app that the receipts have been sent, noting the barcode. After that she has to wait a day and log back on so she can view her receipts and attach them. then she gets an alert. There are unattached amex expenses somewhere. She doesn't have access to the amex tool, so after 15 emails to the security team, she gets access. but even though amex, and the company, have records of the amex expenses, she still needs to get the hardcopy receipts from her boss. He doesn't have them. time ticks. The tool times out and erases all the work. Thats ok because there were several fields she hadn't filled out yet, like this one: "Select Types of Expense: ENT: non-Americas or SEC: client meal."

NOT A TOOL.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

2006-08-25T08:40:00.001-07:00

Puppy purse

dandies

2006-08-21T09:11:00.000-07:00

A month ago I was walking with a friend down Mercer and I saw this couple. The fellow (I HAVE to call him that) was wearing some sort of sweater vest, and jauntily weaved in front of his girlfriend. You know those people who look like they're from The Great Gatsby and they're proud of it, and 2006 is so stupid? Its an expensive trust fund look; it involves blue blood and pale colors.
I grabbed my friend and said "look, we got us a couple of dandies here." like an S.E. Hinton novel.

Well on Saturday I ran into this friend again and she was VERY excited to tell me a story. She said "On the train on the way here, I saw that couple again! The dandies! And get this. They were wearing matching seersucker!" I laughed. We were at a performance series called Catch at Galapagos and my friend had been carrying two props for her show: Badminton rackets. She excitedly explained that the Seersuckers noticed her badminton rackets, and approached her on the train. The man said "those are some nice badminton rackets. You know I play badminton." Somehow, she did know that he "played" badminton. Of course he did. I love people who just prefer to live in a different decade.

Lost and Found

2006-07-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

On the trains, there's this ad for the MTA Lost and Found Phone #. It features some horrible drawings of objects that are supposed to be commonly lost on the subway, I'm assuming. I can't tell what most of them are, and the ones that are discernable (or interpretable) include:

a wooden leg
a pile of cash
mittens
two pencils that appear to be glued together
a squiggly line

My favorite one, however, was pointed out by my friend Abby who said "What's that? Is that a cupcake?" and I said "Oh that? That's a purple pie of course." Then Abby proceeded to be some flutterbudget calling the MTA Hotline: "Do you have a purple pie?" It cracked me up and the guy next to us joined in the laughter. I guess he was cancer free.

2006-07-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

Today I sent a print job to the printer and when it didn't print I went over to check out the situation. The printer said:

CANNOT MOPY JOB

Now it is bad enough when things don't do what they're supposed to do. But when they don't do something that doesn't exist except maybe in Jim Henson land?

You know what? Good, I'm glad you can't Mopy anything, because I never wanted any Mopies.

Zombie Debates of '06

2006-07-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

S: In the zombie dream I was a camp counselor in my cabin alone when suddenly three zombies came in. I ran for the door but they trapped me in the cabin. I tried to fight the first one with a pool cue, but I couldn't get it back far enough to jam it in his throat because I was against the wall. The attempt to jam it in the zombie's throat was very lengthy and seemed to be the best solution, which isn't really a great solution, is it?
T: You're terrible at fighting zombies. I know it was a dream, but the best way to defeat a zombie if you're trapped in a room is to let the zombies in the room, run around them, then trap them in the room! Like judo.
S: I couldn't get out of the room, silly. How am I gonna trap them in the room if I'm also trapped in the room. we were all trapped in the room. and guess whose the meal in that case? Sooz.
T: There wasn't a door or anything?
S: The zombies outside trapped us in there by barring it shut. i guess they were smart. besides judo doesn't work if its just switching words around. case in point: There is an elephant on me. To solve this problem I would simply sit on the elephant. Judo.
T: Here's how judo works on zombies. It's sort of complicated, so you probably won't get it. But I'll send it to you anyway, maybe if you read through it a few times -- or ask someone for help with it -- you'll eventually pick up on the idea. Lure the zombies into the room, don't work to keep them out. Once they are in the room, using their slouching zombie momentum to go towards you, quickly move around the zombies, and out the door from which they are so hurriedly moving away. Judo.
S: Yeah I get that. and by the way, the tactic of "telling me i'm not smart" works only in your mind. HOWEVER, in the dream, I did not have time to do any luring. the zombies surprised me in the room and shut the door on me. My plan was to try to lure them away from the door and then dash for the door, which I did, and at that moment, a zombie outside SHUT THE DOOR ON ME. So i was trapped inside the room. it was not some sort of room-weapon that I was going to use to "trap some zombies today." You should read your emails more carefully.
Sooz - 10
Taylor - 0
T: It sounds like you don't know what a zombie is. I read your email quite clearly, but at no point did you explain that "trapped in a room" meant "the zombies departed from all characteristics of zombie attacks and learned how to work in unison to lure me into a false sense of escape, at which point another zombie popped up and blocked me from getting through the only exit of the room". If you would've said that, I would've said that nothing, not even the ancient and beautiful art of judo could save you.
Maybe you have so much trouble because you live in soozworld, with its crazy workings and delusions.
Sooz - 6
Taylor - 11
S: Oh really? "The zombies outside trapped us in there by barring it shut. i guess they were smart."
If you don't believe me, you could also try scanning down this email again.
I think I'm starting to figure out TAYLORTOWN, btw. Since Soozworld relies on good arguing skills, fact, and delivery, Taylortown relies on "cutting down your opponent with groundless insults."
Sooz - 16
Taylor - 2
T: So were they really were super zombies that entered the only entrance, turned around and barracked the door? Or did the zombies work as a team to spring the surprise zombie on you? Either way, you didn't specify that they were super zombies, just that they could shut a door, which maybe in Soozworld means that they are super intellegent.
And sound arguments are my weapon of choice, the mockery is just an easy added bonus.
S: The zombies were working as a team. some went in and others stayed out to bar us in. i thought I had implied that, but i guess you need it explained a little bit more. That's ok, I'm glad you finally understand.

The Great Cancer vs. Laughter debate of '06

2006-07-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been laughing on the train, really yukking it up, when you suddenly wonder, do these people on this train hate me? I have to say that I have rarely thought that. If you look around, peoples' faces look tired, but in general they've all come to accept the subway as a chaotic stream of personalities that best be ignored.

Until recently. Because recently I was confronted by this lady. She came out of nowhere and threw her flaming hot anger all over me and my friend. She sarcastically asked us if she could sit down next to us because she wanted to know what was so damn funny. She sat her big sweaty body down right next to me and glared at me. Then she said "Hey, I've got a joke for you. Tell me if you think this is funny. I'm unemployed and today I found out I have cancer. Do you think thats funny?"

No its not. Its sad. But its one of those times that, despite knowing the safe answer, all the Christian-Slater-Rebellion answers pop into your head first:
"Actually, empirically, cancer has been proven by several well-known comedians to be a perfectly acceptable and sometimes even welcome source of laughter."
~and~
"Actually, if you were watching this altercation from the outside, it would be a perfect comedy bit. Someone who every time they laugh in public is accosted by an unemployed cancer patient."

Luckily we finally surmised that she just wanted us to be quiet so she could get some sleep and we got off at the next stop.

Fact of the day

2006-07-21T09:47:00.000-07:00

Cats don't like baths

2006-07-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

Me: Pye, what are you doing?
Pye: (run run run)
Me: Running?
Pye: (run, stop, meow, run)
Me: Stop! What do you want? You want to be free?
Pye: (meow, meow, looking directly at me, meow)
Me: What? Are you in PAIN?
Pye: (running)
Me: Stop that!
Pye: (stops, grabs her paw with her teeth, bites.)
Me: Uh oh.
Pye: Meow. (biting at her foot)
Me: I know what this is.
Pye: (turning in circles)
Me: NOOOOOO!
Pye: MEOW!
Me: FLEAS!

metaphors for the heat

2006-07-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

Honestly I'm quite sad about the Middle East, the angry lady who attacked me on the train, and also the Middle East, so I'm going to try to cheer myself up with snappy metaphors for how hot it is.

1. Its like waking up underneath 60 pounds of velour.

2. Its like there's a radio playing "You're Beautiful" by that James Blunt guy over and over again but the radio is superglued to your back and you try to run backwards into brick walls to just break it, but its a radio of steel.

3. Its like armpit stains on prom night.

4. Its like the breath of a poopeater.

5. Its like trying to explain the internet to an impatient older person: "its like imaginary space. When you go to the website, you don't actually go there."

6. Its like wearing high heels that smell and hurt and you've been walking for a long time and there's no seats on the train and someone is leaning his whole sweaty body on the pole so you have to hold onto the one above the seats which you're too short for, and everybody can see sweat stains. Then your back spasms.

7. Its like being at a party and suddenly models arrive.

8. Its like the fourteenth person who says "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN 'HEATHERS'? YOU? But you would really like it! I can't believe you haven't seen it!" and everytime you go to blockbuster its not there.

9. Its like you forgot to feed your cat and when you get home she's really sad, but she doesn't hold it against you. She just rubs your leg because she's happy to see you, thereby increasing the guilt.

10. Its like eating too many fritos so your insides feel pickled.

sad sandwich

2006-07-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

I almost cried when I saw my sandwich today.

I went to Au Bon Pain which I generally try to avoid because this guy in my office always gets this one salad from there with asiago cheese and it smells like butthole.

Anyway, I had to go there b/c sometimes every NY deli looks suspicious. Especially in the summer. And especially when there's way too much shellfish in every deli for all of it to be fresh. And its right next to the cottage cheese. Ew, I have to stop.

So I ordered something off the menu called "Portobello Goat Cheese Sandwich with Artichoke Aioli on Sundried." Now that sounds like my kind of sandwich.

I watched as each sandwich before mine was made.

And then I seriously watched this woman pull out this thin "baguette" about the size of a newborn baby's wrist. She then slathered mushroom spread and goat cheese on each miniscule section. And then one piece of lettuce and two tomato slices.

It was, totally seriously, the smallest sandwich I have ever ever seen. It looked like something you could use to play a video game with. It was $6.50.

P.S. Martika's Toy Soldiers is the best song in the history of the world.

Superman for babies

2006-07-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

I almost got so distracted by the title of this entry that i couldn't go on. Because it reminded me of that movie Superbabies that I never got to see. I'm still pretty sad that Superbabies is out there and I haven't seen it. Also every day my heart sinks a little further because Riding the Bus with My Sister still goes unviewed by yours truly. Sigh.

But onwards. This weekend I paid 7 dollars and walked into a giant, air conditioned nursery. Complete with seats for viewing and a giant screen to look at. The untrained eye would have thought this was a movie theater, but to Saturday's families of dookie-machines, it was their own private babysitting extravaganza.

First of all, babies cry. Second, people go to movies to get away from their own babies, so why subject them to your babies? Third, if you are holding your baby up in front of the screen, everybody else is viewing Superman With Baby instead of Superman with Giant Rocket.

The babies' cries (and trips to and from the theater) were also accompanied by one of those "Didn't Know This Was A Superhero Movie" guys who sat behind us. So like when Superman's eye rejects a bullet intead of exploding in blood and guts, he was like "OOOOOHHHH HAHAHAHAH HO HO HOOOO!" Because the bad guy had no idea that Superman was bulletproof! What a burn!

The best moment came when the baby's daddy stood up and used the light of Lex Luther's Kryptonite Dagger to pour powdered formula into a water bottle.

i may have seen a lot of things in my life but i've never seen this

2006-06-30T11:51:00.000-07:00

Today I was going up the subway stairs behind this gigantic lady. A little 7-year old boy was trying to go down the stairs and he politely said "excuse me" as he tried to fit btwn her and the wall.

She body checked him. Luckily he fell against the wall instead of the floor. She walked on, looking totally satisfied with herself.

Body-checked. Purposeful, not even the kind where the soccer players are kind of after the ball and kind of after blood. Just the blood kind.

sign

2006-06-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

We've been having some trouble with our toilet's flusher. I'm going to make a sign like this:

"To flush, hold down handle. No really, keep holding. Think you're done? You're not. See that slight tremor in the water? That's a good sign. You're on the right track. But don't stop holding. You've got a long way to go. Once you hear a slight rumbling, way down below, that means you're about halfway there. Don't let go! Don't get excited by the noises and think the toilet will "take over from here," because thats not going to happen.

Still holding? I know. You're doing a great job! Just keep doing that.

Get a book. Maybe hum a tune. You're gonna be here for awhile.

What was that? a gurgle? No. Just a trick. Keep holding."

ok

2006-06-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while. I've been apartment searching and I don't want to talk about that. Its hell in a handbag. Its like having a canker sore at the back of your throat and the only way to relieve the pain is to get back there with your dirty subway finger and push on it, and then people look at you because there are strings of saliva coming off your finger. Like a baby.

Oh, look. I'm talking about it.

Speaking of babies, one "apartment" we looked at had a sign outside that said:

Please take your shoes off.
Please wash your hands before touching Amir.
If you are sick, do not go near Amir.

Amir was their son. First-born I presume. And heir to the entire kingdom. I was hoping Amir would have been like the cult leader though. Regardless, when you see a sign like that, you really don't know what you're getting into, and to be honest, you want to have your shoes on so you can EXEUNT ASAP if necessary.

I only have only one other issue to address today:

1) If you have made the personal choice to hover above the toilet seat, then it is your job to wipe the spray. Because if you don't, then now YOU are the problem.

bedizen \bih-DYE-zen\ verb

2006-06-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

: to dress or adorn gaudily

Last night on the train we noticed a lady wearing a little denim baseball cap with some serious bedazzlement on the brim. We weren't sure bedazzle was the perfect verb form...

now we have found it!

BEDIZEN

Example sentence:
"Adorned by minarets and spires and bedizened by more than a million lights,
Coney Island embodied what has been called the 'architecture of
exhilaration.'" (Blaine Harden, New York Times, August 28, 1999)

Did you know?
"Bedizen" doesn't have the flashy history you might expect — its roots lie
in the rather quiet art of spinning thread. In times past, the spinning
process began with the placement of fibers (such as flax) on an implement
called a "distaff"; the fibers were then drawn out from the distaff and
twisted into thread. "Bedizen" descends from the verb "disen," which meant
"to dress a distaff with flax" and which came to English by way of Middle
Dutch. The spelling of "disen" eventually became "dizen," and its meaning
expanded to cover the "dressing up" of things other than distaffs. In the
mid-17th century, English speakers began using "bedizen" with the same
meaning.

Today would be a good day to pretend to be the devil incarnate

2006-06-06T06:43:00.000-07:00

I saw a guy sitting at Starbucks, who was kind of reclined and smirking, listening intently to his business partner like he was about to smote him. I decided I'm gonna start acting a little bit like that today, just to freak people out.

Like if somebody pushes me on the train (which they will), I'll just growl some latin.

Or if the lady at "Hale and Hearty Soup Co." tells me that, unlike every other store in Manhattan, they don't take credit cards, I'll just stare at her.

I'm gonna use some hissing, some "tongues" and just evil stares.

I might also just go into speaking in tongues, like i'm being overtaken.

You know what I'm really excited for? All the preachers on the trains. Its gonna be a big one for them.

What if I took it in another direction (like a "party store" direction) and wore a sexy red dress and red horns and a tail, and like winked at men? I bet I could get a few believers to run.

It's not called gym-nice-tics

2006-06-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

I need to learn that when I do something that is embarrassing to me, I don't have to tell everybody about it. I'll just save it for the blog.

Cases in point:

1. Cried at "Stick it," the gymnastics movie. When the pressure of her parents' divorce mounted, and she mounted the beam, and then droplets of...sweat? no-tears, fell to the beam, I turned to my friend Kat and said "hit me. hit me hard." And she said 'why?' and I said "because I'm crying."

2. Despite HATING "The Break-up" I cried.

3. I have a mole underneath my nose. Its a small pink dot. I have known people for six years who have not noticed it. But when I walked around with a cup of watermelon punch all night, everybody thought it was watermelon punch. I had 3 strangers take a swipe at my nose with their index fingers.

bad news

2006-05-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

you know everybody seems to be running the "i wanna be just like FOX race." i've been frequenting the conference room with the tv on my lunch breaks, and today MSNBC made an extremely hurtful non-sequitor btwn a woman's testimonial about her son's body-moving duty in Haditha and the Barry Bonds ballcatcher's lucky trip to the snackstand. by nonsequitor i mean it was one sentence like i just wrote. who needs a period, nay even a COMMA, in a world like this one? KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES, KIDS!

free it up: blaine

2006-05-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

Reasons why I like the word Blaine:

1. the town in "Waiting for Guffman". (Red White and Blaine? yes please.)

Reasons why I hate the word Blaine:

2. The Blaine, MN girls soccer team were bitches and they all wore silver hoop earrings, fancy warm-up clothes and perms just b/c they were rich and knew that "matching" was the primary intimidation tactic for girls soccer.

1. And the # one reason I hate the word blaine? David Blaine. Don't get me wrong: When I first saw his DVD with all the street magic i was like "Wow, magic DOES exist." and i sort of liked watching all the cute kids and elderlies getting wowed. But now. Now he is nothing more than a self-glorifying showman. I hate showmanship, and this is showmanship at its worst. Its like saying "GATHER YE ROUND FOR A GIANT DEFYING TRICK WHERE I WILL HOP ON ONE FOOT FOR SOOOOOOOO LONG. LIKE REALLY REALLY LONG!" That is not a trick. And all the drama! Why do we care if he lives or dies? He's not Ghandi, starving himself for the freedom of an entire peoples! There's no cause here. Just Jesusification. He is gross.

Not to mention magician fashion.

Capricorn

2006-05-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): An old African proverb says that cattle are wealth, and there are no cattle without dung. This idea is applicable to you right now. The source of your greatest riches has produced some waste matter that needs to be cleaned up. Ironically, if you act expeditiously, the waste matter could be turned into more riches. Take a hint from the Masai people, who use cattle dung as plaster in building their homes. The scent helps keep lions, who dislike it, from venturing too close.

Ew, no thanks. Guess who else it keeps from venturing too close? Sooz. Sooz the Lion.

catclock

2006-05-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

Somebody please tell me how my cat knows its 5:30 a.m. every single morning. Apparently 5:30 is "breakfast time" and there is no end to the persistence. How does she know its 5:30? And why does it have to be exactly one hour before my alarm clock goes off anyway?

office shotz

2006-05-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

this is why this blog is called "hilarity ensues" instead of "i make hilarity." because its just all around us and sometimes all i want to do is report it.

Like today. As my cohorts and i lounged in the abandoned office at the corner of our floor, we noticed a big globby mess hanging, hanging, from the desk. it could be spit. it really could be. But judging from the crumpled up kleenexes in the garbage, i'm going to say its something much more "reproductive." Its just hanging on with too much vigor to be spit.

Comments Welcome

2006-05-12T08:24:00.000-07:00

I've finally enabled "anybody" to comment instead of just blogger bloggers! Oh glorious the day!

A really negative post about today

2006-05-11T12:08:00.000-07:00

This day is so gross. its just gray and gross and everybody is grumpy. also its only 3:00 which means two more hours of office hell.
This day is like a piece of poo at the bottom of a swimming pool and they've got to evacuate the whole pool just to get the poo out. but the poo is so soft from the water that it doesn't just come off with a shovel. You've got to scoop, and scrape and then spray and wipe. and its stinky the whole time.
Finally, when the poo is gone, your entire family arrives and is like "wait, WHY isn't the pool ready to swim in?" and you're like ITS NOT MY FAULT! and you decide to go to the store to get some hotdogs to tide everyone over while the pool is refilling.
But, you thought you knew where the store was and now you can't find it. Then you ask your boyfriend to get out the map but he refuses and he just keeps acting like he knows everything. But he doesn't and you end up driving around. Then you realize how badly you have to pee, and you realize you're so far away from a gas station that you're gonna have to do it on the side of the road. And its raining.
Then the cars won't stop passing. and you decide to just go, even though the cars are passing. So they start honking and your boyfriend is laughing and telling you to "hurry up" but 'hurry up' for what? why should you hurry up just to get back to a wild goose chase, when you don't even like hot dogs yourself?
then you get a call on your cell phone and your best friend is like crying or something but the phone cuts out because you're out of batteries. and your boyfriend is like "you really need a new cell phone" and you're like 'I KNOW!' and now you're hungry.
So you decide to go to KFC but when you get the buckets of chicken they all smell like seaweed, and the chicken is dry and the fried part is damp.
"what did they do, soak this motherfucking chicken in a lake?" you shout as you are driving with the windows open because they don't close after the traffic collision a couple months ago. and your boyfriend is now getting kind of scared of you because of the shouting.
then you get home and find out that the cute new little puppy has jumped into the pool and pooped in it again, and you have to get in there and scrape again. but you can't yell at the puppy because its so cute.
thats what this weather is like today.

PSA

2006-05-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

Public Service Announcement: Behavior guide targets 'the ugly American'

Happy Day o' Thine Birth, O seafaring maiden!

2006-05-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

Miss Gunyou was born on this day!

If I have the wherewithal (what a great word for meaning nothing; it means "if i don't slack off") I will probably sing you a little sea-shanty-esque birthday song on your voicemail.

Many happy regards!

AND A HUG!

I love you Em, and I hope you have a great day!

Quarterly Olfactory Report

2006-05-04T13:53:00.000-07:00

Quarterly Olfactory Report:--------------------------------------05/04/06
Implemented: Ariel F. Dumas, PhD

Scale: International Stinktron Scale (ISS) 1.0 - 5.0---------------------------------------

Wall (Cubicle) : Dusty, bookish. ISS 2.3
Wall (Wall): Plastic, "New Wallpaper Smell." ISS 1.7
Hard Drive (External): Hot, baking-plastic. ISS 2.8
Hard Drive (Internal): ACCESS DENIED
Phone (Desk): No detectable smell.
Mug (Coffee): Stale Coffee, Slightly Sweet. ISS 3.3
Chair (Desk): Fabric-y, Slightly Sweet. ISS 1.2
Intern (Joey): Sweaty, "Axe," Nervous. ISS 4.2
Microwave (Breakroom 11B): Exploded Calzone, also mold. ISS 4.9 (IMMEDIATE ATTENTION REQUIRED)

----------Professor Dumas report remains outstanding as we await the "Microwave Post Fish" ISS. Expect VP (Vomit Patrol).

Rumor Control

2006-05-03T11:39:00.000-07:00

I just found out there is a specific mail group at my company called rumorcontrol. LOL.

Subway Bulletins

2006-05-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

Its not a leaning post.

2006-04-25T06:49:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get the feeling construction workers are just improvising? Like if you pay attention to the machinery they "try out" on a certain roadspace, doesn't it seem like they're going "no this ones too big, this ones too small, Uh oh, we've got some water over here, lets bring in the hoses, Oh! um....cement. Can we get some guys with jackhammers in here, please? Wait, what's this? Oh, there's a LOT of mud in here! Let's get that really huge thing with the corkscrew to go in there and pull all the mud out! Oh we need to assemble the corkscrew? I guess we'll need a few electricians. Where's ConEd? Where's ConEd? HAS ANYBODY SEEN CONED? No? I guess they're not really "On it!" today."

Where the milk goes, Part Whatever

2006-04-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

It is quite possible that some of you (Dave, Donna, Emily, and Taylor) might remember a post from over a year ago, when my boss dared to ask the question, "Where does the milk go?"

Since that time we have moved to the other side of the floor, where we found a new fridge filled with tons of fresh milk. The milk gets thrown out far before its expiration date and new milk gets replaced. My boss said "hey, can you do that same thing you did last year to get them to bring less milk?"

But this year is different. Because this year I have this cube neighbor whom we'll call Coppa. He overheard my boss and piped in, very loudly "YEAH, WHATS THE DEAL WITH ALL THAT MILK?" and he said "DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP TABS ON IT AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON?"

Thus: The Milk Spreadsheet. Several weeks later, this is what Coppa came up with:

My favorite part is the "Swallow" column which means that only a swallow remains.
However, he has to re-do it because he didn't record the expiration dates, which is key.
Also, I told him I had expected pH levels.

Taylor has been trying to explain to his office-mates in Minnesota why we have a refrigerator full of milk. I swear its only for coffee. But I would love it if we were an office of mysteriously milk-obsessed, strong-boned, Children-of-the Corn types.

My office buddy Kerry suggested that next time Coppa goes in there to measure the milk, we follow him in there and start pouring big glasses of milk.

Luckily, Coppa is game for taking things too far, so I can expect a Powerpoint presentation soon. I hope it includes Cow .gifs!

Big Time

2006-04-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

I'm actually not a DMB fan.
Its just that if you look closely at this pic,
you can see my friend Abby in the background.
Gray shawl.

Also, she managed to give his suit a little feel.
Its purple corduroy in case thats not clear.

NYC followed me here

2006-04-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

I'm not trying to say that crazy shit doesn't happen in Mpls. But let me just tell this truthful tale. And you might catch my drift.

Last night at 4 a.m. I was woken by a drunk man running through the Longfellow Minneapolis neighborhood. His voice got louder and I realized he was approaching our house. He was screaming all kinds of things in Spanish. Just when I couldn't get more scared, he knocked on the door, shouting. Knocking and shouting. He moved on and we waited in the dark, as he screamed his way through the previously silent residential neighborhood.

About five minutes passed before we heard the neighbor calling the police.

"Uh yeah there's this Mexican guy running through the neighborhood ringing doorbells."

Nice.

In Case of Emergency

2006-04-10T08:37:00.000-07:00

I don’t like reading the ads on the subways. Especially the vacation ads. I’m sure it would be nice if my commute was along the shore in a golfcart, but its not ok? Those ads are just snarky and mean.

But today I noticed something even less satisfactory than the smell of Canal Street on a summer day. The MTA emergency instructions. Its four panels that show pictures of the 4 possible emergencies. (One of which is "police" by the way: "Help! There's about 50 police in here! With guns! Help!). The first instruction on every single one is "Do not pull the Emergency Brake." The second instruction is "Notify a train crew member." And the third is to follow the instructions of the train crew.

Okay. So in case of fire, medical, police or evacuation, NEVER pull the emergency brake. WHAT IS THE EMERGENCY BRAKE FOR? A fashion emergency? (Because I have seen PLENTY of those.)

The only thing we’re allowed to do, if we are sick, bleeding, held hostage, or in flames, is run (tripping, burning, and puking) through the train cars trying to FIND a train crew member. Even if the train crew members were moseying around the train offering us beverages and hot towels, this would still be a terrible plan. But instead the train crew is located in two cars: front, back and sometimes middle. If I’m on the train, bleeding and extinguishing burning children with my Poland Springs, I’m not going to know which direction the middle of the train is. And if I get there and find no train crew member, do I just keep going, dragging the burning corpses, to the front of the train?

Well, there MUST be some other way to notify a train crew member! A button, a cord? No. Just the EMERGENCY BRAKE. And you can’t use that. Its for emergencies.

Let’s say I find a train crew member who has not yet been taken hostage by the terrorists. What do I say? "The train is on fire!" Then are they just going to pull the emergency brake? Is it their expert eyes that will determine whether this is indeed an emergency? Is that why? Only they can say, after leaving an unconducted train hurling throught the tunnels, “Yes indeed, you guys are choking on anthrax. Ok, let’s pull the brake- No! No! Not YOU! You don’t have the magic touch! Allow me.”

Also, who designed an emergency brake that seemingly does more damage than the initial emergency? This brake shouldn’t even be offered to us, if its so dangerous.

Guess what I’m gonna do in case of an emergency? Pull that brake like my life depends on it. Because it does.

One More Thing
“Poetry in Motion” sucks. But the worst idea I have seen from Poetry in Motion is to put this poem above our heads as we cart to and from the office, reeling towards probable Death by Emergency Brake or Death by Police:

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
~From Macbeth

Superheroes Are Real

2006-04-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

A few weekends ago I was walking along in Park Slope Bklyn. “What a beautiful little neighborhood,” I thought to myself, admiring the coffee shops, children’s clothing stores, and taco stands. Suddenly a storefront caught my eye like no other storefront has. The following is a true story. (Spoiler prevention alert: If you’ve already heard of this, then you are more hip than me, but it was still the most magical day of my life.)

The store said “Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co.” I felt like Harry Potter. Could other people see this? Was my life finally going to really begin? All the other things were just a preparation for this, my initiation into the world of superheroes. It was real. I knew it wasn’t real, but what if it was real? I didn’t want to risk not being included in the superhero world, just because of cynicism or “common sense.” As I walked in, eyes agape, I was fully prepared to find either a big joke, or a portal to The Real Sooz: Life Part 2.

The store was filled with Costumes, Bottles of Chaos, Speed of Light, Invisibility. There was a cage to test levels of evil. This is just the tip of the iceberg. My thoughts were going: “Gag gifts- for kids- Do they work?-joke store- mean joke- What-if-its real?” I stared. There was a guy working there. I said “is this?—I didn’t know there was one of….these stores.” I didn’t want him to think I was too green. Like in case it was real, I wanted to make sure I didn’t appear too human. Like if I had to, I could be like “yes, I’ll need some new heavyduty gloves and Globcatcher, oh and by the way, when is the next meeting again?”

“Is this the only one of these?” I stammered.

“Like, in the world?” He was smiling.

“Yeah. In the world.”

And he said “kind of.” !!!!!!!!!!

After many more confusing questions, he finally opened up a little more. He said “Do you want to see what we really do here? This is sort of a front.”

Um….YES.

And he motions for me to follow him to the back of the store, where he OPENS A REVOLVING BOOKCASE. Inside the back room is like a kids reading room. There are shelves of books, maps, globes. It is essentially an after-school tutoring program. The revenues from the superhero supplies go to fund this nonprofit. And this way the kids feel special about going into the superhero store and going through the secret bookcase. It turns out there are more of these (A pirate store, a monster’s den) and they were started by Dave Eggers and the McSweeney’s people. Oh Eggers, why do you have to be so good? You are dreamy! These are those drunken ideas normal people have and then they go “yeah right, that’ll never happen” but he MAKES IT HAPPEN.

So Dave, Mr. Eggers, here’s my idea: GRAPHIC NOVEL MURAL IN A HOUSE. Its like telling a visual story on the walls of a house. Kids do the painting and planning. Then you charge a little money for admission to it (like a museum) and the proceeds go to kids arts scholarships.

SUPERHEROES? I haven't felt so happy in a really long time. But I have to admit I was a little bit disappointed that it wasn't real. I mean I know science doesn't permit.....but.....doesn't it? couldn't it? We've got to find a way.....

I bought some stuff. And took the oath to always use my powers for good.

Goldie

2006-03-28T13:06:00.000-08:00

Goldie is the name of the landlady at my new apartment. When I called I expected her to sound sort of like a grandma-who-cooks-for-you, but instead she's about 14. I didn't know 14 year-olds could sell apartments, but I guess they can.

Me and Sebastian made up a new game last night. Our old one "Strangers on the Train" is still very fun too. It involves pretending we're strangers sitting next to each other and then doing weird things that would scare a stranger, like meowing, acting like a zombie, or asking the stranger for some "Crack" in a very Grey-Poupon voice. The new game is "You're my boss," and its just practicing awful ways for a boss to greet a chipper employee in the morning. IE:

Me: Hello Rick!
Seb: (slowly turning his head, lowering eyebrows, shaking head, looking away.)

or~

Seb: Good Morning, Cheryl!
Me: (wiping tears away) What? What do you WANT?

Now I suppose some people would call these theater games, and those people would be right.

Note: that last link happens to be an illustration of a zombie fighter, which isn't exactly a zombie trainer, but is still impressive.

Strong Wind

2006-03-23T10:25:00.000-08:00

Movie Preview

DEEP MALE VOICE
From the people who brought you…
Hard Rain! And Dark Water! Comes…
Strong Wind!

Visuals of broken, abandoned umbrellas strewn about the sidewalk, people battling the wind in NYC, their umbrellas bent. One man is not even walking, just bending forward, perfectly still.

SCENE:
Man enters with his coat in great disarray. His wife is waiting for him and he slams the door against the gale and holds her close.

MAN
(melodramatically)
That’s some really strong wind!

WIFE
(melodramatically)
I know. Its really blowing out there.

SCENE:
A man (MAN 2) outside in the wind is shouting into his walkie talkie

MAN 2
Branch Down! Branch Down!

Camera pulls away and we see that it is a branch the size of a golf club.

ETC.