great moments in employment when I have thought to myself "How did I get here?"

The State Disability Clinic
When the 10-yr old "ADD" kid was kicking the glass door and screaming "No!" at me and his grandmother started to have an asthma attack so I called 911 for both of them. I called 911 twice a week on average, but this time was memorable.

Pre-K Tutor
When I found out that Marc-Anthony, who cried all the time, had glasses he should have been wearing all along. (I noticed because he was cutting his snowman shapes 1 inch from his eyes.) I asked him why he didn't wear the glasses and he said they were ugly and stupid. I asked him why he thought that. He cried some more. So I took him in the bathroom and we spent time in front of the mirror talking about how cool glasses are. I felt a lot like Marlo Thomas. I also will always remember the day four of them peed their pants in canon.

La Cocina
When the owner, George, performed Reiki on my bloody heel, after slapping a towel of tequila on it. Then he told me to look at the photograph on the wall of a group of people holding their hands up to the camera. "Reiki camp?" I thought. No. I was later informed that they were "The Force" and no further explanation was offered, simply the question "Do you believe?"

Drama Counselor at A Certain Orthodox Jewish Sports Camp
The whole thing. Perhaps most respectfully the moment when I dared to ask "Why can't Adelaide sit on Nathan Detroit's lap?" and the camp director came whizzing down the hill on his golfcart to reiterate some rules. (Second place goes to the time I flipped my lid b/c the spoiled brats wouldn't quiet down to play some theater games, so I marched back to my cabin to get "Franny and Zooey" and just started reading it to them through tears. They booed me.)

Ice Cream Cafe/Coffee Shop
This lady was like "Miss, there's no milk left in this pitcher." I said "Oh I just filled it; try loosening the lid." She thought I was getting fresh with her so she said "Oh really? You're telling me there is milk in here?" I said "Well, I just filled it, but if you want to hand it to me, I'll check it out." She refused and got this very sad face on. She took a sort of performative stance, with pitcher held high over her head, and repeated, "Are you telling me there is definitely milk in this pitcher?" I slowly said yeeeees, eyes wide. She turned the pitcher upside down and poured a gallon of milk all over the floor.

Current Corporation
When somebody said the amount $800 million in all seriousness in a meeting. And I looked out the window of the 38th floor at the giant 'W' billboard with all of Manhattan "at my feet" and I was like "whaaaaaat?"

googlism.com

sooz is....

sooz is a gentle and vigorous soul
sooz is a website for individually hand created products
sooz is an art & craft gallery based in sidmouth devon and specialises in unique individual art pieces which it supplies to individuals like you
sooz is touring to british columbia in september
sooz is your host and moderator
sooz is a wife and mother of two beautiful daughters as well as a stay at home mom
sooz is neat
sooz is ever easy
sooz is increasingly in demand for performances across the country
sooz is 58 wah wah
sooz is saving up for the white jeweled suit with added foam paunch
sooz is not pregnant
sooz is shocked to get a taste of her own medicine when she finds out seb is in hospital
sooz is the large room itself
sooz is the connecting force between people and ideas
sooz is the one who scrares sasha and nicki because shes different
sooz is the 'odd ball' of the group
sooz is increasingly in demand for performances at schools
sooz is depressed and goes to her place to check she is okay ? she tells him she is okay and he promises her that he will always be there for her
sooz is mad that jamie keeps on lying to her about seeing gabi
sooz is not into it
sooz is cool
sooz is a bit ?other?
sooz is touring to the vancouver fringe
sooz is the pen name of soozi urang
sooz is leaving
sooz is our queen on dt
sooz is here to honestly help you
sooz is that person waddling??
sooz is a wallaby? nandi is a panda emma
sooz is probably the only
sooz is on
sooz is from nebraska and they always crush everyone
sooz is now serving trick
sooz is on form and fragging fluently
sooz is beginning to compile recipes for her "fiat brunch" cookbook for the auction
sooz is a bitch
sooz is creating
sooz is complaining
sooz is a one
sooz is friends with aretha franklin's back
sooz is definitely ready for a nap
sooz is already talking about our decorating masks of our own faces at that time
sooz is the #1 thin handsome smoker backer
sooz is in 1983 deel uit gaan maken van het integraal kankercentrum zuid
sooz is the entrance to the medina

BRAAAAAAINS

What do we want? Brains!
When do we want 'em? Brains!

uh oh, is she ILL?

Then last night Pye rushed into the bathroom ahead of me and sat on the seat, peeing away. I waited until she finished to take my turn, even if she is a nasty line-cutter, but when she finished she just sat there rigidly, almost meditatively. I asked her politely to move. When she didn't I went to pick her up and she emitted a low growl. She thinks the toilet is the seat of power. And is she wrong?

Very Good News

Why am I so happy this morning?

Last night, as I was leaning over the sink, examining my skin, I heard Pye come into the bathroom behind me. She sat on the toilet seat, as she often does. I said "HELLO MY BABY" and got up in her grill for a second. But then I returned to my mirror, unfettered.

Then, in the silence of the night, I heard a slight, yet definite trickle. At first I didn't believe what I was hearing. Then my mouth slowly dropped open, imploring my wide-eyed reflection to be the secondary witness to what was surely happening behind me.

I slowly turned, afraid- so afraid!- that this moment would prove to be unreal. But no. Pye was sitting on the toilet seat, her back to me, facing the wall, peeing into the toilet.

I started weeping and hyperventilating at the same time. When she was finished, I congratulated her, hugging her and laughing with sheer disbelief and joy.

Did her previous owner train her to do this? Or (and I really hope this is the explanation)..... DID SHE TEACH HERSELF FROM HUMAN OBSERVATION?

(fyi- if there is anybody out there who doesn't read this blog regularly, PYE IS MY CAT.)

memo: implementation

I would like to implement "watercooler" as a verb. Please advise re: future implementation possibilities. I have included an assortment of current applications:

1. Let's watercooler this later. (replacing "roundtable" and "powwow")
2. I'm gonna have to watercooler with my team. ("consult")
3. I'll watercooler it to you. ("send")
4. Let's watercooler. ("have sex")

As a noun:

1. Can we get a watercooler on that report? ("estimate" or "timeframe")
2. Whose watercooler? Our watercooler! ("streets")

And as an adjective:

1. How very watercooler of you. ("kind" or "presumptuous")
2. This joint is watercooler! ("bumpin'")
3. I want to lick Dermot Mulroney's watercooler lips. ("luscious")

I was just sitting here thinking how true it is that "The world is a vampire."