jury duty

Yesterday I had jury duty. You can't really leave because if they call your name and you miss it, they embarrass you in front of everybody by treating you like an idiot.

First I watched a video starring people dressed like this. Because in the olden days, trials were decided by whether someone drowned or not. Those fools

So I had to get some coffee and they announced that the coffee machine was in the lounge. There was a line of 14 people when I got there. Most of the people were over sixty and had some real trouble with the machine. Everybody was gathering around and helping eachother:
"No, thats two sugars, thats the "milk" button." By the time I had helped four old ladies buy coffee, I knew how the machine worked and I knew what I was getting. No problem.

Mocha.
I knew how it was supposed to work.
Cup drops down, coffee fills, wait for the light, open the door.

Nope. I guess the machine was out of cups. Because all i saw was mocha stream. Mocha pissing into nothing. One dollar of mocha nothing.

And then, the mocha started to stream out of the machine, flooding the floor all around my feet. An innocent lady behind me, like a disney character, said "isn't a cup supposed to drop down?"

"Yes," I said. "Yes it is."

The machine was bleeding. The mocha approached my feet. A law clerk walked over and I said, "excuse me sir, this machine seems to be broken." He said "I'm not facilities." I said, "can you call facilities?" And he said (very annoyed) "I can when I reach a phone." Thank you sir. Thank you.

And when I went over in an hour, there was a sign that said "Out of Order." I'll say.

Abrasive tunes

While getting coffee this morning I was bombarded by THE WORST music I have ever heard. It sounded like somebody was trying to sing a bad song. Like when one of your friends is doing an impression of somebody who is always off key and they also don't particularly like the person, so they actually end up acting a bit like Rosie O'Donnell in "Riding the Bus With My Sister."
You know the part of the Jackson 5 Christmas song "Santa Claus is coming to town" where it sounds like a broken record because they just keep going "saaaaaaanta claus is comin to ta-oon" over and over again? You may associate it with the time you were shopping in K-Mart for Freesia scented shower gel because its your Michigan cousins' favorite scent. Every time you hear it you probably wonder if there is a problem with the CD. But thats just how the song goes. Regardless, it sounds WAY better in Michael's tiny little voice, and at that unusual quick pace. It still feels like getting beaten by a blunt object, but at least the beating is quick and accurate. In the case of this morning's remake, the voice was that of some male rocker. Don't know who. He is drawing out that Saaaaaanta part and (I DON'T KNOW!) Trying to riff? Like not just holding out one note (which was bad), but exploring the musical scale within that flat little a sound. And then scraping his voice, like he thought he was Tom Waits. He wasn't. This, as opposed to the quick blunt-object-beating of the Jacksons' version, felt like somebody was taking that same bat (I picture a splintered, bloody, wooden club) and grinding first my finger, than scraping my face, then deciding to wallop my booty, twisting into my nose until it breaks, and then giving the bloody wound a few splinters for good measure.
It reminded me of the new McDonalds commercial where they sing "I'm Ronald McDonald and I'm lov-ing-it!" And its all one note and they definitely focus on pronouncing "lovING" which is a curious departure from their previous "lovin' it." I can just picture the ad meeting.

Bill: But what about Ronald? I don't know why we ever let go of that.
(Miranda looks at Tim with eyes rolled. Bill never lets "Ronald" go)
Tim: Well, how do you propose we bring him back?
Miranda: I really don't want to lose the "I'm lovin' it." Its so "now."
Bill: We don't have to lose that! We just combine the two. My friend Jojo is a composer, I'll have him come in and work something up.
(Jojo enters in a flowery hat and a carry-keyboard and hits one key, over and over and over again, dancing like Rosie O'Donnell in Riding the Bus With my Sister.)

Bravo

This article says it all

Ever had a day where you felt a little bit like this?

I should be asleep

Every morning I set my alarm for 45 minutes before I absolutely have to wake up, because it takes me at least 6 presses of the snooze button to realize it is morning time. (I usually don't even know what is going on: Who am I, where am I, who are these munchkins, etc.) But this morning was different. I was totally aware that I had two options. They were: Get up and go to work, or stay in bed and find the answers to this dream. I weighed it in my head, like that time my Asian Theater Studies teacher asked me if there was something in the paper I would like to share with the class, since I had the Times spread out on my desk. I had to really think about it, because I knew that if everybody in that class read the article I was reading, they would learn more than what they might learn in her whole semester. I considered the Christian Slater route of rebellion but took the polite route, and folded my paper, apologizing.
This morning I thought to myself, “The information you are going to gather in this dream is way more important than getting to work on time.” And now I can't remember the dream. I think there was some answer I was after, and the characters had the answers, and if I could stay in their world a little longer, I would understand. I think it had something to do with a curiosity I’ve had in waking life, where I suddenly wonder why I experience the world through THIS life and THIS body and THIS point of view. And then I get a little sad and also a little alienated, because no matter what I do, I will only experience the world through THESE eyes. And then I inevitably go “who AM I, anyways?” I think THIS was the answer I was about to get in the dream. I woke up and turned off the alarm and got in the shower.
Then things really started to go wrong. All my nylons had runs in them. There were no empty seats on the train, which means starting the day standing in heels for forty minutes, rocking back and forth, and feeling the V8 juice and Nyquil sloshing around in my stomach. Then the train was delayed in Brooklyn for 15 minutes. I stood in my heels in front of three giant, overweight men who took up the whole 10-seat bench. When I got to work 15 minutes late, I headed downstairs for a coffee and bagel, only to return upstairs and find a glob of cream cheese right in the hole of the bagel that was supposed to have only butter on it. And now all of our computers are down. “Mayday, Mayday!” I shouted into the phone at my friend, laughing at this point. He informed me that everybody in his building thinks the computer trouble means they’re getting fired. And that the older woman in their office, who they call “Grandma” is stuffing her face with BBQ potato chips at 10 a.m.. Meanwhile, my neighbor, who talks LOUDLY all the time, took the opportunity to call his wife and WHISPER “I love you” and “shhh” to her. Of all the things to whisper! I was just shocked that he was whispering at all. This is the guy that SHOUTS “GOD BLESS YOU!” to a sneezer who sits 20 cubicles away.
So I’m convinced that I should have been asleep this whole time, finding the answers to life’s biggest questions. Who knows, if I were asleep, I might just be immortal by now. Like Duncan McLeod the Highlander. And then he could also be my boyfriend. FOREVER.

HAHAHAHAHA

Episode 2

When I posted about this article the first time, I spent a lot of time cutting and pasting...

I like parallel structure.

Pye is...my cat

Googlism

pye is now involved
pye is a fat little man
pye is available for holiday events
pye is convinced that people are basically good
pye is the best mystery story involving dogs ever to be written
pye is honored to have received the "keepers of the stars award" from the truly fascinating site of "diabella loves cats"
pye is certainly not him
pye is concerned— and an obvious extension
pye is immediate past president of the international commission on glass
pye is making five previous novels and three optioned movie scripts available to the public
pye is risking his reputation on a wonderfully bizarre hypothesis
pye is professor of the study of religions
pye is approached by the peter cook appreciation society to organise a tribute evening at their 2nd annual meeting
pye is all right
pye is a really tall wildflower that seeds itself freely
pye is past chair of the colchester regional hospital foundation and a board member of the general motors dealer training advisory board
pye is an accomplished carver
pye is an experienced carver
pye is making money selling content over the internet
pye is a scientist
pye is registered with coloured horse society chaps
pye is senior vice president of telemac corporation and has been involved with the prepaid cellular industry since its inception
pye is mine?" my parents nodded
pye is assisted in the classroom by anita honwinewa
pye is the director of career services at triton college
pye is an english member of the wilpf and actually finds that the campaign is having some success in her home country
pye is known all over town for her acts of brilliance
pye is one of the authors
pye is performing
pye is jerry's pet
pye is an outstanding garden plant
pye is an independent health care consultant
pye is cat and small animal friendly
pye is a principal consultant who has extensive experience in business and information technology roles
pye is part of a new wave of leadership in desert hot springs
pye is fitted
pye is entirely misleading if not utterly incorrect
pye is the school director for millie lewis models and talent agency
pye is one of ireland's leading religious artists
pye is professor of political science
pye is survived by another son
pye is a parameter
pye is fun and happy
pye is a unique creation individualized by the artist's touch
pye is a pale pinkish purple
pye is one of the leading american asianists of the twentieth century
pye is married to nancy pye
pye is a bit of a publicity hound
pye is successfully described by only one parameter
pye is one of those books that you have to judge by it's cover
pye is relieved to find he is still in lord flamborough's good books but becomes distracted by the annual village cricket
pye is a fine musician and kjeld brandt on clarinet played with a soft and beautiful vibrato
pye is working on ways in which involvement with schools work can be made less time consuming so that more people can become involved in this rewarding activity
pye is no longer commuting
pye is credited with being the discoverer of the district
pye is the author of "everything you know is wrong”
pye is a new york based renaissance music band
pye is the first cat
pye is a 8 year veteran of the canadian bobsleigh team having the positions of brakeman and or crewman
pye is the glory of the late summer garden
pye is taken from that work
pye is appointed business representative to replace tony from his old position
pye is more reserved
pye is the shooter
pye is a former military intelligence agent turned writer who in the late 1970’s became friends with john draper
pye is a composer
pye is a superb carver and teacher
pye is a strong junior noted for her pragmatism
pye is a writer in minneapolis

What I just did

While passing a conference room (in use) I noticed some very small figures playing on some very precarious scaffolding outside the window. Thinking them to be children (because they were very small!) 20 stories high, I rushed into the conference, saying "I don't think those kids should be playing on that!" as if I were about to dial 911. They all looked out the window.
"Those are adults."
"Are you sure?" I looked closer.
They were. They just looked small because they were far away. And they were hammering things. Workers.
"Oh. Carry on. My apologies," and I backed out of the room.

If I can escalate drama in my head that much, then I have a feeling this IS the perfect man for me. He is tender and morose! And doesn't care that I'm poor, okay?

All I gotta say is

I need a freaking vacation. That's it. Nothing hilarious. Nothing unbelievable.

You know how being unamazing can be so depressing? Like, "ok here I am on this subway. Again." And "wow, which flavor of coffee should I squirt into the mug today?"

Also, I am dissatisfied with myself for never having rioted. Ever.

And also I don't like the way certain orthodox Jewish males look at me. It is really not my fault. Whatever it is, could they stop looking at me like that? I know I have fake blonde hair and I wear pants, but I am really not so bad on the inside!

I would like to write a letter to Donald Trump asking him for one goddamn gold candlestick. Just one. I would melt it, make myself a toof, and give the rest to a charity.

I don't like the ads on the subway that make fun of us for having to stand. That is just mean. Courvoisier, those yellow phone books, Sex and the City DVD collection, and Manhattan Mini Storage. Its not cute. Its not funny. It just makes me hate their product.

When I was young, lots of doctors and nurses had to hold me down to give me the shots. Now I like to calmly watch the needle go in. Whats THAT all about?

Troubled Maker of Heart Devices May Lose Suitor

Original Article: NYTIMES

My edits (in italics) to fit the hintiness of the headline:

Bruce yesterday threatened to abandon his plan to acquire Samantha, a troubled heart, setting the stage for a dramatic and tearful confrontation between the two over the relationship.
The development is a stunning reversal for a deal that was applauded when it was announced in December as both a handsome payoff for Samantha and a way for Bruce to enter the fast-growing market of bachelors.
But along the way, Samantha, the nation's second-most-popular girl, found herself ensnared by safety issues and product recalls that appeared to spin out of control.
Samantha disclosed in late May, for example, that one of her previous boyfriends had repeatedly failed because of an electrical flaw. That led to regulatory scrutiny, a string of product recalls, and most recently, a Department of Justice investigation.
In a statement yesterday, Bruce, who is based in New Brunswick, N.J., said he believed that the recalls and federal investigations had materially affected Samantha's "short-term results and long-term outlook."
Samantha, based in Indianapolis, responded that any effect from the recalls would be short term, adding that Bruce was legally obligated to complete the deal by tomorrow, as originally negotiated.
Samantha's problems also grew more complex yesterday as Scott, an x, accused her of fraud in connection with sales of a heart that short-circuited in some cases. The lawsuit is seeking to force Samantha to disclose device-malfunction data and disgorge profits from sales of the heart.
The deal's breakdown could present a challenge to Bruce's strategy of growth by acquisition. Both Samantha and Bruce did not rule out continuing talks, but with the original deal valued at a lot, any new agreement would depend on the two sides seeing eye to eye on lower expectations. People involved in those talks described the latest moves by the couple as a high-stakes game of "chicken," with neither particularly interested in walking away just yet.
But these people suggested that a gap remained between the price Bruce was now willing to pay and the price Samantha was willing to accept.
"They are playing chicken, and right now it appears that Bruce has the upper hand," said Joanne, a friend of a friend.
The centerpiece of any future fight between the two will revolve around a single but complex issue - whether Samantha's product recalls and related events have had a materially negative impact on her future sales and profits. And not surprisingly, both people yesterday staked out their positions.
In his statement, Bruce, said he believed that developments had clouded Samantha's prospects. For her part, Samantha characterized those effects as "normal."
Courts have found that a significant negative impact must extend beyond the normal to qualify as grounds for terminating a contract. In 2001, a Delaware court ruled that Rick was not justified in terminating his merger deal with Christina, a beef processor, after Rick contended that undisclosed problems rendered the deal invalid.
"We believe that the fundamentals of Samantha are strong and she has attractive prospects for growth," Carrie, Samantha's best friend, said in a statement.

Bruce announced his plan to date Samantha in mid-December, with the deal representing his biggest acquisition by far. The move represented a decision by Bruce to move into the market for actively dating bachelors (ADB), a field that is rapidly growing because of an aging population.
Bachelors send out an electrical charge to disrupt a potentially fatal heart rhythm; datelessness controls a heart that is beating too fast or too slowly.
Until recently, the deal was on track with both sides anticipating that it would close in September or October. But in late May, Samantha disclosed that she had an electrical flaw that had caused her to short-circuit and fail in about two dozen cases.
Samantha's disclosure came as The New York Times published an article about her problems, which are known as bitterness, including its possible role in the death of a college student this year.
All people recall products or have product failures. But Samantha quickly found herself at the center of a broader debate over how and when problems should be disclosed. And rather than seeking to put the issue behind herself quickly, appeared to fumble.
"In retrospect, she clearly underestimated the intolerance for severe events no matter how rare they are," said Dr. Love, an industry analyst with Love.com. "That was her fundamental mistake."
After fixing the device in 2002, Samantha continued to obsess over older models out of her inventory.
"We would not permit this type of conduct in connection with the sale of cars or washing machines," said Bruce's mom. Late yesterday, a friend of Samantha's, Sarah, said Samantha's policy was not to comment on litigation. But Samantha has said repeatedly that she has done nothing wrong.
At a recent party, Samantha also said that she planned to release more detailed data to boyfriends, but she has declined to say when she will begin disclosing that data.

great moments in employment when I have thought to myself "How did I get here?"

The State Disability Clinic
When the 10-yr old "ADD" kid was kicking the glass door and screaming "No!" at me and his grandmother started to have an asthma attack so I called 911 for both of them. I called 911 twice a week on average, but this time was memorable.

Pre-K Tutor
When I found out that Marc-Anthony, who cried all the time, had glasses he should have been wearing all along. (I noticed because he was cutting his snowman shapes 1 inch from his eyes.) I asked him why he didn't wear the glasses and he said they were ugly and stupid. I asked him why he thought that. He cried some more. So I took him in the bathroom and we spent time in front of the mirror talking about how cool glasses are. I felt a lot like Marlo Thomas. I also will always remember the day four of them peed their pants in canon.

La Cocina
When the owner, George, performed Reiki on my bloody heel, after slapping a towel of tequila on it. Then he told me to look at the photograph on the wall of a group of people holding their hands up to the camera. "Reiki camp?" I thought. No. I was later informed that they were "The Force" and no further explanation was offered, simply the question "Do you believe?"

Drama Counselor at A Certain Orthodox Jewish Sports Camp
The whole thing. Perhaps most respectfully the moment when I dared to ask "Why can't Adelaide sit on Nathan Detroit's lap?" and the camp director came whizzing down the hill on his golfcart to reiterate some rules. (Second place goes to the time I flipped my lid b/c the spoiled brats wouldn't quiet down to play some theater games, so I marched back to my cabin to get "Franny and Zooey" and just started reading it to them through tears. They booed me.)

Ice Cream Cafe/Coffee Shop
This lady was like "Miss, there's no milk left in this pitcher." I said "Oh I just filled it; try loosening the lid." She thought I was getting fresh with her so she said "Oh really? You're telling me there is milk in here?" I said "Well, I just filled it, but if you want to hand it to me, I'll check it out." She refused and got this very sad face on. She took a sort of performative stance, with pitcher held high over her head, and repeated, "Are you telling me there is definitely milk in this pitcher?" I slowly said yeeeees, eyes wide. She turned the pitcher upside down and poured a gallon of milk all over the floor.

Current Corporation
When somebody said the amount $800 million in all seriousness in a meeting. And I looked out the window of the 38th floor at the giant 'W' billboard with all of Manhattan "at my feet" and I was like "whaaaaaat?"

googlism.com

sooz is....

sooz is a gentle and vigorous soul
sooz is a website for individually hand created products
sooz is an art & craft gallery based in sidmouth devon and specialises in unique individual art pieces which it supplies to individuals like you
sooz is touring to british columbia in september
sooz is your host and moderator
sooz is a wife and mother of two beautiful daughters as well as a stay at home mom
sooz is neat
sooz is ever easy
sooz is increasingly in demand for performances across the country
sooz is 58 wah wah
sooz is saving up for the white jeweled suit with added foam paunch
sooz is not pregnant
sooz is shocked to get a taste of her own medicine when she finds out seb is in hospital
sooz is the large room itself
sooz is the connecting force between people and ideas
sooz is the one who scrares sasha and nicki because shes different
sooz is the 'odd ball' of the group
sooz is increasingly in demand for performances at schools
sooz is depressed and goes to her place to check she is okay ? she tells him she is okay and he promises her that he will always be there for her
sooz is mad that jamie keeps on lying to her about seeing gabi
sooz is not into it
sooz is cool
sooz is a bit ?other?
sooz is touring to the vancouver fringe
sooz is the pen name of soozi urang
sooz is leaving
sooz is our queen on dt
sooz is here to honestly help you
sooz is that person waddling??
sooz is a wallaby? nandi is a panda emma
sooz is probably the only
sooz is on
sooz is from nebraska and they always crush everyone
sooz is now serving trick
sooz is on form and fragging fluently
sooz is beginning to compile recipes for her "fiat brunch" cookbook for the auction
sooz is a bitch
sooz is creating
sooz is complaining
sooz is a one
sooz is friends with aretha franklin's back
sooz is definitely ready for a nap
sooz is already talking about our decorating masks of our own faces at that time
sooz is the #1 thin handsome smoker backer
sooz is in 1983 deel uit gaan maken van het integraal kankercentrum zuid
sooz is the entrance to the medina

BRAAAAAAINS

What do we want? Brains!
When do we want 'em? Brains!

uh oh, is she ILL?

Then last night Pye rushed into the bathroom ahead of me and sat on the seat, peeing away. I waited until she finished to take my turn, even if she is a nasty line-cutter, but when she finished she just sat there rigidly, almost meditatively. I asked her politely to move. When she didn't I went to pick her up and she emitted a low growl. She thinks the toilet is the seat of power. And is she wrong?

Very Good News

Why am I so happy this morning?

Last night, as I was leaning over the sink, examining my skin, I heard Pye come into the bathroom behind me. She sat on the toilet seat, as she often does. I said "HELLO MY BABY" and got up in her grill for a second. But then I returned to my mirror, unfettered.

Then, in the silence of the night, I heard a slight, yet definite trickle. At first I didn't believe what I was hearing. Then my mouth slowly dropped open, imploring my wide-eyed reflection to be the secondary witness to what was surely happening behind me.

I slowly turned, afraid- so afraid!- that this moment would prove to be unreal. But no. Pye was sitting on the toilet seat, her back to me, facing the wall, peeing into the toilet.

I started weeping and hyperventilating at the same time. When she was finished, I congratulated her, hugging her and laughing with sheer disbelief and joy.

Did her previous owner train her to do this? Or (and I really hope this is the explanation)..... DID SHE TEACH HERSELF FROM HUMAN OBSERVATION?

(fyi- if there is anybody out there who doesn't read this blog regularly, PYE IS MY CAT.)

memo: implementation

I would like to implement "watercooler" as a verb. Please advise re: future implementation possibilities. I have included an assortment of current applications:

1. Let's watercooler this later. (replacing "roundtable" and "powwow")
2. I'm gonna have to watercooler with my team. ("consult")
3. I'll watercooler it to you. ("send")
4. Let's watercooler. ("have sex")

As a noun:

1. Can we get a watercooler on that report? ("estimate" or "timeframe")
2. Whose watercooler? Our watercooler! ("streets")

And as an adjective:

1. How very watercooler of you. ("kind" or "presumptuous")
2. This joint is watercooler! ("bumpin'")
3. I want to lick Dermot Mulroney's watercooler lips. ("luscious")

I was just sitting here thinking how true it is that "The world is a vampire."

The smartest man alive

There is so much here, I don't know where to begin.

For Starters: "To Conserve Gas, President Calls for Less Driving"

------Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?
A) I don't even see how driving and gas are RELATED, Mr. President
B) I really hope he came up with this policy himself.
C) I hope when he said this, he had that proud face on that said "Its that simple, people. Thats all we have to do and this big bad nightmare will go away. Doubters use gas. Period."

A little further into the article he says, "if Americans are able to avoid going on a trip that's not essential, that would be helpful."
----Hmmmmmm. A trip thats not essential. I can't think of anybody who may have been doing that recently. Not anybody.

Followed by another GREAT idea:
"to continue relaxing environmental and transportation rules in an effort to get more gasoline flowing."
----Yeah I think we could use an oil spill. Not enough disasters to deal with quite yet.

I know this blog entry has basically been me taking the easiest, most sarcastic shots at the most obvious holes in this baleful, pathetic appeal. But does he really think we live in the kind of non-nuclear, WWII era where Tin-Can-Conservation is going to actually make a difference in our public welfare and economic stability?

I do wonder if those military planes in Iraq use any gas. I wonder.

Ode to Hook

This movie slays me. Tears. Tears down the sides of my face. From the moment the music starts and then they go to London and Toodles has lost his marbles. And then don't even get me started on Grandma Wendy standing on the stairs: "Hello, boy."
And did I mention the music? If tears SOUNDED like something it would be that theme that plays throughout the whole movie.

Oh Jeezus, here are just a few other highlights:
1. Tinkerbell admitting she's been in love with Peter all along.
2. "You ARE the Pan!" with that freaking adorable smile.
3. Why am I still attracted to Rufio?
4. "That was a great game"
5. "You need a mommy very very badly!"
6. That scene where Jack is smashing all the clocks and crying.
7. Maggie singing the lullaby and all the pirates crying.
8. When Peter finds his happy thawt and its being a daddy.
9. That scene where the mermaids french-kiss Peter.

Next week? Either "Father of the Bride" or "Muppets Christmas Carol"

Fulla

Fulla
I love when it seems like a whole social analysis could be based on the wishes and desires of a bunch of little girls. I'm being serious. It isn't that parents are weak. It isn't that little girls are spoiled. It is only that there is something in the nature of a certain age of girl, something that gets exploited and turned into consumerism. But before it is about having possessions, it is this sort of insistence and hunger. They shamelessly become the most powerful voice in the family. And the way they conglomerate and agree with each other! If I needed militants for a revolution, I would definitely start with 9 year-old-girls.

I don't know about you all, but a major part of having a Barbie and Ken was making them have sex. And I'm not just talking about mashing their bodies together. I'm talking about using that slightly cupped palm of hers on his little orange bump. I'm talking about different positions, ya'll. Slow and romantic.

So...if I had a Fulla, it would just up the anty. I would be all "how does Ken get Fulla to raise her ankle-length abaya?" Or, "If they were having tea together, discussing respectable values, and she leaned slightly over him, and her head scarf fell off a little bit, and he saw some of her jet-black hair, and he reached out to touch it, but stopped his hand when he caught her looking at his orange nub..." etc.