Today I was going up the subway stairs behind this gigantic lady. A little 7-year old boy was trying to go down the stairs and he politely said "excuse me" as he tried to fit btwn her and the wall.
She body checked him. Luckily he fell against the wall instead of the floor. She walked on, looking totally satisfied with herself.
Body-checked. Purposeful, not even the kind where the soccer players are kind of after the ball and kind of after blood. Just the blood kind.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
sign
We've been having some trouble with our toilet's flusher. I'm going to make a sign like this:
"To flush, hold down handle. No really, keep holding. Think you're done? You're not. See that slight tremor in the water? That's a good sign. You're on the right track. But don't stop holding. You've got a long way to go. Once you hear a slight rumbling, way down below, that means you're about halfway there. Don't let go! Don't get excited by the noises and think the toilet will "take over from here," because thats not going to happen.
Still holding? I know. You're doing a great job! Just keep doing that.
Get a book. Maybe hum a tune. You're gonna be here for awhile.
What was that? a gurgle? No. Just a trick. Keep holding."
"To flush, hold down handle. No really, keep holding. Think you're done? You're not. See that slight tremor in the water? That's a good sign. You're on the right track. But don't stop holding. You've got a long way to go. Once you hear a slight rumbling, way down below, that means you're about halfway there. Don't let go! Don't get excited by the noises and think the toilet will "take over from here," because thats not going to happen.
Still holding? I know. You're doing a great job! Just keep doing that.
Get a book. Maybe hum a tune. You're gonna be here for awhile.
What was that? a gurgle? No. Just a trick. Keep holding."
Monday, June 19, 2006
ok
I haven't posted in a while. I've been apartment searching and I don't want to talk about that. Its hell in a handbag. Its like having a canker sore at the back of your throat and the only way to relieve the pain is to get back there with your dirty subway finger and push on it, and then people look at you because there are strings of saliva coming off your finger. Like a baby.
Oh, look. I'm talking about it.
Speaking of babies, one "apartment" we looked at had a sign outside that said:
Please take your shoes off.
Please wash your hands before touching Amir.
If you are sick, do not go near Amir.
Amir was their son. First-born I presume. And heir to the entire kingdom. I was hoping Amir would have been like the cult leader though. Regardless, when you see a sign like that, you really don't know what you're getting into, and to be honest, you want to have your shoes on so you can EXEUNT ASAP if necessary.
I only have only one other issue to address today:
1) If you have made the personal choice to hover above the toilet seat, then it is your job to wipe the spray. Because if you don't, then now YOU are the problem.
Oh, look. I'm talking about it.
Speaking of babies, one "apartment" we looked at had a sign outside that said:
Please take your shoes off.
Please wash your hands before touching Amir.
If you are sick, do not go near Amir.
Amir was their son. First-born I presume. And heir to the entire kingdom. I was hoping Amir would have been like the cult leader though. Regardless, when you see a sign like that, you really don't know what you're getting into, and to be honest, you want to have your shoes on so you can EXEUNT ASAP if necessary.
I only have only one other issue to address today:
1) If you have made the personal choice to hover above the toilet seat, then it is your job to wipe the spray. Because if you don't, then now YOU are the problem.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
bedizen \bih-DYE-zen\ verb
: to dress or adorn gaudily
Last night on the train we noticed a lady wearing a little denim baseball cap with some serious bedazzlement on the brim. We weren't sure bedazzle was the perfect verb form...
now we have found it!
BEDIZEN
Example sentence:
"Adorned by minarets and spires and bedizened by more than a million lights,
Coney Island embodied what has been called the 'architecture of
exhilaration.'" (Blaine Harden, New York Times, August 28, 1999)
Did you know?
"Bedizen" doesn't have the flashy history you might expect — its roots lie
in the rather quiet art of spinning thread. In times past, the spinning
process began with the placement of fibers (such as flax) on an implement
called a "distaff"; the fibers were then drawn out from the distaff and
twisted into thread. "Bedizen" descends from the verb "disen," which meant
"to dress a distaff with flax" and which came to English by way of Middle
Dutch. The spelling of "disen" eventually became "dizen," and its meaning
expanded to cover the "dressing up" of things other than distaffs. In the
mid-17th century, English speakers began using "bedizen" with the same
meaning.
Last night on the train we noticed a lady wearing a little denim baseball cap with some serious bedazzlement on the brim. We weren't sure bedazzle was the perfect verb form...
now we have found it!
BEDIZEN
Example sentence:
"Adorned by minarets and spires and bedizened by more than a million lights,
Coney Island embodied what has been called the 'architecture of
exhilaration.'" (Blaine Harden, New York Times, August 28, 1999)
Did you know?
"Bedizen" doesn't have the flashy history you might expect — its roots lie
in the rather quiet art of spinning thread. In times past, the spinning
process began with the placement of fibers (such as flax) on an implement
called a "distaff"; the fibers were then drawn out from the distaff and
twisted into thread. "Bedizen" descends from the verb "disen," which meant
"to dress a distaff with flax" and which came to English by way of Middle
Dutch. The spelling of "disen" eventually became "dizen," and its meaning
expanded to cover the "dressing up" of things other than distaffs. In the
mid-17th century, English speakers began using "bedizen" with the same
meaning.
Today would be a good day to pretend to be the devil incarnate
I saw a guy sitting at Starbucks, who was kind of reclined and smirking, listening intently to his business partner like he was about to smote him. I decided I'm gonna start acting a little bit like that today, just to freak people out.
Like if somebody pushes me on the train (which they will), I'll just growl some latin.
Or if the lady at "Hale and Hearty Soup Co." tells me that, unlike every other store in Manhattan, they don't take credit cards, I'll just stare at her.
I'm gonna use some hissing, some "tongues" and just evil stares.
I might also just go into speaking in tongues, like i'm being overtaken.
You know what I'm really excited for? All the preachers on the trains. Its gonna be a big one for them.
What if I took it in another direction (like a "party store" direction) and wore a sexy red dress and red horns and a tail, and like winked at men? I bet I could get a few believers to run.
Like if somebody pushes me on the train (which they will), I'll just growl some latin.
Or if the lady at "Hale and Hearty Soup Co." tells me that, unlike every other store in Manhattan, they don't take credit cards, I'll just stare at her.
I'm gonna use some hissing, some "tongues" and just evil stares.
I might also just go into speaking in tongues, like i'm being overtaken.
You know what I'm really excited for? All the preachers on the trains. Its gonna be a big one for them.
What if I took it in another direction (like a "party store" direction) and wore a sexy red dress and red horns and a tail, and like winked at men? I bet I could get a few believers to run.
Monday, June 05, 2006
It's not called gym-nice-tics
I need to learn that when I do something that is embarrassing to me, I don't have to tell everybody about it. I'll just save it for the blog.
Cases in point:
1. Cried at "Stick it," the gymnastics movie. When the pressure of her parents' divorce mounted, and she mounted the beam, and then droplets of...sweat? no-tears, fell to the beam, I turned to my friend Kat and said "hit me. hit me hard." And she said 'why?' and I said "because I'm crying."
2. Despite HATING "The Break-up" I cried.
3. I have a mole underneath my nose. Its a small pink dot. I have known people for six years who have not noticed it. But when I walked around with a cup of watermelon punch all night, everybody thought it was watermelon punch. I had 3 strangers take a swipe at my nose with their index fingers.
Cases in point:
1. Cried at "Stick it," the gymnastics movie. When the pressure of her parents' divorce mounted, and she mounted the beam, and then droplets of...sweat? no-tears, fell to the beam, I turned to my friend Kat and said "hit me. hit me hard." And she said 'why?' and I said "because I'm crying."
2. Despite HATING "The Break-up" I cried.
3. I have a mole underneath my nose. Its a small pink dot. I have known people for six years who have not noticed it. But when I walked around with a cup of watermelon punch all night, everybody thought it was watermelon punch. I had 3 strangers take a swipe at my nose with their index fingers.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
bad news
you know everybody seems to be running the "i wanna be just like FOX race." i've been frequenting the conference room with the tv on my lunch breaks, and today MSNBC made an extremely hurtful non-sequitor btwn a woman's testimonial about her son's body-moving duty in Haditha and the Barry Bonds ballcatcher's lucky trip to the snackstand. by nonsequitor i mean it was one sentence like i just wrote. who needs a period, nay even a COMMA, in a world like this one? KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES, KIDS!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
free it up: blaine
Reasons why I like the word Blaine:
1. the town in "Waiting for Guffman". (Red White and Blaine? yes please.)
Reasons why I hate the word Blaine:
2. The Blaine, MN girls soccer team were bitches and they all wore silver hoop earrings, fancy warm-up clothes and perms just b/c they were rich and knew that "matching" was the primary intimidation tactic for girls soccer.
1. And the # one reason I hate the word blaine? David Blaine. Don't get me wrong: When I first saw his DVD with all the street magic i was like "Wow, magic DOES exist." and i sort of liked watching all the cute kids and elderlies getting wowed. But now. Now he is nothing more than a self-glorifying showman. I hate showmanship, and this is showmanship at its worst. Its like saying "GATHER YE ROUND FOR A GIANT DEFYING TRICK WHERE I WILL HOP ON ONE FOOT FOR SOOOOOOOO LONG. LIKE REALLY REALLY LONG!" That is not a trick. And all the drama! Why do we care if he lives or dies? He's not Ghandi, starving himself for the freedom of an entire peoples! There's no cause here. Just Jesusification. He is gross.
Not to mention magician fashion.
1. the town in "Waiting for Guffman". (Red White and Blaine? yes please.)
Reasons why I hate the word Blaine:
2. The Blaine, MN girls soccer team were bitches and they all wore silver hoop earrings, fancy warm-up clothes and perms just b/c they were rich and knew that "matching" was the primary intimidation tactic for girls soccer.
1. And the # one reason I hate the word blaine? David Blaine. Don't get me wrong: When I first saw his DVD with all the street magic i was like "Wow, magic DOES exist." and i sort of liked watching all the cute kids and elderlies getting wowed. But now. Now he is nothing more than a self-glorifying showman. I hate showmanship, and this is showmanship at its worst. Its like saying "GATHER YE ROUND FOR A GIANT DEFYING TRICK WHERE I WILL HOP ON ONE FOOT FOR SOOOOOOOO LONG. LIKE REALLY REALLY LONG!" That is not a trick. And all the drama! Why do we care if he lives or dies? He's not Ghandi, starving himself for the freedom of an entire peoples! There's no cause here. Just Jesusification. He is gross.
Not to mention magician fashion.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Capricorn
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): An old African proverb says that cattle are wealth, and there are no cattle without dung. This idea is applicable to you right now. The source of your greatest riches has produced some waste matter that needs to be cleaned up. Ironically, if you act expeditiously, the waste matter could be turned into more riches. Take a hint from the Masai people, who use cattle dung as plaster in building their homes. The scent helps keep lions, who dislike it, from venturing too close.
Ew, no thanks. Guess who else it keeps from venturing too close? Sooz. Sooz the Lion.
Ew, no thanks. Guess who else it keeps from venturing too close? Sooz. Sooz the Lion.
Monday, May 15, 2006
catclock
Somebody please tell me how my cat knows its 5:30 a.m. every single morning. Apparently 5:30 is "breakfast time" and there is no end to the persistence. How does she know its 5:30? And why does it have to be exactly one hour before my alarm clock goes off anyway?
Friday, May 12, 2006
office shotz
this is why this blog is called "hilarity ensues" instead of "i make hilarity." because its just all around us and sometimes all i want to do is report it.
Like today. As my cohorts and i lounged in the abandoned office at the corner of our floor, we noticed a big globby mess hanging, hanging, from the desk. it could be spit. it really could be. But judging from the crumpled up kleenexes in the garbage, i'm going to say its something much more "reproductive." Its just hanging on with too much vigor to be spit.
Like today. As my cohorts and i lounged in the abandoned office at the corner of our floor, we noticed a big globby mess hanging, hanging, from the desk. it could be spit. it really could be. But judging from the crumpled up kleenexes in the garbage, i'm going to say its something much more "reproductive." Its just hanging on with too much vigor to be spit.
Comments Welcome
I've finally enabled "anybody" to comment instead of just blogger bloggers! Oh glorious the day!
Thursday, May 11, 2006
A really negative post about today
This day is so gross. its just gray and gross and everybody is grumpy. also its only 3:00 which means two more hours of office hell.
This day is like a piece of poo at the bottom of a swimming pool and they've got to evacuate the whole pool just to get the poo out. but the poo is so soft from the water that it doesn't just come off with a shovel. You've got to scoop, and scrape and then spray and wipe. and its stinky the whole time.
Finally, when the poo is gone, your entire family arrives and is like "wait, WHY isn't the pool ready to swim in?" and you're like ITS NOT MY FAULT! and you decide to go to the store to get some hotdogs to tide everyone over while the pool is refilling.
But, you thought you knew where the store was and now you can't find it. Then you ask your boyfriend to get out the map but he refuses and he just keeps acting like he knows everything. But he doesn't and you end up driving around. Then you realize how badly you have to pee, and you realize you're so far away from a gas station that you're gonna have to do it on the side of the road. And its raining.
Then the cars won't stop passing. and you decide to just go, even though the cars are passing. So they start honking and your boyfriend is laughing and telling you to "hurry up" but 'hurry up' for what? why should you hurry up just to get back to a wild goose chase, when you don't even like hot dogs yourself?
then you get a call on your cell phone and your best friend is like crying or something but the phone cuts out because you're out of batteries. and your boyfriend is like "you really need a new cell phone" and you're like 'I KNOW!' and now you're hungry.
So you decide to go to KFC but when you get the buckets of chicken they all smell like seaweed, and the chicken is dry and the fried part is damp.
"what did they do, soak this motherfucking chicken in a lake?" you shout as you are driving with the windows open because they don't close after the traffic collision a couple months ago. and your boyfriend is now getting kind of scared of you because of the shouting.
then you get home and find out that the cute new little puppy has jumped into the pool and pooped in it again, and you have to get in there and scrape again. but you can't yell at the puppy because its so cute.
thats what this weather is like today.
This day is like a piece of poo at the bottom of a swimming pool and they've got to evacuate the whole pool just to get the poo out. but the poo is so soft from the water that it doesn't just come off with a shovel. You've got to scoop, and scrape and then spray and wipe. and its stinky the whole time.
Finally, when the poo is gone, your entire family arrives and is like "wait, WHY isn't the pool ready to swim in?" and you're like ITS NOT MY FAULT! and you decide to go to the store to get some hotdogs to tide everyone over while the pool is refilling.
But, you thought you knew where the store was and now you can't find it. Then you ask your boyfriend to get out the map but he refuses and he just keeps acting like he knows everything. But he doesn't and you end up driving around. Then you realize how badly you have to pee, and you realize you're so far away from a gas station that you're gonna have to do it on the side of the road. And its raining.
Then the cars won't stop passing. and you decide to just go, even though the cars are passing. So they start honking and your boyfriend is laughing and telling you to "hurry up" but 'hurry up' for what? why should you hurry up just to get back to a wild goose chase, when you don't even like hot dogs yourself?
then you get a call on your cell phone and your best friend is like crying or something but the phone cuts out because you're out of batteries. and your boyfriend is like "you really need a new cell phone" and you're like 'I KNOW!' and now you're hungry.
So you decide to go to KFC but when you get the buckets of chicken they all smell like seaweed, and the chicken is dry and the fried part is damp.
"what did they do, soak this motherfucking chicken in a lake?" you shout as you are driving with the windows open because they don't close after the traffic collision a couple months ago. and your boyfriend is now getting kind of scared of you because of the shouting.
then you get home and find out that the cute new little puppy has jumped into the pool and pooped in it again, and you have to get in there and scrape again. but you can't yell at the puppy because its so cute.
thats what this weather is like today.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Happy Day o' Thine Birth, O seafaring maiden!
Miss Gunyou was born on this day!If I have the wherewithal (what a great word for meaning nothing; it means "if i don't slack off") I will probably sing you a little sea-shanty-esque birthday song on your voicemail.
Many happy regards!
AND A HUG!
I love you Em, and I hope you have a great day!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Quarterly Olfactory Report
Quarterly Olfactory Report:--------------------------------------05/04/06
Implemented: Ariel F. Dumas, PhD
Scale: International Stinktron Scale (ISS) 1.0 - 5.0---------------------------------------
Wall (Cubicle) : Dusty, bookish. ISS 2.3
Wall (Wall): Plastic, "New Wallpaper Smell." ISS 1.7
Hard Drive (External): Hot, baking-plastic. ISS 2.8
Hard Drive (Internal): ACCESS DENIED
Phone (Desk): No detectable smell.
Mug (Coffee): Stale Coffee, Slightly Sweet. ISS 3.3
Chair (Desk): Fabric-y, Slightly Sweet. ISS 1.2
Intern (Joey): Sweaty, "Axe," Nervous. ISS 4.2
Microwave (Breakroom 11B): Exploded Calzone, also mold. ISS 4.9 (IMMEDIATE ATTENTION REQUIRED)
----------Professor Dumas report remains outstanding as we await the "Microwave Post Fish" ISS. Expect VP (Vomit Patrol).
Implemented: Ariel F. Dumas, PhD
Scale: International Stinktron Scale (ISS) 1.0 - 5.0---------------------------------------
Wall (Cubicle) : Dusty, bookish. ISS 2.3
Wall (Wall): Plastic, "New Wallpaper Smell." ISS 1.7
Hard Drive (External): Hot, baking-plastic. ISS 2.8
Hard Drive (Internal): ACCESS DENIED
Phone (Desk): No detectable smell.
Mug (Coffee): Stale Coffee, Slightly Sweet. ISS 3.3
Chair (Desk): Fabric-y, Slightly Sweet. ISS 1.2
Intern (Joey): Sweaty, "Axe," Nervous. ISS 4.2
Microwave (Breakroom 11B): Exploded Calzone, also mold. ISS 4.9 (IMMEDIATE ATTENTION REQUIRED)
----------Professor Dumas report remains outstanding as we await the "Microwave Post Fish" ISS. Expect VP (Vomit Patrol).
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Rumor Control
I just found out there is a specific mail group at my company called rumorcontrol. LOL.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Do you ever get the feeling construction workers are just improvising? Like if you pay attention to the machinery they "try out" on a certain roadspace, doesn't it seem like they're going "no this ones too big, this ones too small, Uh oh, we've got some water over here, lets bring in the hoses, Oh! um....cement. Can we get some guys with jackhammers in here, please? Wait, what's this? Oh, there's a LOT of mud in here! Let's get that really huge thing with the corkscrew to go in there and pull all the mud out! Oh we need to assemble the corkscrew? I guess we'll need a few electricians. Where's ConEd? Where's ConEd? HAS ANYBODY SEEN CONED? No? I guess they're not really "On it!" today."
Friday, April 21, 2006
Where the milk goes, Part Whatever
It is quite possible that some of you (Dave, Donna, Emily, and Taylor) might remember a post from over a year ago, when my boss dared to ask the question, "Where does the milk go?"
Since that time we have moved to the other side of the floor, where we found a new fridge filled with tons of fresh milk. The milk gets thrown out far before its expiration date and new milk gets replaced. My boss said "hey, can you do that same thing you did last year to get them to bring less milk?"
But this year is different. Because this year I have this cube neighbor whom we'll call Coppa. He overheard my boss and piped in, very loudly "YEAH, WHATS THE DEAL WITH ALL THAT MILK?" and he said "DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP TABS ON IT AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON?"
Thus: The Milk Spreadsheet. Several weeks later, this is what Coppa came up with:
My favorite part is the "Swallow" column which means that only a swallow remains.
However, he has to re-do it because he didn't record the expiration dates, which is key.
Also, I told him I had expected pH levels.
Taylor has been trying to explain to his office-mates in Minnesota why we have a refrigerator full of milk. I swear its only for coffee. But I would love it if we were an office of mysteriously milk-obsessed, strong-boned, Children-of-the Corn types.
My office buddy Kerry suggested that next time Coppa goes in there to measure the milk, we follow him in there and start pouring big glasses of milk.
Luckily, Coppa is game for taking things too far, so I can expect a Powerpoint presentation soon. I hope it includes Cow .gifs!
Since that time we have moved to the other side of the floor, where we found a new fridge filled with tons of fresh milk. The milk gets thrown out far before its expiration date and new milk gets replaced. My boss said "hey, can you do that same thing you did last year to get them to bring less milk?"
But this year is different. Because this year I have this cube neighbor whom we'll call Coppa. He overheard my boss and piped in, very loudly "YEAH, WHATS THE DEAL WITH ALL THAT MILK?" and he said "DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP TABS ON IT AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON?"
Thus: The Milk Spreadsheet. Several weeks later, this is what Coppa came up with:
My favorite part is the "Swallow" column which means that only a swallow remains.
However, he has to re-do it because he didn't record the expiration dates, which is key.
Also, I told him I had expected pH levels.
Taylor has been trying to explain to his office-mates in Minnesota why we have a refrigerator full of milk. I swear its only for coffee. But I would love it if we were an office of mysteriously milk-obsessed, strong-boned, Children-of-the Corn types.
My office buddy Kerry suggested that next time Coppa goes in there to measure the milk, we follow him in there and start pouring big glasses of milk.
Luckily, Coppa is game for taking things too far, so I can expect a Powerpoint presentation soon. I hope it includes Cow .gifs!
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