In Case of Emergency

I don’t like reading the ads on the subways. Especially the vacation ads. I’m sure it would be nice if my commute was along the shore in a golfcart, but its not ok? Those ads are just snarky and mean.

But today I noticed something even less satisfactory than the smell of Canal Street on a summer day. The MTA emergency instructions. Its four panels that show pictures of the 4 possible emergencies. (One of which is "police" by the way: "Help! There's about 50 police in here! With guns! Help!). The first instruction on every single one is "Do not pull the Emergency Brake." The second instruction is "Notify a train crew member." And the third is to follow the instructions of the train crew.

Okay. So in case of fire, medical, police or evacuation, NEVER pull the emergency brake. WHAT IS THE EMERGENCY BRAKE FOR? A fashion emergency? (Because I have seen PLENTY of those.)

The only thing we’re allowed to do, if we are sick, bleeding, held hostage, or in flames, is run (tripping, burning, and puking) through the train cars trying to FIND a train crew member. Even if the train crew members were moseying around the train offering us beverages and hot towels, this would still be a terrible plan. But instead the train crew is located in two cars: front, back and sometimes middle. If I’m on the train, bleeding and extinguishing burning children with my Poland Springs, I’m not going to know which direction the middle of the train is. And if I get there and find no train crew member, do I just keep going, dragging the burning corpses, to the front of the train?

Well, there MUST be some other way to notify a train crew member! A button, a cord? No. Just the EMERGENCY BRAKE. And you can’t use that. Its for emergencies.

Let’s say I find a train crew member who has not yet been taken hostage by the terrorists. What do I say? "The train is on fire!" Then are they just going to pull the emergency brake? Is it their expert eyes that will determine whether this is indeed an emergency? Is that why? Only they can say, after leaving an unconducted train hurling throught the tunnels, “Yes indeed, you guys are choking on anthrax. Ok, let’s pull the brake- No! No! Not YOU! You don’t have the magic touch! Allow me.”

Also, who designed an emergency brake that seemingly does more damage than the initial emergency? This brake shouldn’t even be offered to us, if its so dangerous.

Guess what I’m gonna do in case of an emergency? Pull that brake like my life depends on it. Because it does.

One More Thing
“Poetry in Motion” sucks. But the worst idea I have seen from Poetry in Motion is to put this poem above our heads as we cart to and from the office, reeling towards probable Death by Emergency Brake or Death by Police:

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
~From Macbeth