What Will Probably Happen To Me

I am convinced there is a room somewhere, in the basement of one of the company’s buildings, where all the sensorship people sit, going through all our e-mails and instant messages. There is, almost certainly, a certain sensorship guy, who has noticed the content of some of my interoffice instant messages. But since he is a decent guy who hates his day job, he is not reporting me. He most likely looks a little bit like this. He probably finds my gossip and somewhat inappropriate discussions extremely interesting, and follows my life like a soap opera story. He is probably, in his quiet little way, falling slowly but surely in mad, mad love with me. He also happens to be a novelist and his best friend, a quirky sidekick type, happens to be a publisher. They are probably going to publish my IM’s in a book, but not on the sly. The publishing of the book (undoubtedly the most famous piece of literature of this decade) will act as an invitation to meet with him for martinis some time, in a no-name bar where the bartender knows his name and knows my favorite drink. It is there that he will simultaneously A)announce plans to share the proceeds with me 50/50 and B) begin to date me. Soon enough, the film version of our story will be nominated for an academy award. Having co-written and co-starred, we will be nominated quadrupley, and when we win, he will propose marriage onstage at the Academy Awards. This will probably happen. Its just a matter of time.

the escape

We are trying to get only a certain few people out of our office for drinks right now. It is very complicated b/c we have to avoid certain calls, and there's lots of coordinating. Oh, thats my signal. shiznit.

whoa

this shit is amazing

The most romantic music ever

My Boo
[Usher intro:]

There's always that one person
That will always have your heart
You never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start
Know that you're that one for me
It's clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby ooh you'll always be my boo

[Alicia intro:]

I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
It's the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
It's the only way
We know how to rock

[Usher Verse:]

Do you remember girl
I was the one who gave you your first kiss
Cause I remember girl
I was the one who said put your lips like this
Even before all the fame and
People screaming your name
Girl I was there when you were my baby

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taken over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger
You were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time
I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter
How I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man who's in my life
You will always be my boo

[Alicia Verse:]

Yes I remember boy
Cause after we kissed
I could only think about your lips
Yes I remember boy
The moment I knew you were the one
I could spend my life with
Even before all the fame
And people screaming your name
I was there and you were my baby

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taken over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger
You were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time
I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter
How I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man who's in my life
You will always be my boo

[Usher:]
My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo

[Alicia:]
My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taken over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia & Usher:]

I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
It's the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
It's the only way
We know how to rock

Guest Post: "Leather!" "Tina Fey!" "Pinochle!"

T James was in town this weekend and I have decided to feature him as a guest poster today. I don't think he even knows my real name. He only calls me Sooz.

T James says:

Okay, Tina Fey.

Okay.

Of course the first things people think of when they hear Tina Fey are Weekend Update and Mean Girls. Mean Girls was a fairly good movie, I guess, for people who aren't teenage girls, and people who aren't interested in staring at the fake breasts of "teenage" girls for like an hour and a half.

Anyway, last Sunday Kat, Tom, Sooz, my friend EKL and I went to see the Upright Citizen's Brigade, the free show, since the other two were sold out. Kat and I waited in the fucking cold for like two and a half hours. Shit it was cold. And snowing.

So we eventually got in, and it was a bunch of people from SNL, including Tina Fey who did the monologue. Horatio Sanz, Seth Meyer, Rachel Drach, Gob's wife Amy Pohler, Ruggles, a few other guys. Holy shit it was funny. It was probably the funniest thing I've ever heard or seen, even funnier than that time my friend Kelly and I were stoned and realized a water pipe froze in the basement and was shooting water all over and that meant the cops were coming and we were fucked.

We got seats at the show, too, since Sooz knew the girl who was interning. I had one of those 'from a distance' crushes on this intern. You know, like sitting at a cafe and there's someone at a table by you who's totally cute, and you want to talk to them, but as soon as you sit down, they look over at you and start to pack up their shit and leave. I never got to talk to her, since we had to quick leave and go to the bar. But if I'm ever back in New York, or if she's ever here, we could have babies or something. They'd totally be cute, since we've both got curly hair.

Tina never laughed during the show, even though it was fantastic. I'm not sure if she was too tired, or was too academic, but she never laughed. She just sat there, looking totally brilliant and hot and amazing, and that's why I had an erection the whole show.

Well, that and the intern.

And because I was touching myself.

But the show was amazing. And that's Tina Fey for me.

T

I also got a tiny erection when I brushed up against this guy's stomach on the way out. He is dreamy.

"Are you pregnant?"

Note to the world: If you are not SURE that a woman is pregnant, do not ask her if she is. Just let her continue on, let her pass you by, and assume that the bulge is an adorable little paunch. Why would you want to know if a complete stranger is pregnant, anyway? Are you taking a survey?

oh yeah

Oh yeah. Its THIS day. I never see it coming, and then suddenly I'm confronted with it. Crosses. Ash crosses everywhere. It is totally disturbing and frightening to me. I always think something horrible has happened and then I remember "Oh yeah, something horrible did happen, just many many many years ago." I hold no animosity towards observers of Ash Wednesday. In fact, I applaud them for their effective visual imagery. It never fails to freak me the fuck out.

A little thing I bet you didn't know about Sooz

There is this uncle I have. He has some anger problems. I've met him less than ten times in my life. He has never called me, asked me any questions about myself, or ever sent a card or gift. I don't really even consider him family, especially since last summer when he accused me of stealing my grandmother's paints. She had given them to me, and as I was packing them in my suitcase, nonchalantly humming, he approached me and said "Nervous about something?"
I said "No."
He said "Then why are you humming?"
I told him I was humming because I like to hum.
He said "Yeah right. I'd be nervous if I were you too." I had no idea what he meant at the time, but it became clear later when he told my grandpa about my "theft". Luckily, my grandma's Alzheimers was so bad at that point that she was throwing beach towels over the balcony to passing strangers, so my Grandpa didn't hold it against me.
Things have taken a turn for the worst. I got news that this "uncle" of mine pulled a gun on a woman in a road rage incident. Great. These are the kind of "warning signs" families talk about after a murder. Its really frightening.

Classic Sooz

What happened to me in the kitchen last night deserves a post: It will not include an explanation, but it will certainly define what happens when your mind is not on the food you are attempting to cook. It is the essence of hilarity ensuing.

The evening began with a shopping trip. Alfredo Sauce? Somehow, after visiting 4 different stores, I came home with only
1)milk
2)mushrooms
3)wine
4)grated parmesan-the kind in the shaker.

Thats it, folks. I had 3 cloves of garlic to use, so I started by putting them in a pan with olive oil (no butter!) and promptly burning them. To cool the burning garlic I did two things: 1)removed the pan from the stove and put it on the plastic cutting board which it promptly melted to. 2)pour cold milk over it. (The milk's purpose was not just to cool; it was supposed to be an ingredient in Alfredo sauce too.) It scalded into a pillow of white bubbles. I threw the whole thing in the sink. I decided to attempt it again. By attempt I mean REPEAT. Exactly the same way, folks. Except this time, instead of using fresh garlic (I was out) I used powdered, and instead of removing the pan from the heat to cool it, I just added the milk to the hot oil and wine. (Was I drinking the wine? Hardly (three sips). If I could blame alcohol for this I unabashedly would, but alas, the cause was not so simple.) My roommate watched as I stirred what looked like lemonade and cottage cheese. Near tears I asked him "Is this what curdled milk looks like?" (I knew it was.) I threw that one out.

Third times a charm, right? He told me to temper the milk and it went fine. Let me be more specific. I didn't burn the milk again. But when I added the powdered parmesan it did something I've never seen before, except perhaps in a movie about aliens. It turned into chunks of hardened brown rubber, that looked like the putty for fake noses (see: Nicole Kidman in The Hours). Despite its weirdness, this last version made it into our "supper."

But lets not assume the dish was "ready". Remember the pasta that I was inevitably cooking over another burner? And remember the glass of wine I was gently sipping from? Well, I took that pot of boiling hot pasta and WHISKED it over to the sink, in a perfect arc that included the wine glass. The glass shattered all over the floor, trapping my bare-footed self in the corner of the kitchen with a boiling pot of water in my hands. My roommate, battling with the "internet" (quotes denote non-connectedness) heard the crash and came to rescue (laugh at) me. Then, as we both broke into gut-wrenching, amazed laughter, I decided I had to get rid of that hot water. I decided to kind of POUR the water into the drainer. The drainer, wishing to get in on the "Erin's such a mess" fun, had propped itself not quite in the sink. So I poured Hot Boiling Water all over the shattered glass. My roommate took my arm, pulled it over his shoulder, and carried me out of the kitchen.

Kicking doesn't work for everything

Things kicking, biting, or hitting don't solve:
1. boredom
2. Uggs
3. When the kids won't come in from the rain and you keep calling them and calling them, but they just won't come in from the rain.
4. Valentine's day
5. When the cream cheese keeps squishing out of the bagel.
6. Computer problems
7. Moms
8. Drug and alcohol addiction
9. When the time comes to put a loved one in a nursing home.
10. "Elections"
11. Math
12. Local trains running express for no apparent reason.