Soozical

I have been amassing all these details in my head:

1. 2 nights ago I had one of those dreams about Brad Pitt. I feel so unoriginal.

2. My father has started taking yoga classes. He is the only man in the class and the teacher always simplifies poses for him: "Tom will just want to put his leg to the side for this one." On Sunday they were doing a stretch against the wall. And my dad broke the wall. He put a hole in the wall.

3. Ladies, have you ever worn a pair of nylons for more than one day without them getting a run in them? Ever? Those things should just be disposable.

4. The building next to my apartment in Harlem is full of live chickens in cages. I didn't know this until I walked by and the garage was up and I saw them all. I had to stop and stare for awhile.

5. Pye has discovered this ceramic bowl. She sits in the bowl all day and all night. She never gets out of the bowl. She still sleeps with me at night but in the morning she goes to the door and cries until I let her go sit in her bowl. She doesn't even like to eat any more. All she cares about is bowl bowl bowl.

6. Last night I saw this commercial for Campbells Cream of Mushroom soup. It shows that famous Green Bean Casserole of theirs being set by a window to cool. At that point, a fir tree outside comes to life, opens the window with one of its branches, and scoops, SCOOPS, a "handful" (branchful?) of green bean casserole for itself to presumably eat. I have never felt so uncomfortable watching a commercial in my life. First of all, what would you do if you made that casserole and one of your friends just reached in and scooped some of it to eat out of their hand? Second of all, a fir tree, or spruce branch, whatever, has all those holes, all those spaces for the gloppiness to seep through. Its like trying to pick up sand with a fork. So now I'm picturing this fir tree licking its barbs, trying to get all the slop from between its needles. And this is why its especially disturbing. That xmas tree is eating its own kind. I have a real "thing" about anthropomorphic cannibalism. I don't like pigs in chef hats, or cartoon chickens eating eggs, or even lightbulbs using lightbulbs to light their lightbulb houses. I'm not saying green beans and spruce trees are of the same family, but they are at least both plants! Whoever came up with this commercial is clearly creative (the food is so delicious that the surrounding flora must partake!) but their creativity resulted in YUCK in this case. And yuck is not good for food commercials.

7. And finally, today was our office fire drill. I'm on the fire team and my title is "searcher." This morning the Fire Warden told me where I was assigned to search. But I forgot. So when the alarm went off I went to the conference rooms and found Steve there searching. He was like "This is my search territory." So I looked in the copy room and found Joe. He was like "Go search the womens bathroom, this is my search territory." By that time it was getting pretty late and everybody was already waiting at the stairwell. So I started running. What the crowd of people saw was me running at full force past the door, to the pantry, then back out and into the women's room, where I said "Everybody out!" They all roared with laughter. Then I came out of the women's room and leaned against the wall to wait. The fire warden was like "Where's John (the deputy fire warden)?" and I was like "Oh! I forgot to make eye contact with him!" So I ran back into the office and told him the women's room was all clear so he could join us at the stairwell. They all laughed again.

This story is much more amusing for people who know what my last name is.

8. I had this wacky dream where my 2nd grade class was recalled. Like a faulty cellphone battery. So I was going to 2nd grade with all these other grown-ups. I was getting ready at my mom's house in the morning, and we kept discovering her badly behaved roommate (played by Jamie Lee Curtis) in various suggestive positions with her mancandy personal trainer. My mom tried to trick me that school started at 11:30 so I wouldn't leave her alone with them. Now that I think about it, I don't blame her. Jamie Lee Curtis and a half naked personal trainer does seem like the perfect recipe for a gunfight of some kind.