On the trains, there's this ad for the MTA Lost and Found Phone #. It features some horrible drawings of objects that are supposed to be commonly lost on the subway, I'm assuming. I can't tell what most of them are, and the ones that are discernable (or interpretable) include:
a wooden leg
a pile of cash
mittens
two pencils that appear to be glued together
a squiggly line
My favorite one, however, was pointed out by my friend Abby who said "What's that? Is that a cupcake?" and I said "Oh that? That's a purple pie of course." Then Abby proceeded to be some flutterbudget calling the MTA Hotline: "Do you have a purple pie?" It cracked me up and the guy next to us joined in the laughter. I guess he was cancer free.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Today I sent a print job to the printer and when it didn't print I went over to check out the situation. The printer said:
CANNOT MOPY JOB
Now it is bad enough when things don't do what they're supposed to do. But when they don't do something that doesn't exist except maybe in Jim Henson land?
You know what? Good, I'm glad you can't Mopy anything, because I never wanted any Mopies.
CANNOT MOPY JOB
Now it is bad enough when things don't do what they're supposed to do. But when they don't do something that doesn't exist except maybe in Jim Henson land?
You know what? Good, I'm glad you can't Mopy anything, because I never wanted any Mopies.
Zombie Debates of '06
S: In the zombie dream I was a camp counselor in my cabin alone when suddenly three zombies came in. I ran for the door but they trapped me in the cabin. I tried to fight the first one with a pool cue, but I couldn't get it back far enough to jam it in his throat because I was against the wall. The attempt to jam it in the zombie's throat was very lengthy and seemed to be the best solution, which isn't really a great solution, is it?
T: You're terrible at fighting zombies. I know it was a dream, but the best way to defeat a zombie if you're trapped in a room is to let the zombies in the room, run around them, then trap them in the room! Like judo.
S: I couldn't get out of the room, silly. How am I gonna trap them in the room if I'm also trapped in the room. we were all trapped in the room. and guess whose the meal in that case? Sooz.
T: There wasn't a door or anything?
S: The zombies outside trapped us in there by barring it shut. i guess they were smart. besides judo doesn't work if its just switching words around. case in point: There is an elephant on me. To solve this problem I would simply sit on the elephant. Judo.
T: Here's how judo works on zombies. It's sort of complicated, so you probably won't get it. But I'll send it to you anyway, maybe if you read through it a few times -- or ask someone for help with it -- you'll eventually pick up on the idea. Lure the zombies into the room, don't work to keep them out. Once they are in the room, using their slouching zombie momentum to go towards you, quickly move around the zombies, and out the door from which they are so hurriedly moving away. Judo.
S: Yeah I get that. and by the way, the tactic of "telling me i'm not smart" works only in your mind. HOWEVER, in the dream, I did not have time to do any luring. the zombies surprised me in the room and shut the door on me. My plan was to try to lure them away from the door and then dash for the door, which I did, and at that moment, a zombie outside SHUT THE DOOR ON ME. So i was trapped inside the room. it was not some sort of room-weapon that I was going to use to "trap some zombies today." You should read your emails more carefully.
Sooz - 10
Taylor - 0
T: It sounds like you don't know what a zombie is. I read your email quite clearly, but at no point did you explain that "trapped in a room" meant "the zombies departed from all characteristics of zombie attacks and learned how to work in unison to lure me into a false sense of escape, at which point another zombie popped up and blocked me from getting through the only exit of the room". If you would've said that, I would've said that nothing, not even the ancient and beautiful art of judo could save you.
Maybe you have so much trouble because you live in soozworld, with its crazy workings and delusions.
Sooz - 6
Taylor - 11
S: Oh really? "The zombies outside trapped us in there by barring it shut. i guess they were smart."
If you don't believe me, you could also try scanning down this email again.
I think I'm starting to figure out TAYLORTOWN, btw. Since Soozworld relies on good arguing skills, fact, and delivery, Taylortown relies on "cutting down your opponent with groundless insults."
Sooz - 16
Taylor - 2
T: So were they really were super zombies that entered the only entrance, turned around and barracked the door? Or did the zombies work as a team to spring the surprise zombie on you? Either way, you didn't specify that they were super zombies, just that they could shut a door, which maybe in Soozworld means that they are super intellegent.
And sound arguments are my weapon of choice, the mockery is just an easy added bonus.
S: The zombies were working as a team. some went in and others stayed out to bar us in. i thought I had implied that, but i guess you need it explained a little bit more. That's ok, I'm glad you finally understand.
T: You're terrible at fighting zombies. I know it was a dream, but the best way to defeat a zombie if you're trapped in a room is to let the zombies in the room, run around them, then trap them in the room! Like judo.
S: I couldn't get out of the room, silly. How am I gonna trap them in the room if I'm also trapped in the room. we were all trapped in the room. and guess whose the meal in that case? Sooz.
T: There wasn't a door or anything?
S: The zombies outside trapped us in there by barring it shut. i guess they were smart. besides judo doesn't work if its just switching words around. case in point: There is an elephant on me. To solve this problem I would simply sit on the elephant. Judo.
T: Here's how judo works on zombies. It's sort of complicated, so you probably won't get it. But I'll send it to you anyway, maybe if you read through it a few times -- or ask someone for help with it -- you'll eventually pick up on the idea. Lure the zombies into the room, don't work to keep them out. Once they are in the room, using their slouching zombie momentum to go towards you, quickly move around the zombies, and out the door from which they are so hurriedly moving away. Judo.
S: Yeah I get that. and by the way, the tactic of "telling me i'm not smart" works only in your mind. HOWEVER, in the dream, I did not have time to do any luring. the zombies surprised me in the room and shut the door on me. My plan was to try to lure them away from the door and then dash for the door, which I did, and at that moment, a zombie outside SHUT THE DOOR ON ME. So i was trapped inside the room. it was not some sort of room-weapon that I was going to use to "trap some zombies today." You should read your emails more carefully.
Sooz - 10
Taylor - 0
T: It sounds like you don't know what a zombie is. I read your email quite clearly, but at no point did you explain that "trapped in a room" meant "the zombies departed from all characteristics of zombie attacks and learned how to work in unison to lure me into a false sense of escape, at which point another zombie popped up and blocked me from getting through the only exit of the room". If you would've said that, I would've said that nothing, not even the ancient and beautiful art of judo could save you.
Maybe you have so much trouble because you live in soozworld, with its crazy workings and delusions.
Sooz - 6
Taylor - 11
S: Oh really? "The zombies outside trapped us in there by barring it shut. i guess they were smart."
If you don't believe me, you could also try scanning down this email again.
I think I'm starting to figure out TAYLORTOWN, btw. Since Soozworld relies on good arguing skills, fact, and delivery, Taylortown relies on "cutting down your opponent with groundless insults."
Sooz - 16
Taylor - 2
T: So were they really were super zombies that entered the only entrance, turned around and barracked the door? Or did the zombies work as a team to spring the surprise zombie on you? Either way, you didn't specify that they were super zombies, just that they could shut a door, which maybe in Soozworld means that they are super intellegent.
And sound arguments are my weapon of choice, the mockery is just an easy added bonus.
S: The zombies were working as a team. some went in and others stayed out to bar us in. i thought I had implied that, but i guess you need it explained a little bit more. That's ok, I'm glad you finally understand.
The Great Cancer vs. Laughter debate of '06
Have you ever been laughing on the train, really yukking it up, when you suddenly wonder, do these people on this train hate me? I have to say that I have rarely thought that. If you look around, peoples' faces look tired, but in general they've all come to accept the subway as a chaotic stream of personalities that best be ignored.
Until recently. Because recently I was confronted by this lady. She came out of nowhere and threw her flaming hot anger all over me and my friend. She sarcastically asked us if she could sit down next to us because she wanted to know what was so damn funny. She sat her big sweaty body down right next to me and glared at me. Then she said "Hey, I've got a joke for you. Tell me if you think this is funny. I'm unemployed and today I found out I have cancer. Do you think thats funny?"
No its not. Its sad. But its one of those times that, despite knowing the safe answer, all the Christian-Slater-Rebellion answers pop into your head first:
"Actually, empirically, cancer has been proven by several well-known comedians to be a perfectly acceptable and sometimes even welcome source of laughter."
~and~
"Actually, if you were watching this altercation from the outside, it would be a perfect comedy bit. Someone who every time they laugh in public is accosted by an unemployed cancer patient."
Luckily we finally surmised that she just wanted us to be quiet so she could get some sleep and we got off at the next stop.
Until recently. Because recently I was confronted by this lady. She came out of nowhere and threw her flaming hot anger all over me and my friend. She sarcastically asked us if she could sit down next to us because she wanted to know what was so damn funny. She sat her big sweaty body down right next to me and glared at me. Then she said "Hey, I've got a joke for you. Tell me if you think this is funny. I'm unemployed and today I found out I have cancer. Do you think thats funny?"
No its not. Its sad. But its one of those times that, despite knowing the safe answer, all the Christian-Slater-Rebellion answers pop into your head first:
"Actually, empirically, cancer has been proven by several well-known comedians to be a perfectly acceptable and sometimes even welcome source of laughter."
~and~
"Actually, if you were watching this altercation from the outside, it would be a perfect comedy bit. Someone who every time they laugh in public is accosted by an unemployed cancer patient."
Luckily we finally surmised that she just wanted us to be quiet so she could get some sleep and we got off at the next stop.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Me: Pye, what are you doing?
Pye: (run run run)
Me: Running?
Pye: (run, stop, meow, run)
Me: Stop! What do you want? You want to be free?
Pye: (meow, meow, looking directly at me, meow)
Me: What? Are you in PAIN?
Pye: (running)
Me: Stop that!
Pye: (stops, grabs her paw with her teeth, bites.)
Me: Uh oh.
Pye: Meow. (biting at her foot)
Me: I know what this is.
Pye: (turning in circles)
Me: NOOOOOO!
Pye: MEOW!
Me: FLEAS!
Pye: (run run run)
Me: Running?
Pye: (run, stop, meow, run)
Me: Stop! What do you want? You want to be free?
Pye: (meow, meow, looking directly at me, meow)
Me: What? Are you in PAIN?
Pye: (running)
Me: Stop that!
Pye: (stops, grabs her paw with her teeth, bites.)
Me: Uh oh.
Pye: Meow. (biting at her foot)
Me: I know what this is.
Pye: (turning in circles)
Me: NOOOOOO!
Pye: MEOW!
Me: FLEAS!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
metaphors for the heat
Honestly I'm quite sad about the Middle East, the angry lady who attacked me on the train, and also the Middle East, so I'm going to try to cheer myself up with snappy metaphors for how hot it is.
1. Its like waking up underneath 60 pounds of velour.
2. Its like there's a radio playing "You're Beautiful" by that James Blunt guy over and over again but the radio is superglued to your back and you try to run backwards into brick walls to just break it, but its a radio of steel.
3. Its like armpit stains on prom night.
4. Its like the breath of a poopeater.
5. Its like trying to explain the internet to an impatient older person: "its like imaginary space. When you go to the website, you don't actually go there."
6. Its like wearing high heels that smell and hurt and you've been walking for a long time and there's no seats on the train and someone is leaning his whole sweaty body on the pole so you have to hold onto the one above the seats which you're too short for, and everybody can see sweat stains. Then your back spasms.
7. Its like being at a party and suddenly models arrive.
8. Its like the fourteenth person who says "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN 'HEATHERS'? YOU? But you would really like it! I can't believe you haven't seen it!" and everytime you go to blockbuster its not there.
9. Its like you forgot to feed your cat and when you get home she's really sad, but she doesn't hold it against you. She just rubs your leg because she's happy to see you, thereby increasing the guilt.
10. Its like eating too many fritos so your insides feel pickled.
1. Its like waking up underneath 60 pounds of velour.
2. Its like there's a radio playing "You're Beautiful" by that James Blunt guy over and over again but the radio is superglued to your back and you try to run backwards into brick walls to just break it, but its a radio of steel.
3. Its like armpit stains on prom night.
4. Its like the breath of a poopeater.
5. Its like trying to explain the internet to an impatient older person: "its like imaginary space. When you go to the website, you don't actually go there."
6. Its like wearing high heels that smell and hurt and you've been walking for a long time and there's no seats on the train and someone is leaning his whole sweaty body on the pole so you have to hold onto the one above the seats which you're too short for, and everybody can see sweat stains. Then your back spasms.
7. Its like being at a party and suddenly models arrive.
8. Its like the fourteenth person who says "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN 'HEATHERS'? YOU? But you would really like it! I can't believe you haven't seen it!" and everytime you go to blockbuster its not there.
9. Its like you forgot to feed your cat and when you get home she's really sad, but she doesn't hold it against you. She just rubs your leg because she's happy to see you, thereby increasing the guilt.
10. Its like eating too many fritos so your insides feel pickled.
Friday, July 14, 2006
sad sandwich
I almost cried when I saw my sandwich today.
I went to Au Bon Pain which I generally try to avoid because this guy in my office always gets this one salad from there with asiago cheese and it smells like butthole.
Anyway, I had to go there b/c sometimes every NY deli looks suspicious. Especially in the summer. And especially when there's way too much shellfish in every deli for all of it to be fresh. And its right next to the cottage cheese. Ew, I have to stop.
So I ordered something off the menu called "Portobello Goat Cheese Sandwich with Artichoke Aioli on Sundried." Now that sounds like my kind of sandwich.
I watched as each sandwich before mine was made.
And then I seriously watched this woman pull out this thin "baguette" about the size of a newborn baby's wrist. She then slathered mushroom spread and goat cheese on each miniscule section. And then one piece of lettuce and two tomato slices.
It was, totally seriously, the smallest sandwich I have ever ever seen. It looked like something you could use to play a video game with. It was $6.50.
P.S. Martika's Toy Soldiers is the best song in the history of the world.
I went to Au Bon Pain which I generally try to avoid because this guy in my office always gets this one salad from there with asiago cheese and it smells like butthole.
Anyway, I had to go there b/c sometimes every NY deli looks suspicious. Especially in the summer. And especially when there's way too much shellfish in every deli for all of it to be fresh. And its right next to the cottage cheese. Ew, I have to stop.
So I ordered something off the menu called "Portobello Goat Cheese Sandwich with Artichoke Aioli on Sundried." Now that sounds like my kind of sandwich.
I watched as each sandwich before mine was made.
And then I seriously watched this woman pull out this thin "baguette" about the size of a newborn baby's wrist. She then slathered mushroom spread and goat cheese on each miniscule section. And then one piece of lettuce and two tomato slices.
It was, totally seriously, the smallest sandwich I have ever ever seen. It looked like something you could use to play a video game with. It was $6.50.
P.S. Martika's Toy Soldiers is the best song in the history of the world.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Superman for babies
I almost got so distracted by the title of this entry that i couldn't go on. Because it reminded me of that movie Superbabies that I never got to see. I'm still pretty sad that Superbabies is out there and I haven't seen it. Also every day my heart sinks a little further because Riding the Bus with My Sister still goes unviewed by yours truly. Sigh.
But onwards. This weekend I paid 7 dollars and walked into a giant, air conditioned nursery. Complete with seats for viewing and a giant screen to look at. The untrained eye would have thought this was a movie theater, but to Saturday's families of dookie-machines, it was their own private babysitting extravaganza.
First of all, babies cry. Second, people go to movies to get away from their own babies, so why subject them to your babies? Third, if you are holding your baby up in front of the screen, everybody else is viewing Superman With Baby instead of Superman with Giant Rocket.
The babies' cries (and trips to and from the theater) were also accompanied by one of those "Didn't Know This Was A Superhero Movie" guys who sat behind us. So like when Superman's eye rejects a bullet intead of exploding in blood and guts, he was like "OOOOOHHHH HAHAHAHAH HO HO HOOOO!" Because the bad guy had no idea that Superman was bulletproof! What a burn!
The best moment came when the baby's daddy stood up and used the light of Lex Luther's Kryptonite Dagger to pour powdered formula into a water bottle.
But onwards. This weekend I paid 7 dollars and walked into a giant, air conditioned nursery. Complete with seats for viewing and a giant screen to look at. The untrained eye would have thought this was a movie theater, but to Saturday's families of dookie-machines, it was their own private babysitting extravaganza.
First of all, babies cry. Second, people go to movies to get away from their own babies, so why subject them to your babies? Third, if you are holding your baby up in front of the screen, everybody else is viewing Superman With Baby instead of Superman with Giant Rocket.
The babies' cries (and trips to and from the theater) were also accompanied by one of those "Didn't Know This Was A Superhero Movie" guys who sat behind us. So like when Superman's eye rejects a bullet intead of exploding in blood and guts, he was like "OOOOOHHHH HAHAHAHAH HO HO HOOOO!" Because the bad guy had no idea that Superman was bulletproof! What a burn!
The best moment came when the baby's daddy stood up and used the light of Lex Luther's Kryptonite Dagger to pour powdered formula into a water bottle.
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