Tuesday, May 30, 2006
bad news
you know everybody seems to be running the "i wanna be just like FOX race." i've been frequenting the conference room with the tv on my lunch breaks, and today MSNBC made an extremely hurtful non-sequitor btwn a woman's testimonial about her son's body-moving duty in Haditha and the Barry Bonds ballcatcher's lucky trip to the snackstand. by nonsequitor i mean it was one sentence like i just wrote. who needs a period, nay even a COMMA, in a world like this one? KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES, KIDS!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
free it up: blaine
Reasons why I like the word Blaine:
1. the town in "Waiting for Guffman". (Red White and Blaine? yes please.)
Reasons why I hate the word Blaine:
2. The Blaine, MN girls soccer team were bitches and they all wore silver hoop earrings, fancy warm-up clothes and perms just b/c they were rich and knew that "matching" was the primary intimidation tactic for girls soccer.
1. And the # one reason I hate the word blaine? David Blaine. Don't get me wrong: When I first saw his DVD with all the street magic i was like "Wow, magic DOES exist." and i sort of liked watching all the cute kids and elderlies getting wowed. But now. Now he is nothing more than a self-glorifying showman. I hate showmanship, and this is showmanship at its worst. Its like saying "GATHER YE ROUND FOR A GIANT DEFYING TRICK WHERE I WILL HOP ON ONE FOOT FOR SOOOOOOOO LONG. LIKE REALLY REALLY LONG!" That is not a trick. And all the drama! Why do we care if he lives or dies? He's not Ghandi, starving himself for the freedom of an entire peoples! There's no cause here. Just Jesusification. He is gross.
Not to mention magician fashion.
1. the town in "Waiting for Guffman". (Red White and Blaine? yes please.)
Reasons why I hate the word Blaine:
2. The Blaine, MN girls soccer team were bitches and they all wore silver hoop earrings, fancy warm-up clothes and perms just b/c they were rich and knew that "matching" was the primary intimidation tactic for girls soccer.
1. And the # one reason I hate the word blaine? David Blaine. Don't get me wrong: When I first saw his DVD with all the street magic i was like "Wow, magic DOES exist." and i sort of liked watching all the cute kids and elderlies getting wowed. But now. Now he is nothing more than a self-glorifying showman. I hate showmanship, and this is showmanship at its worst. Its like saying "GATHER YE ROUND FOR A GIANT DEFYING TRICK WHERE I WILL HOP ON ONE FOOT FOR SOOOOOOOO LONG. LIKE REALLY REALLY LONG!" That is not a trick. And all the drama! Why do we care if he lives or dies? He's not Ghandi, starving himself for the freedom of an entire peoples! There's no cause here. Just Jesusification. He is gross.
Not to mention magician fashion.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Capricorn
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): An old African proverb says that cattle are wealth, and there are no cattle without dung. This idea is applicable to you right now. The source of your greatest riches has produced some waste matter that needs to be cleaned up. Ironically, if you act expeditiously, the waste matter could be turned into more riches. Take a hint from the Masai people, who use cattle dung as plaster in building their homes. The scent helps keep lions, who dislike it, from venturing too close.
Ew, no thanks. Guess who else it keeps from venturing too close? Sooz. Sooz the Lion.
Ew, no thanks. Guess who else it keeps from venturing too close? Sooz. Sooz the Lion.
Monday, May 15, 2006
catclock
Somebody please tell me how my cat knows its 5:30 a.m. every single morning. Apparently 5:30 is "breakfast time" and there is no end to the persistence. How does she know its 5:30? And why does it have to be exactly one hour before my alarm clock goes off anyway?
Friday, May 12, 2006
office shotz
this is why this blog is called "hilarity ensues" instead of "i make hilarity." because its just all around us and sometimes all i want to do is report it.
Like today. As my cohorts and i lounged in the abandoned office at the corner of our floor, we noticed a big globby mess hanging, hanging, from the desk. it could be spit. it really could be. But judging from the crumpled up kleenexes in the garbage, i'm going to say its something much more "reproductive." Its just hanging on with too much vigor to be spit.
Like today. As my cohorts and i lounged in the abandoned office at the corner of our floor, we noticed a big globby mess hanging, hanging, from the desk. it could be spit. it really could be. But judging from the crumpled up kleenexes in the garbage, i'm going to say its something much more "reproductive." Its just hanging on with too much vigor to be spit.
Comments Welcome
I've finally enabled "anybody" to comment instead of just blogger bloggers! Oh glorious the day!
Thursday, May 11, 2006
A really negative post about today
This day is so gross. its just gray and gross and everybody is grumpy. also its only 3:00 which means two more hours of office hell.
This day is like a piece of poo at the bottom of a swimming pool and they've got to evacuate the whole pool just to get the poo out. but the poo is so soft from the water that it doesn't just come off with a shovel. You've got to scoop, and scrape and then spray and wipe. and its stinky the whole time.
Finally, when the poo is gone, your entire family arrives and is like "wait, WHY isn't the pool ready to swim in?" and you're like ITS NOT MY FAULT! and you decide to go to the store to get some hotdogs to tide everyone over while the pool is refilling.
But, you thought you knew where the store was and now you can't find it. Then you ask your boyfriend to get out the map but he refuses and he just keeps acting like he knows everything. But he doesn't and you end up driving around. Then you realize how badly you have to pee, and you realize you're so far away from a gas station that you're gonna have to do it on the side of the road. And its raining.
Then the cars won't stop passing. and you decide to just go, even though the cars are passing. So they start honking and your boyfriend is laughing and telling you to "hurry up" but 'hurry up' for what? why should you hurry up just to get back to a wild goose chase, when you don't even like hot dogs yourself?
then you get a call on your cell phone and your best friend is like crying or something but the phone cuts out because you're out of batteries. and your boyfriend is like "you really need a new cell phone" and you're like 'I KNOW!' and now you're hungry.
So you decide to go to KFC but when you get the buckets of chicken they all smell like seaweed, and the chicken is dry and the fried part is damp.
"what did they do, soak this motherfucking chicken in a lake?" you shout as you are driving with the windows open because they don't close after the traffic collision a couple months ago. and your boyfriend is now getting kind of scared of you because of the shouting.
then you get home and find out that the cute new little puppy has jumped into the pool and pooped in it again, and you have to get in there and scrape again. but you can't yell at the puppy because its so cute.
thats what this weather is like today.
This day is like a piece of poo at the bottom of a swimming pool and they've got to evacuate the whole pool just to get the poo out. but the poo is so soft from the water that it doesn't just come off with a shovel. You've got to scoop, and scrape and then spray and wipe. and its stinky the whole time.
Finally, when the poo is gone, your entire family arrives and is like "wait, WHY isn't the pool ready to swim in?" and you're like ITS NOT MY FAULT! and you decide to go to the store to get some hotdogs to tide everyone over while the pool is refilling.
But, you thought you knew where the store was and now you can't find it. Then you ask your boyfriend to get out the map but he refuses and he just keeps acting like he knows everything. But he doesn't and you end up driving around. Then you realize how badly you have to pee, and you realize you're so far away from a gas station that you're gonna have to do it on the side of the road. And its raining.
Then the cars won't stop passing. and you decide to just go, even though the cars are passing. So they start honking and your boyfriend is laughing and telling you to "hurry up" but 'hurry up' for what? why should you hurry up just to get back to a wild goose chase, when you don't even like hot dogs yourself?
then you get a call on your cell phone and your best friend is like crying or something but the phone cuts out because you're out of batteries. and your boyfriend is like "you really need a new cell phone" and you're like 'I KNOW!' and now you're hungry.
So you decide to go to KFC but when you get the buckets of chicken they all smell like seaweed, and the chicken is dry and the fried part is damp.
"what did they do, soak this motherfucking chicken in a lake?" you shout as you are driving with the windows open because they don't close after the traffic collision a couple months ago. and your boyfriend is now getting kind of scared of you because of the shouting.
then you get home and find out that the cute new little puppy has jumped into the pool and pooped in it again, and you have to get in there and scrape again. but you can't yell at the puppy because its so cute.
thats what this weather is like today.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Happy Day o' Thine Birth, O seafaring maiden!
Miss Gunyou was born on this day!If I have the wherewithal (what a great word for meaning nothing; it means "if i don't slack off") I will probably sing you a little sea-shanty-esque birthday song on your voicemail.
Many happy regards!
AND A HUG!
I love you Em, and I hope you have a great day!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Quarterly Olfactory Report
Quarterly Olfactory Report:--------------------------------------05/04/06
Implemented: Ariel F. Dumas, PhD
Scale: International Stinktron Scale (ISS) 1.0 - 5.0---------------------------------------
Wall (Cubicle) : Dusty, bookish. ISS 2.3
Wall (Wall): Plastic, "New Wallpaper Smell." ISS 1.7
Hard Drive (External): Hot, baking-plastic. ISS 2.8
Hard Drive (Internal): ACCESS DENIED
Phone (Desk): No detectable smell.
Mug (Coffee): Stale Coffee, Slightly Sweet. ISS 3.3
Chair (Desk): Fabric-y, Slightly Sweet. ISS 1.2
Intern (Joey): Sweaty, "Axe," Nervous. ISS 4.2
Microwave (Breakroom 11B): Exploded Calzone, also mold. ISS 4.9 (IMMEDIATE ATTENTION REQUIRED)
----------Professor Dumas report remains outstanding as we await the "Microwave Post Fish" ISS. Expect VP (Vomit Patrol).
Implemented: Ariel F. Dumas, PhD
Scale: International Stinktron Scale (ISS) 1.0 - 5.0---------------------------------------
Wall (Cubicle) : Dusty, bookish. ISS 2.3
Wall (Wall): Plastic, "New Wallpaper Smell." ISS 1.7
Hard Drive (External): Hot, baking-plastic. ISS 2.8
Hard Drive (Internal): ACCESS DENIED
Phone (Desk): No detectable smell.
Mug (Coffee): Stale Coffee, Slightly Sweet. ISS 3.3
Chair (Desk): Fabric-y, Slightly Sweet. ISS 1.2
Intern (Joey): Sweaty, "Axe," Nervous. ISS 4.2
Microwave (Breakroom 11B): Exploded Calzone, also mold. ISS 4.9 (IMMEDIATE ATTENTION REQUIRED)
----------Professor Dumas report remains outstanding as we await the "Microwave Post Fish" ISS. Expect VP (Vomit Patrol).
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Rumor Control
I just found out there is a specific mail group at my company called rumorcontrol. LOL.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)