Goldie

Goldie is the name of the landlady at my new apartment. When I called I expected her to sound sort of like a grandma-who-cooks-for-you, but instead she's about 14. I didn't know 14 year-olds could sell apartments, but I guess they can.

Me and Sebastian made up a new game last night. Our old one "Strangers on the Train" is still very fun too. It involves pretending we're strangers sitting next to each other and then doing weird things that would scare a stranger, like meowing, acting like a zombie, or asking the stranger for some "Crack" in a very Grey-Poupon voice. The new game is "You're my boss," and its just practicing awful ways for a boss to greet a chipper employee in the morning. IE:

Me: Hello Rick!
Seb: (slowly turning his head, lowering eyebrows, shaking head, looking away.)

or~

Seb: Good Morning, Cheryl!
Me: (wiping tears away) What? What do you WANT?

Now I suppose some people would call these theater games, and those people would be right.

Note: that last link happens to be an illustration of a zombie fighter, which isn't exactly a zombie trainer, but is still impressive.

Strong Wind

Movie Preview

DEEP MALE VOICE
From the people who brought you…
Hard Rain! And Dark Water! Comes…
Strong Wind!

Visuals of broken, abandoned umbrellas strewn about the sidewalk, people battling the wind in NYC, their umbrellas bent. One man is not even walking, just bending forward, perfectly still.

SCENE:
Man enters with his coat in great disarray. His wife is waiting for him and he slams the door against the gale and holds her close.

MAN
(melodramatically)
That’s some really strong wind!

WIFE
(melodramatically)
I know. Its really blowing out there.


SCENE:
A man (MAN 2) outside in the wind is shouting into his walkie talkie

MAN 2
Branch Down! Branch Down!

Camera pulls away and we see that it is a branch the size of a golf club.

ETC.

Hooks

So. Remember that scene in Hook where Peter (Pan) and Grandma Wendy and Moira all get back from the Orphans Benefit Party to discover that Capt. James Hook has kidnapped the children and taken them off to Neverland? And they totally know it was Hook because the wall is all torn up with one long dragging rip, that could have only been made by a very sharp object with a lot of strength behind it?

Well that is exactly what my bedroom looks like. Last night I got home and was like WHAT THE F? Apparently our landlady hired some electricians to go into my room without telling me, spend several hours in there, and rip holes in the wall so they could move an outlet. The gash goes from one side of the room to the other, around a corner, etc.. I guess they didn't have time to finish the job, because there is a hole big enough for Pye to fit through, which she tried to do, which would have resulted in Dead or Trapped Cat if she hadn't been stopped. So we stuffed some pants in the hole. Then I hid my undearwear and diaries.

Also, once again, I shouldn't be allowed to dress myself. Today, instead of Office, I went for "1994 alternateen." And by that I mean pink corduroys, and long-sleeves-under-short-sleeves.

polygastress

Just to prove to myself and my roommates that we do not watch just any old thing on tv, last night we tuned in to an A&E special about Mormon Polygamists. Guess what? Although I don't approve of this as a lifestyle, and wouldn't be all "holy" about sharing my husband, I am not sure it should be illegal. The illegal aspect seems to be forcing the most cultlike families into secrecy so that all these other crimes (rape, incest, pedophilia) are falling under the umbrella of polygamy and going unprosecuted.

Also, they believe the state shouldn't tell them who they can and can't marry. Good argument! Just like the gays! Although I bet the mormons wouldn't see it that way.

However, the REAL reason I watched that program? For two hours? The clothes. Because those mormons do it like no others. Its a combination of braids, adult easter dresses, thick black tights, white robes, and the good old "nest of bangs." And you can't say, "Maybe their values are just different than yours! Maybe they don't care about something so shallow as fashion!" However, they obviously have made fashion choices. That kind of hairspraying and curling takes commitment! And its an agreed upon commmitment. So why? Why this? It is NOT the most simple choice. The most simple choice would be mumus or bodysuits. And THAT would make for excellent television.

I also like how the wives all look basically the same, like they're in a band. Which reminds me of "Palindromes," one of the best movies ever.

At one point the TV program was like "For many chilren, growing up in a plural family can be very special: Lots of children to play with, lots of care and attention." And I said "and then you turn fourteen and your uncle marries you."

However, in homage to my new pacifist heroine, Dr. Wafa Sultan, I am going to live and let live. I don't want to force my secularist views on people who want to have faith.

In case you haven't seen it yet:
http://www.memritv.org/search.asp?ACT=S9&P1=1050

bum cat with a bum leg

Last night as I walked and talked on the phone to Taylor, I saw something coming at me out of the bushes and promptly screamed. It was a black cat with a broken leg that it was dragging along behind it. It was trapped in the churchyard and I saw that it had an empty carrier cage nearby, so somebody had probably turned the cat over to the church.

I thought they only did that with babies. Anyway, it took me a long time to get over the spectacle of this poor thing dragging its leg around, and to realize there was nothing I could do for it that the Christians wouldn't do in the morning.

Later when I got home, I consulted Pye on my decision. She said, through her calm and somewhat frightening stare, that if I had taken that cat home, she would have packed her damn things and left because there's only enough room for one cat here, goddamnit.

Also, I think she forgave me for not calling the animal rescue # that I didn't have.

In honor of Churchyard Cat I am posting this cute link.

Real Lunch Conversations Part 1

Alla, Kerry, and Moi are watching TV in the conference room.

Alla: Who is this crazy woman who sleeps with her student...sick in the head!
Moi: Yeah thats crazy.
Kerry: I know.
Moi: Its a trend, a growing rash. Like school shootings.
Alla: No, its probably always been around but the stupid media makes it "oh now this is a big deal" but it was happening before!
Kerry: I don't know about that.
Alla: No I'm telling you! Its just like sharks!
(Kerry and Moi erupt in laughter, spitting out soda, etc.)
Moi: (catching breath) What?
Alla: No, really! There was statistics- statistics! that people were being bitten by sharks all the time! but the news blows it up!