Cute Canine with a Costume

JuneBug...


Plus new red union suit...

Equals:

A three-way Cuteness contest between that laughing baby with the paper, Baby Pandas, and Miss JB. She looks like this but ADURABLE.

Yeah I'm posting on the internets again. Perhaps its because I'm back in an office. Also some people who know me may think its funny that this year I will be playing the role of "Maria" in "La Natividad." Ironic jokes about virginity, religiosity and whiteness could easily follow, but I LOVE IT. My favorite part is when I sit and cute children dressed as animals, stars, and angels bow down to worship me. (I guess they're worshipping the baby, but WHO CARES?) I'm starting to feel sort of Christian or something.

(fyi for those people who have either stumbled upon this blog or flocked here by the thousands when I started writing again, the "voice" I adopted in the above paragraph is more of a ditsy character than my true self.)

My true self spent last night playing with beads. My mom cleaned house and found my FIVE boxes of seed beads from junior high. I used to trade them with other beaders. Sort of like gamers but...aesthetically pleasing...sometimes. Beads can also end up being sort of crafty looking, so I got teased a bit when I was discovered last night with my spread.

In other worlds, I discovered Sudoku about 8 years late. To my joy one of my coworkers doesn't sudoku yet (its a verb for me) so I got to explain the rules to her. I'm convinced that explaining it is one of the most fun parts because you sound smart and impressive and timely. Except for me, not timely.

Finally, you may not think you know Holiday Mathis but you DO. She writes the horoscopes for most newspapers. We're pretty sure thats not her given name or eye color.

On the internets

Apparently a popular genre on youtube is laughing babies. Here are a few of my favorites...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=x3Rw_3ky-uo&feature=related

From viewing these I have surmised there are some things that are especially cute about babies laughing...

1. Its all about the suspense.
2. They almost always fall over if not propped up.
3. The more babies the better. This causes a chain reaction.

In other news...

I saw this truck that has a picture of itself airbrushed on it. The truck is obsessed with itself. It also imagines itself out in the canyons and valleys, and not covered in sooty snow. What if I had my own face airbrushed on the ass of my jeans?

The Cringe Festival

Well, fringe festival of Minnesota. Its over. I know you still have like 5 days left, but for me, those are the last 5 days and then its over. Seriously, I want you out.

Yeah. We got a bad audience member review on the fringe website. A really bad one. Like the name of our show is "HowDo" and the title of the review is "HowDon't." I know, its funny. I wish the rest of the review was as witty though. It just says how bad the show is: Bad dancing...boring. At one point she describes my rampage as "sleepy." Seriously. So yeah, it hurts a little. But mostly I want to cap back on the fringe festival as a whole for a few various affronts to my own personal tastes.

(If you want to know, yes, I lost a little sleep over our "half star out of a possible five stars." But just to let you know, I drive my grandpa's 1987 Honda Accord, so its not like I've got a gigantic ego that needs constant stroking.)

First offending piece of evidence:
Sequin Cloche Hat in Black

Seen on the head of a pushy, middle-aged woman at a show this weekend. I mean the show was sold out and she somehow convinced the house staff (with shouting) to kick someone out of a seat for her. Cringe inDEED.

And now I would like to present a list of fictional titles of shows. These are not real shows, but I think they are adequate renditions of most of the cringe offerings.

A Very Merry Christmas Show
Two Guys Rasslin' Around On Stage and Makin' A Ruckus...Loudly
The Postman is Dead!
My Imaginary Elephant
I Like You/I Love You
And All I Got Was this T-shirt!
Men 'o' Pause
Stories from Guam
My Adventures in Filefaxing
J.T. Rambach Tells All

In short, if you're going to post a review, let it be thoughtful, specific and constructive. Everyone needs something constructive, because nothing is perfect. If you care to engage the world in your general hatred, do it face to face.

UP5

Unicorn Planet has proven itself GENIUS again with Episode 5.

Just add Paris

The front page of the NYtimes Magazine features a picture of a sympathetic robot. The caption says "next-gen robots are being designed to keep you company." Here was my ensuing line of thinking...

Who can afford their own robot friend? The same people who will take the first moon tours. Paris Hilton. Thats when I realized that Paris Hilton and her pet robot would be the absolute one and only way for her to redeem herself in my eyes.

What if she walked around with a robot all the time? And not just to carry her stuff and small dog, but if she turned around and whispered secrets to the robot during fashion shows, etc..

Let me get this straight. I don't want this to be a TV show. I want it to be REAL LIFE.

Subtle takers of the cake

Some days every table you serve is crazy. And some days you wait on a woman who takes the old cake. But its always the subtle ones. Not the yelling ones. But the ones who really seem like they don't know how restaurants work. Food comes out. You pay for food.

This one lady finished her damn flan (after telling me all about how nobody has just "good custard" any more) and, while clearing her plate I asked "are you folks ready for your bill?" Her reply was a solemn and slow shake of the head, her eyes locked on my face. I just said "what?" like I didn't understand. She said "We don't need it."

I said "Oh ok, just wondering," and walked away. In about 2 minutes I noticed that her sad husband (who must be a big churchgoer and must ask the lord everyday why he's still married) had his wallet out. I decided to ignore it until she called me over to ask me specifically for the check.

The next thing happened when I was near their table taking an order from a different table. She said "Do you have the bill?" with a tone that said "why didn't you bring the bill?" I said "Do I have it on me? No, but I can go print it for you!" with a great degree of pep.

Pop Lock And Drop It is totally the new Drop It Like Its Hot.

city ducks

Today I saw ducklings crossing Chicago Avenue. All the cars stopped for them and it was so cute. Where were those duckies going? The hardware store? I'm worried about their little webbed feet on the hot pavement! I guess thats just what its like to be a city duck. I wanted to pull over and usher them wherever they were going, guarding them all the way, but I had to tell myself that those ducks are just part of the natural course of the universe. And those ducks are probably tougher than me anyways! They were born and raised in the CITY.

In other animal news, there is a genius cartoon in the New Yorker which features two kids walking along, and one says to the other "there's just so much pressure to like monkeys." Its true! That kid just doesn't like monkeys! Everybody else thinks they're so silly and fun, but he just doesn't like them, ok!?

That cartoon is paid for by the people who just don't like monkeys that much, for cryin' out loud!

The New Cool 108

My car's cassette (yeah cassette) player don't work, so its radio for me. One of my favorite things about Minneapolis right now is the battle between Love 105 and the New Cool 108. When Love 105 came out and started playing mostly love related songs, they cut into the Cool 108 oldies market. This caused Cool 108 to play mostly oldies that were not related to love for awhile (i think there's only two and one starts with "jeremiah was a bullfrog.") Finally Cool 108 realized what we've all known for a long time, which is that the eighties and nineties now constitute the oldies, so they can play journey, madonna,disco greats. Even patsy cline! you name it. And then they added the "new" and have only been playing good stuff. which makes Love 105 look like saps.

So I basically switch back and forth between the two of them, giving them points that disappear immediately b/c the points don't mean anything.

Except occasionally I turn to the Current, but I don't like how much they talk about music on there. Like "oh aren't we all cool people who hang out and know so much about music, and don't we all want to go to this or that concert. We just can't wait until so-and-so comes to town." You see, I like music just as much as the next person, but I hate when people act like music is their life. Its not food. Its not entertainment or friendship. Sometimes, its memories, but mostly its atmosphere or for dancing/expression. Sometimes it communicates with the soul, I know I know. I get it. But I hate hearing people talk about it. Like when musicians tell the audience in a live setting about the song they're about to sing. They just ALWAYS sound like assholes. And I'm sorry, this is very different than telling the dixie chicks to shut up and sing. I think its great if musicians have political beliefs. I just don't want to hear about how "we wrote this one on the road on the way to Decatur. We had just stopped at a gas station where, like, the closest town was Wannamaker or some shit. So the guy at the station must have had TWO teeth. but he just had this beautiful soul, ya know? This songs for that guy."

Classy Red Corset Dresses and the Year of The Wedding

My good friend received the following (long) email from her Aunt, which kept me laughing in about 6 directions. It is women like these who I have been essentially surrounded with in this, the Year of The Wedding (YOTW). (to clarify: not my wedding, just everybody else's)

Its worth reading all the way to the end where we wrote a few possible questions for her aunt. (she did leave the door open for questions!)

Dear Relatives,

We have thought about you so much all weekend as we attended the wedding of Marc and Becky Johnson's daughter, Holly, and Andrew, at First Lutheran Church in Algona, Iowa. I know that many of you were not invited, but thought you might be interested in hearing about your relative's wedding. Weddings are always so much fun!

I know you might get lots of "takes" on the wedding, and everyone you hear from will have a different perspective and things that stood out in their mind. So, here goes "my" version of the wedding.

We got to Algona, Iowa, on Friday afternoon late, delivered the wedding gifts from us, Cindy and Blake, and Kirk and family, to Marc and Becky's home, and then checked into the motel, ate supper, and then visited a short while with Grace, Norbert, Linda and Gary.

Saturday morning we had breakfast with Grace, Norbert, Linda, Gary. Linda and Grace went to West Bend to see "The Grotto." Paul and I stayed and talked a long time with Gary and looked at pictures he had taken on his recent trip to China. We had a delightful time. Lois arrived, and Cindy and Blake and Ruth and Red arrived just in time to go to the wedding.

The wedding was absolutely gorgeous. Holly was beautiful. She is such a pretty woman. Her dress was white, strapless, and the back had a small train. The dress was satin. The front was perfectly plain, but the back was kind of "laced up" like a corset would be laced, and it was out of this world! The gals had all had their hair done, naturally, and they looked absolutely gorgeous as well.

The five women attendants (two were Holly's sisters, Amy and Jill) and were all dressed in bright, cherry red, satin dresses, strapless like Holly's, only they were short, right below the knee. Their shoes were high-heeled flip flops. The flowers were red and white. The color scheme was indeed striking.

The guys were all in black tuxedos with red vests and bow ties.

Holly and Andy had a "Sand Ceremony" instead of a unity candle. Holly and Andy each poured a different colored sand into a vase. It was very unique, different, and memorable. We loved it! The pastor did a superb job on the sermon and the whole service, with input for Scriptures and music by Holly and Andy. The music was outstanding. The soloist was the church's choir director. The organist was one of the best I've ever heard. She was the wife of the pastor.

Becky Johnson (MOTHER OF THE BRIDE) had on a beautiful beige lacy pant suit. Grace had a gorgeous pink suit which looked so nice with the red of the attendants.

Unfortunately, I can't find our wedding bulletin, so can't tell you the Scriptures or the songs that were sung. Hopefully someone else can fill you in on that. But, they were marvelous!

The bridge and groom had a receiving line of just them as people left the church. We were all given little bottles of bubbles to blow at the bride and groom when they left the church. After the ceremony, the bridal party rode around town in a wagon pulled by two Belgium horses. They all had a great time. Of course, we all blew bubbles galore! It was fun! There were over 200 people at the wedding ceremony.

The whole reception area at the KC Hall a few blocks away, was decorated with candles, red flowers, netting, etc. It was absolutely elegant. There was punch, and an open bar before the dinner. Before we ate, they had all kinds of crackers, cheese, etc. They had candy cups for everyone at the tables. The tables were all round, covered with white tablecloths, and the bright red napkins were folded like fans and placed in the water goblets. Very, very elegant. At our table was Cindy, Blake, Paul, myself, Lois, Ruth and Red. We had a very good visit. Cindy and Blake left early to go back to the motel as Blake wanted to swim. Ruth and Red left early as well.

The reception was so much fun. The DJ, at the request of the bride and groom, did all kinds of fun things with the couple and with all the kids in attendance. It was truly a family affair. The bride and groom threw out candy for the kids, and of course there was the traditional throwing of the garter and the bouquet.

The DJ had Holly and Andy take off their shoes and then each of them had two shoes in their hands...one of Holly and one of Andy's shoes in each of their hands. They stood back to back and answered questions by holding up the shoe that they thought was the correct answer. It was a hoot. There were questions like, "Who is the best cook?" Some answers were the same, and some were not. It was lots of fun. There were probably 25 questions....Who has the most clothes? Who is the best kisser? Etc. Etc.

To get the garter off of Holly....this will maybe sound "not so good" but it was really cute. The people at the reception had to "vote" as to whether or not Andy took the garter off of Holly with his hands, his feet, or his teeth. Of course, it was all pumped up. The people voted he had to get the garter off with his teeth. Andy had to do a "sexy" dance to some music and then he slid on his stomach to Holly, who was sitting on the back of the best man who was on all fours. Andy got it off with his teeth, and the garter was right below her knee. All of the young people had so much fun.

Of course, there were the traditional dances of bride/groom; bride/father, etc. They did the "Hokey Pokey", the "Chicken Dance" and lots of other ones to get the people involved.

They had all "older couples" dance, and then had them sit down as the DJ called off "everyone sit down who has been married less than 10 years, 20, 25, etc., until there were only two couples on the floor, and the oldest married couple (except for Grace and Norbert) was someone married 52 years, and they had to give advice to the bride and groom for living a long and wonderful married life. The guy said, "Always say 'Yes' to what your wife wants."

There was a slide show of Holly growing up, Andy growing up, and then their life together the last few years. Also, for the bride/father dance, there was a slide show of lots of slides of just Holly and Marc.

Of course, one of the hits during the dancing was when the DJ played, "Sweet Caroline." Of course, little Caroline, (daughter of Amy (Holly's sister) and Hunter's daughter was the flower girl. She was really wound up and had so much fun. By the way, she did an excellent job as the flower girl. She threw the petals just perfect. As we were ushered out of the church, our Blake picked all the petals up that she had dropped. He thought they should be picked up so the floor wasn't a mess.

We saw and visited with lots of the Johnson clan. Paul especially enjoyed seeing and visiting with Merrill and Muriel and Dean. They left early so we didn't get to visit a real long time with them.

We got back to the motel about 10 PM, went to bed, and were up bright and early "breakfasting" with the relatives. We went to church at the church where the wedding was held. Went back to the motel, watched Blake swim, and visited with more people around the pool area. Then the family served an early lunch in the motel's hospitality room and we visited until 1:30 PM before finally heading for home. Andy and Holly came and went around and visited with everyone making them feel so welcome. The immediate family was going to Marc and Becky's home around 2:00 P.M. to unwrap wedding gifts. Andy and Holly leave for their honeymoon on Tuesday and will be gone for a week.

I'm sure I left out lots of "stuff" that you might want to know....but ask away! I'll respond the best I can! It will be interesting, I'm sure, for you to get the perspective of the others who were there.

That's it for tonight. Hope you have had a great weekend.

Sandra


Hi Sandy! How fun! The wedding sounds so romantic and classy. You said we could write with any questions about the details. I would love to know if you could clarify whether the bridesmaids' dresses also had corsetlike backs, and whether they wore fishnet tights as well? I'm just trying to get the whole picture.

Or....

I do have a question about the inappropriate garter/teeth incident. Do you think it was really appropriate with all the children there? Although I know weddings are a time of playfulness for all, they're also about Jesus and colored sands, so....

restaurants vs. offices part 1

Yesterday a lady called during the lunch hour at the restaurant. She said "Do you guys have lazy susans on your tables?" My coworker said "no, our tables aren't really big enough for lazy susans" (not to mention its latin fusion cuisine and not mediterranean potluck.) Then this caller said "Do you know where to get those?" So basically this lady was sitting at home and said to herself:

"I want to have a lazy susan at my party. Let's see...where do they serve food? Restaurants."

This leads me to believe she has no internet. And has never heard of google, a kitchen store, cooks of crocus hill, crate and barrel, bed bath and beyond, target, ikea.... the list goes on and on.

And now (drumroll) I would like to draw attention to the fact that this woman was, herself, in fact, a LAZY SUSAN.

hahahahaha.

(This post falls under the category of restaurants vs. offices because it reminds me very much of the "what region are we in" lady.)

Junebug

This is why I like our dog Juniper Bug:

Right now there is a tornado warning and she's sitting on the porch with me watching the rain. She'll look out the window, look at me worried, whine, and then look up at the ceiling. Then she looks out the window again. She just figured out roofs!

This rainstorm is the most exciting thing in the world for her. She's sniffing the air, she's watching everything, all the noises are making her jump and look. This is what it would be like to be an animal. For one thing, people would be thinner if they were more like animals. They move around all the time.

I love this dog. Granted, she ate the first 18 pages of my copy of "Gone with the Wind." I don't know, maybe she found it offensive.

The Climate Chronicles

Part One: Equator.

For anybody who still reads this who is in NYC, you should absolutely go to this. God I'm sad to miss this.

directed by Sebastián Calderón Bentin
conceived and performed by Hannah Heller, Paige Collette, Sean Donovan and Sebastián Calderón Bentin

One night performance only!

Brooklyn Arts Exchange
421 Fifth Avenue, 3rd Floor
Park Slope, Brooklyn, NY 11215
www.bax.org

Admission: $5

Hippies Burn Cross in Honor of Pagan Holiday

I didn't get to go to the May Day parade in Mpls this year because I had to work at the restaurant. But my roommates filled me in on some of the, well, bloopers.
For those of you who don't know about May Day, just picture huge "bread and puppet" style puppets, and hippies in masks adorned with colorful ribbons and scarves.

The parade culminates at the park with a performance about the earth. Now, the "tree of life" is a repeat puppet every year. They always show the ravages of humankind's wastefulness on the tree of life. This year they decided to burn the puppet to show global warming or something. But the puppet's sketetal support was made with a simple vertical wooden stick, crossed with a horizontal one. You know, like the kind Jesus was hung on. Oh and the kind the Ku Klux Klan used.

Burning. So once all the paper mache and ribbons and fabric burned off, the audience was faced with a near empty stage featuring a burning cross.

The next awkward little moment was not so heavy with irony, but still made me laugh. The man who played the turtle was supposed to walk into the lake, retrieve his shell, and crawl slowly out of the water wearing this big turtle shell. But when he walked into the lake, waves of murmurs could be heard throughout the audience: "ew, i wouldn't go in there.." and "ooooh, that lake is so dirty."

The next part is best told with a reenactment, but I'll try to use my words. As the tortoise was crawling out of the water, everybody's attention was on him. It was the climactic moment. (although I doubt more climactic than a burning cross.) Suddenly a big queen (man) who had just purchased some kind of fruity shish kabob and a little gift bag of something, came barreling across the stage. At first audience and performers thought maybe this guy was part of the performance. Then they realized he was some pissed off gay guy who just wanted to cut across the performance. So in this momentous tortoise scene, this guy walks across with a vengeance, saying something like "WELL IF THE PATH WASN'T BLOCKED, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PATH, RIGHT HERE, I'M NOT GONNA WALK AROUND THE WHOLE LAKE."

listening to...

flakradio!

Why i still read the fug

LOL

Chelsea Clinton

Malls can be amazing sometimes. Like last week when I found a photo booth that photoshops different hairstyles onto you. The results were, I think, priceless.

pedro jensen

I recently found out that this scandinavian guy who we went to high school with, has been walking around identifying as a latino man. Apparently he traveled through South America and this experience made him decide he was going as a Latino from here on out.

You have to understand that this guy was a totally average track runner all through high school. He wasn't even into theater. He now has a moustache and wears a Zorro style hat. And TALKS WITH A FAKE SPANISH ACCENT.

And the kicker? He now works for a theater company that does diversity training at companies. He plays the Latino.

That is one of the more absurd things I've ever heard of.

Shallow dreams and the disappointing midwest H&M

So I have had some pretty crazy dreams before. But never in my life have I experienced such a series of boring, shallow, and somewhat pop-culture induced dreams as the last few nights.

I had one where I was picking out healthy snacks for Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson. I was walking around a deli putting cottage cheese and immaculately selected berries into two little plastic cartons. See that is so disappointing to me. Usually MK and Ashley would only appear as grandmothers, telling me my cousin's head is in the toilet. Instead I'm just going "no this strawberry is not as big as the other," and tenderly nestling it further down into the curds.

Things got a little better last night when I had a dream that Oprah Winfrey tied a hook to my ankle and chased me around in a swimming pool with her entire audience swimming after her. She was the one to catch me (with her mouth) and she held on as I tried to swim away. I turned to my friend in the dream and said "of course Oprah would be the one to catch me. She would never orchestrate this whole thing and then let some audience member do the catching."

Although I would like to think I am not so shallow in my unconscious psyche, I have no problem admitting there are some very stupid things that I care very much about in my waking life. In this case: H&M. I went to the one at the Mall of America today and was so alienated I wanted to leave. You see someone at H&M thought that midwestern girls would not be interested in the fun styles that the NYC girls like, so they've filled the MOA store with the fashion sense of Contempo Casuals. I was actually confused. I wanted to make a big show of walking back out of the store, looking at the sign, walking back in and asking someone who works there: "Excuse me, but is this H&M?" and then using sign language and volume to express that they probably didn't understand. H&M? Because I know H&M isn't quality or anything, but it at least could provide an alternative to everything else that is offered here. Someone made a bad business choice. They could have had something here, and intead they've got nothing. They made a safe, sad choice and I am mad. I will have to buy all my clothes from Anthro and Urban and various vintage stores. But there is no longer a cheap boutique to buy cool striped t-shirts in the summer. BOOOOOO.

Sinking in

Two things happened at the exact same time today.

1. It sunk in that astronauts wear diapers.
2. I realized there was no way I will ever be an astronaut.

Some people think one day we'll take Moon Tours, or even set up civilizations on other planets, etc.. They clearly forgot about riding in a closed space for days with the overwhelming aroma of human feces.

Hexendrucken

I'm doing some "research" right now on wikipedia. I call anything on the internet research. I'm reading about sleep paralysis. The scientific explanation made a lot of sense. Basically some neuron inhibitors get involved to prevent the body from enacting the dream activity. But things got really interesting when I got to the cultural references. Almost every single "folk" (does folk just mean "olde"?) culture in the world believes sleep paralysis has something to do with evil spirits pressing on you.

Chinese: Ghost press bed; Mexico: dead climbing on top; Laotian: Ghost silencing you;

But my favorite one? German. Hexendrucken (with an umlaut over the u). And it means "witch pressing." Those germans, they just get right to the point. They're saying basically "sleep paralysis" means "be very afraid."

When science has an answer that every single culture in the world eschews in the name of a ghost explanation, what is going on there?

Next topic...
I'm getting ready to move from New York, and trying to get some very important things done. Number one on my list is afternoon tea at the Plaza. The website says "jeans are tolerated." so I won't be wearing jeans. I know what "tolerated" means to the richy riches. It means "seriously frowned upon." I'm very excited to act fancy.

Also...
There is one elderly friend of mine who I have been helping for several years. Every Saturday I go and buy her groceries and do her laundry. Basically, she is very unhappy about me "abandoning" her. But somehow, her guilt trips have become much less painful as they have become the end of her every sentence. "Did you check the date on the milk? Oh what am i gonna do without you." and then two seconds later: "I told Pete at the Diner that you're leaving (oh what am I gonna do without you, my whole life is changing, everybody leaves me) and he said to wish you good luck." Its sad, but now its just like breathing for her. It softens the blow to both of us I think.

Powerpoint Animation has opened up a whole new chapter in my life.

I love the fug girls as much as the next girl. I mean every single woman who sits at a desk all day and may or may not have a blog, just about lives for the fug. At least at certain hours of the day its like a big treat. Like at 2:30. You're not even close to the home stretch yet, and lunch was over an hour ago. Its the witching hour. I just have one addition to the critique of anne hathaway's oscar "dress."

My main issue with Anne Hathaway's dress is that everybody is actually calling it a big black bow. It may technically be a bow because it has two loops and two strands, and a knot in the middle. But the real problem is that it looks like a tuxedo vest slash S&M corset. It looks like she's getting married and singing "Cabaret" at the same. I hate it so much. All she needs is a top hat, a whip, a veil and a man acting like a pony to ride on and laugh maniacally at the wind.

Okay, I thought I was done, but I'm not. Did Anne keep saying to all her friends and family, "Is this bow too big?" "Does it even look like a bow anymore?" and they kept saying "no no Annie! You have to take fashion risks to stand out! Especially since you have no personality and your eyes are like that of an adult Precious Moments doll."

The only thing I can hope for is that young ladies all over the world will start shaving their heads in solidarity with her.

Solidarity for no cause whatsoever.

Only then will reality have truly surpassed fiction in its absurdism, irony, etc. We will truly be living in a dystopian novel.

I would like to say one more thing. When i first saw the headline, next to that picture, it was obscured by someone's arm. I thought it said "Britney Sheds." Which would have been amazing.

15

(Well, it turns out I am able to blog anyways. I thought I would get a firewall b/c my firm firewalls gmail.)

So today the mail room guy came up to me and said, "Fifteen."
I said "Fifteen?"
And he said "Fifteen for Bob Lastname" (name protected).
I said "Fifteen what?"
to which he replied "fifteen."
I looked around for some clues. I saw a box of flowers. Oh!
"Fifteen Roses? Fifteen flowers?"
"No," he said. "Fifteen pieces."
And I said "Pieces of mail?"
And he said, "yeah, fifteen for Bob"
And I said "ok, so you're telling me there are fifteen pieces of mail today for Bob Lastname?" and he said "yeah, they're on his desk."

???????????????

This reminds me of the "what region are we in" lady. For those of you haven't heard this story yet:

A consultant approached my desk with a piece of paper in her hand. She said "What region are we in?" and I said "region?" and she said "yeah." I said "I...I don't understand what you're asking me." She said "Is it New York?" I was flabbergasted. Did she mean "state" when she said "region?" Or was she referring to where her head was at? I tried to take a peek at the paper in her hand. She hid it from my eyes. Then she said "Its New York" and walked away.

Now back to the mail guy b/c I just remembered he's done this kind of thing before. One day (Friday before a holiday) at 12:00 Noon, when picking up the mail, he said "Is this it?" and I said "Is what it?" He said "Is this it for today?" and I said "for mail? Are you asking me if that is the only mail we will send today?" And he said "yeah." I said "No. We will definitely have more mail today." And he said "we close at 3:00" and I said "OH. Ok, I'll let people know."

One more thing about being an admin. Sometimes people call me and ask where "the meeting" is. Or what time "the meeting" is. This would be ok if we were on a tv sitcom about "an office" or if we were children playing "office" and there was only one "meeting" and we all knew where "the files" were, and "the report" was due before 5.

Topics for discussion

1. Will Sooz be able to blog from work still since blogger is now run through google accounts? Probably not. So thanks a lot blogger.

2. I'm going to give it a try, but if you don't hear from me until every other saturday, its b/c that is the only time i can really blog. Great. Really fucking great.

3. On to other topics of conversation, although my blogger bitterness might come through again. Ok, Orange Celebrities. I hate them.

4. Indoor waterparks. How great are they?

5. Memory foam mattresses. I want one. Say a girl wanted to get her hands on some memory foam and just make her own mattress out of it. Whats stopping this girl? Location? So, can somebody point me in the direction of the foam factory? b/c I can't believe they're selling these things for thousands of dollars. I want one! Can't we just figure out what the foam is made out of and make it ourselves?

6. Other things I've tried to make myself: A dress, a jewelry box, fettucine alfredo without any proper ingredients, headbands, jewelry, a book bound entirely in office supplies, a blog. Also my friend knitted me a thong and exercise wristbands out of yarn.

6. Counting.

7. The internet. I want it to go extinct, I'm tired of it now. The New Yorker had this article about how fame is just exposure, not talent or hard work, and I agree and I'm sad that people used to become famous for composing a SYMPHONY IN FOUR ACTS, and now they just show their CHA-CHAS. Boooooooo. OVER IT.

8. I thought the 80's radio station online was the best one, but then I found the 80's love songs one. Its even better, because thats what the 80's excelled at~ love songs. And also scientists, robots and "down under."

9. Two nights ago Pye was sleeping on my stomach and she reached out and gently placed her paw on my cheek. THAT IS VERY CUTE.

10. Seriously, can we go backwards with technology? I don't want to be a part of the world community! I want to live in a small town and work the mill with 20 awesome people and then come home and cook food and talk about the harvest, and never leave the town. I'm just really worried that if we can accomplish EVERYTHING at our desks, we will end up as like juicy pods with wires stuck in us, having virtual experiences and thinking we are alive. I'd rather be turned into a robot then a juicy fleshy pod. At least robots can attempt to climb stairs.

11. What if one morning you saw ASIMO walking out of a starbucks with a tray of four coffees, carrying a bookbag, on his way to class? And if you saw someone go "Hi ASIMO!" And then ASIMO stops in the middle of the crosswalk and goes "Hello Jason." (CRASH)

12. I've noticed that putting in 6 weeks notice at an office is like putting a pint of Ben and Jerry's in the freezer and telling yourself you can eat it in 6 weeks.

13. A great movie is "Some kind of wonderful" with Mary Stuart Masterson and Eric Stoltz. Mostly because she is a phenomenal actress. I'm going to list a few other actresses I like here. Rachel Griffiths, Samantha Morton, Rachel Weisz, Blanchett, Benning, S. Epetha. There's more, but I just think its important that we remember what they can do, as opposed to like ScarJo, Portman, and Sienna Miller. And of course I like, Winslet, Dench, etc. Those British actresses seem to have MILES on us. They just breed em different over there. All we have is Meryl.

Joke of the Year

What did the bra say to the top hat?

"You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift."

(from the Prairie Home Companion)

I didn't know they even made mini-backpacks anymore. Now I remember something to hate more than Uggs.

A Very Robot Wednesday

Good Morning. I've done this before. Making fun of ASIMO. But I recently found this video of him falling.

See, he has to look right at the audience. He should have looked where he was going. Which engineer designed the part where he cranes his head toward the audience as if to say "watch this expert stair climbing." When they put the screen up in front of him is when the little man inside crawls out of him. This video makes me less afraid of robots. If they're ever chasing me, i'll just climb some stairs, duh.

And there's this one of Sony's QRIO doing a traditional fan dance. And make sure you watch it all the way through so you can see them break it down hip-hop style. See robots are just like us. They respect our cultures and traditions.

And finally, this excerpt from the constant discovery and conversation about robots going on between me and my friend, whom we'll call "Mae24."

10:14:53 Mae24> whoa - look at all the people in those bleachers!
10:14:58 Mae24> these robots are riveting
10:15:02 Mae24> they are amazing
10:15:09 Mae24> they're the new shirley temple
10:15:12 Sooz> ?
10:15:16 Mae24> it's like people's attitudes towards them are shifting
10:15:22 Mae24> people used to not be so into babies
10:15:38 Mae24> they weren't cute - they were a hassle and they were used as workers
10:15:38 Sooz> lol
10:15:46 Sooz> omg
10:15:49 Mae24> but shirley temple kind of changed all that

You should also check out all the videos of ASIMO running. It looks like he's trying to make it to the bathroom on time. Or like he stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

forget it

THE BEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.

Ok, maybe i'm a little late on this, but WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS?

If anybody knows how I can totally copy those ladies and do exactly what they're doing without doing exactly what they're doing, call me.

I'm serious, btw. You know when you express too much vigor and people think you're being sarcastic? Thats not what I'm doing. God bless these women.

When I eat a "salad" for lunch, it really means I'm eating Fritos, because I always get the Fritos "just in case" because I know the salad won't be enough. Then I end up hating the taste and consistency of the salad and just eating the Fritos.

heading for the state of zombie

This gas leak stuff in nyc is really weird. How can they report that they're getting 911 calls about nausea and then say that its not harmful?

Our firm has been sending firmwide emails telling us that its not harmful but just to be safe they encourage us to drink plenty of water. Anything that requires drinking plenty of water sounds harmful to me. Also many buildings are closing off their air vents. I understand that they're trying to prevent an NYC stampede, because truly, that would be insane, but they should be careful about what kind of advice they drop.

That's like robbing a convenience store by holding a gun out and telling the clerk there's no bullets in it, but "no I will not pull the trigger just to prove it."

Its like boiling up some hassenpfeffer and telling your vegetarian guest that the rabbit skeleton in the wastecan has nothing to do with the menu.

In any case, its times like these that I realize how easy it is to imagine a zombie scenario. If all of NYC turned into zombies b/c of some mysterious "smell" and the national guard got brought in. There's just so much we don't know about science. Is there a team of scientists that have been hired to prove zombification is not possible at all?

thumbs in

I recently learned that if you're going to punch someone, for real, its important not to tuck your thumbs in to your fists. You can break your thumbs that way.

This isn't one of those posts where I'm being hinty about having gotten in a fistfight. Why? Because I don't have fists, I have....

pacifists.


AHAHAHAHAHA!

:-{)

Here are two blogs I would start if I wasn't so lazy and could spend all my time surfing the internets:

1. Mens in Moustaches. I don't know why, I just like men in moustaches. Usually. And, no, its not because of Borat. God, shut UP about Borat already. Borat is more over than Uggs. Which reminds me. I still have to design that t-shirt inspired by "start seeing motorcycles" that says "stop seeing Uggs."

2. The amazing outfits of Susie Greene. She's Jeff's wife on the Larry Davids and I love her outfits. Not to wear for myself, but to marvel at. Here is just one example: