jury duty

Yesterday I had jury duty. You can't really leave because if they call your name and you miss it, they embarrass you in front of everybody by treating you like an idiot.

First I watched a video starring people dressed like this. Because in the olden days, trials were decided by whether someone drowned or not. Those fools

So I had to get some coffee and they announced that the coffee machine was in the lounge. There was a line of 14 people when I got there. Most of the people were over sixty and had some real trouble with the machine. Everybody was gathering around and helping eachother:
"No, thats two sugars, thats the "milk" button." By the time I had helped four old ladies buy coffee, I knew how the machine worked and I knew what I was getting. No problem.

Mocha.
I knew how it was supposed to work.
Cup drops down, coffee fills, wait for the light, open the door.

Nope. I guess the machine was out of cups. Because all i saw was mocha stream. Mocha pissing into nothing. One dollar of mocha nothing.

And then, the mocha started to stream out of the machine, flooding the floor all around my feet. An innocent lady behind me, like a disney character, said "isn't a cup supposed to drop down?"

"Yes," I said. "Yes it is."

The machine was bleeding. The mocha approached my feet. A law clerk walked over and I said, "excuse me sir, this machine seems to be broken." He said "I'm not facilities." I said, "can you call facilities?" And he said (very annoyed) "I can when I reach a phone." Thank you sir. Thank you.

And when I went over in an hour, there was a sign that said "Out of Order." I'll say.

Abrasive tunes

While getting coffee this morning I was bombarded by THE WORST music I have ever heard. It sounded like somebody was trying to sing a bad song. Like when one of your friends is doing an impression of somebody who is always off key and they also don't particularly like the person, so they actually end up acting a bit like Rosie O'Donnell in "Riding the Bus With My Sister."
You know the part of the Jackson 5 Christmas song "Santa Claus is coming to town" where it sounds like a broken record because they just keep going "saaaaaaanta claus is comin to ta-oon" over and over again? You may associate it with the time you were shopping in K-Mart for Freesia scented shower gel because its your Michigan cousins' favorite scent. Every time you hear it you probably wonder if there is a problem with the CD. But thats just how the song goes. Regardless, it sounds WAY better in Michael's tiny little voice, and at that unusual quick pace. It still feels like getting beaten by a blunt object, but at least the beating is quick and accurate. In the case of this morning's remake, the voice was that of some male rocker. Don't know who. He is drawing out that Saaaaaanta part and (I DON'T KNOW!) Trying to riff? Like not just holding out one note (which was bad), but exploring the musical scale within that flat little a sound. And then scraping his voice, like he thought he was Tom Waits. He wasn't. This, as opposed to the quick blunt-object-beating of the Jacksons' version, felt like somebody was taking that same bat (I picture a splintered, bloody, wooden club) and grinding first my finger, than scraping my face, then deciding to wallop my booty, twisting into my nose until it breaks, and then giving the bloody wound a few splinters for good measure.
It reminded me of the new McDonalds commercial where they sing "I'm Ronald McDonald and I'm lov-ing-it!" And its all one note and they definitely focus on pronouncing "lovING" which is a curious departure from their previous "lovin' it." I can just picture the ad meeting.

Bill: But what about Ronald? I don't know why we ever let go of that.
(Miranda looks at Tim with eyes rolled. Bill never lets "Ronald" go)
Tim: Well, how do you propose we bring him back?
Miranda: I really don't want to lose the "I'm lovin' it." Its so "now."
Bill: We don't have to lose that! We just combine the two. My friend Jojo is a composer, I'll have him come in and work something up.
(Jojo enters in a flowery hat and a carry-keyboard and hits one key, over and over and over again, dancing like Rosie O'Donnell in Riding the Bus With my Sister.)

Bravo

This article says it all

Ever had a day where you felt a little bit like this?

I should be asleep

Every morning I set my alarm for 45 minutes before I absolutely have to wake up, because it takes me at least 6 presses of the snooze button to realize it is morning time. (I usually don't even know what is going on: Who am I, where am I, who are these munchkins, etc.) But this morning was different. I was totally aware that I had two options. They were: Get up and go to work, or stay in bed and find the answers to this dream. I weighed it in my head, like that time my Asian Theater Studies teacher asked me if there was something in the paper I would like to share with the class, since I had the Times spread out on my desk. I had to really think about it, because I knew that if everybody in that class read the article I was reading, they would learn more than what they might learn in her whole semester. I considered the Christian Slater route of rebellion but took the polite route, and folded my paper, apologizing.
This morning I thought to myself, “The information you are going to gather in this dream is way more important than getting to work on time.” And now I can't remember the dream. I think there was some answer I was after, and the characters had the answers, and if I could stay in their world a little longer, I would understand. I think it had something to do with a curiosity I’ve had in waking life, where I suddenly wonder why I experience the world through THIS life and THIS body and THIS point of view. And then I get a little sad and also a little alienated, because no matter what I do, I will only experience the world through THESE eyes. And then I inevitably go “who AM I, anyways?” I think THIS was the answer I was about to get in the dream. I woke up and turned off the alarm and got in the shower.
Then things really started to go wrong. All my nylons had runs in them. There were no empty seats on the train, which means starting the day standing in heels for forty minutes, rocking back and forth, and feeling the V8 juice and Nyquil sloshing around in my stomach. Then the train was delayed in Brooklyn for 15 minutes. I stood in my heels in front of three giant, overweight men who took up the whole 10-seat bench. When I got to work 15 minutes late, I headed downstairs for a coffee and bagel, only to return upstairs and find a glob of cream cheese right in the hole of the bagel that was supposed to have only butter on it. And now all of our computers are down. “Mayday, Mayday!” I shouted into the phone at my friend, laughing at this point. He informed me that everybody in his building thinks the computer trouble means they’re getting fired. And that the older woman in their office, who they call “Grandma” is stuffing her face with BBQ potato chips at 10 a.m.. Meanwhile, my neighbor, who talks LOUDLY all the time, took the opportunity to call his wife and WHISPER “I love you” and “shhh” to her. Of all the things to whisper! I was just shocked that he was whispering at all. This is the guy that SHOUTS “GOD BLESS YOU!” to a sneezer who sits 20 cubicles away.
So I’m convinced that I should have been asleep this whole time, finding the answers to life’s biggest questions. Who knows, if I were asleep, I might just be immortal by now. Like Duncan McLeod the Highlander. And then he could also be my boyfriend. FOREVER.

HAHAHAHAHA

Episode 2

When I posted about this article the first time, I spent a lot of time cutting and pasting...

I like parallel structure.