metaphors for the heat

Honestly I'm quite sad about the Middle East, the angry lady who attacked me on the train, and also the Middle East, so I'm going to try to cheer myself up with snappy metaphors for how hot it is.

1. Its like waking up underneath 60 pounds of velour.

2. Its like there's a radio playing "You're Beautiful" by that James Blunt guy over and over again but the radio is superglued to your back and you try to run backwards into brick walls to just break it, but its a radio of steel.

3. Its like armpit stains on prom night.

4. Its like the breath of a poopeater.

5. Its like trying to explain the internet to an impatient older person: "its like imaginary space. When you go to the website, you don't actually go there."

6. Its like wearing high heels that smell and hurt and you've been walking for a long time and there's no seats on the train and someone is leaning his whole sweaty body on the pole so you have to hold onto the one above the seats which you're too short for, and everybody can see sweat stains. Then your back spasms.

7. Its like being at a party and suddenly models arrive.

8. Its like the fourteenth person who says "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN 'HEATHERS'? YOU? But you would really like it! I can't believe you haven't seen it!" and everytime you go to blockbuster its not there.

9. Its like you forgot to feed your cat and when you get home she's really sad, but she doesn't hold it against you. She just rubs your leg because she's happy to see you, thereby increasing the guilt.

10. Its like eating too many fritos so your insides feel pickled.